9-year-old Alec Greven has written a new dating guide titled “How To Talk To Girls.” Take it from me, though, it is much easier to charm the ladies when you are an adorable 9-year-old. (I’m just bitter because a fourth-grader has more game than me!)

In a rugrats-to-riches story sure to cool the heart of every writer on this blog, Greven’s guide started as a $3 pamphlet, which was a hit at his school’s book fair, and ended up at HarperCollins, which released it to an innocence-starved nation last week.

But how’s the advice? Pretty solid. The New York Post relates:

“Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil.”

He advises, “The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don’t let them get to you.”

True. And this Breakup Girl-esque pearl:

the best way to approach a girl is to keep it to a simple “hi.”

A 9-year-old writing about relationships just underscores what Lynn has always told me: Most dating advice is common sense; It’s just that the advice-seekers can’t access that part of their brain in their hormone-addled / douchebag-laden / games-weary / heart-flattened / rejection-paralyzed state and need to hear it from someone else. Here’s something Greven wrote that I think Lynn told me once, word-for-word: “comb your hair and don’t wear sweats.”

So where does this precocious kid go from here? He’s now writing a children’s book about Watergate! Hmmm. Take it from me, Alec, that won’t impress the ladies.

For more, check out BuzzFeed.