Obsessing on November 23, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m a very lucky 35 year old guy. Married six months to a wonderful woman (she’s 33). M and I are compatible in all ways, and enjoy each other’s company immensely. We’re from the same small town, went through school together, pleasant friendship, both left town to go to different universities, different lives, different cities, no contact.

M called me out of the blue four years ago. She’s in promotions, I’m in TV, she had a pitch. Pitch failed, met for dinner. I was happily married (I thought) with two kids. Pleasant dinner, promised to keep in touch. Neither did. Two years ago, another call, another pitch. Pitch failed, met for dinner. I was six months single, with two kids living with me Monday to Friday, and weekends with their Mom. M and I agreed to keep in touch. This time, both did. Rapidly progressed to constant companions. Joined at the mind, hip, and soul. Dated eight months, she moved in, assumed and accepted stepmother role, got married six months after that. Very happy.

So what’s the problem? Her past lovers. When we went through that (normal?) stage of discussing/revealing our sexual pasts, she lied about a couple of partners. We discussed it again. And she lied again. We talked about it again, and she lied again. And then again. It complicates matters further that four of her old flames (two serious, two flings) are still in her circle of friends. (A terrific row, by the way, over inviting Mr. Significantly Serious to our wedding. I gave in.) Anyway, this whole issue bothers me to the point of obsessing. (I should say that we have each had 20 + partners, which strikes me as a lot. Is it?)

We have talked and talked and talked about this issue, sometimes heatedly, but always with the intention of understanding each other, and trying to deal with it. Yes, I know that the past cannot be changed. And that I have no right whatsoever to question or criticize decisions she made years and years ago, and I also understand that I have made her feel persecuted at times, and resentful of an attitude that has been, yes, at times, judgmental. It would be easy to explain my feelings as 1) inadequacies (Were they bigger than me? More stamina? More satisfying?) or 2) chauvinistic (good girls don’t -­ except with me). I suppose there is some truth to both.

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Writing at Salon.com, BG’s alterego talks to many brave women to find out. Of course, they shouldn’t have to be so “brave” in order to speak up, but what they speak about — the persistent stigma of STIs, especially for women, despite their breathtaking near-ubiquity — is exactly what otherwise keeps them quiet. (When one woman named Michele worked up the gumption to disclose to a potential partner, he said: “You seem like a very classy girl — I would never have imagined you having that.” Translation: “You slut.” And he was one of the polite ones.)

But! As it turns out, the vast majority of people interviewed in the story — even the expert doctor — wound up finding (a) community among others online, and/or (b) a happy relationship (with someone “sero-negative,” even). In other words, there is life — sex life, love life, LIFE life — after/with an STI. The morals:

1. Get yourself tested. And educated.

2. Use condoms.

3. Manners, people! You don’t know anything about how or why anyone got anything. Don’t judge. Don’t even snicker. You might even have something yourself and not know it. (See #1.)

It’s the National Sex Ed Week of Action! Now with PRIZES! (For the first reader who emails me with answers to the quiz below!) But first, a quick true or false:

• The United States has the highest teen pregnancy rate among the world’s developed nations.

• According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, at least one in four teen girls has a sexually transmitted infection.

• Half of sexually active young people in the U.S. will contract a sexually transmitted infection by age 25.

• Approximately 750,000 teenagers in the United States will become pregnant this year.

• The health care reform bill  included a renewal of $50 million per year funding of abstinence-only education for states until 2014.

• This Op-Ed by an Atlanta teen about the importance of comprehensive, accurate sex ed is awesome.

Answer key: TRUE, TRUE, TRUE, TRUE, TRUE, TRUE.

Which, now that we’re all riled up, brings us to the one with PRIZES! Planned Parenthood of NYC, BG’s local affiliate, is giving away a package of safe-sex goodies to the BG reader who emails me with the correct answers to all five of the following (at least peripherally) sex-ed related questions. Pencils ready?

1. In how many states is it still illegal for an unmarried heterosexual couple to live together?

2. What was the name of the first daytime television show to feature a same sex wedding?

3. What famous female advocate founded the first birth control clinic and later founded Planned Parenthood?

4. Japanese love pillows, which usually decorated with life-size animae characters are called what?

5. What species was the famous gay couple who raised an offspring named Tango together?

(And now, New Yorkers, join the campaign!)

MTV + Foursquare + STD testing = a cool move in an effort to destigmatize taking care of your sexual health. Getting yourself tested should be as routine, and frankly, as Tweetable, as getting yourself a latte. I like!

According to the CDC, the teen birth rate has dropped. Whether this is unequivocally good news is unclear, given, for example, the convincing evidence that a preponderance of teens are saving themselves for a vampire. Here’s what Cecile Richards, President of Planned Parenthood Federation of America, had to say:

“The drop in the teen birthrate after a two-year increase is welcome news, but the fact remains that nearly 750,000 teens become pregnant every year, a number that is still unacceptably high. When it comes to preventing unintended pregnancies and keeping our teens healthy and safe, hiding our heads in the sand is not a sound strategy. Our young people need education and support that comes from comprehensive, medically accurate, age-appropriate sex ed.

“That’s why we must continue to invest in commonsense policies that achieve our shared goal of truly preventing unintended pregnancies and lowering the teen pregnancy and birthrate. Full funding for comprehensive, age-appropriate sex education programs will put our nation on a sustained path of decreased teen birthrates.

“President Obama and members of Congress have taken a major step forward in allocating more than $185 million in evidence-based, medically accurate teen pregnancy prevention programs. [Yeah, but…?!] Studies show that these types of comprehensive sex education programs are effective in reducing teen pregnancy.

“As we mark STD Awareness Month and the launch of our Get Yourself Tested, or GYT, campaign with MTV, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the Kaiser Family Foundation (www.gytnow.org), it is imperative that we take the issue of teen health seriously. An investment in comprehensive sex education is an investment in reducing STDs and unintended and teen pregnancies. It’s that simple.”

NPR’s recent on-air essay about sex without condoms has drawn quite a bit of debate. Speaking on the “What’s the New What” series, Oakland teen Pendarvis Harshaw reported that for his peers these days, forgoing condoms “signifies taking monogamy to a new level” — one where “partners are required to trust each other completely.”

Harshaw called this Commitment 2.0 “the new engagement ring.” Several commenters on the story agreed that in an age where people choose to get married later in life, or not at all, this step is an unspoken strengthening of an already serious and monogamous relationship. Harshaw — since you’re wondering, slash, getting nervous — urges that both partners get tested for STIs and use other methods of birth control.

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