Classic advice from April 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been pondering this for a while. I’ve been dating someone for a long time who is my best friend, my favorite person, a good and attentive lover, and a wonderful soulmate for me. I really really love him and he has added so much to my life. I think we are going to get engaged soon.

My concern is that our sex life, although good, has never been particularly easy or anxiety-free. We both have a lot of “issues” and mine have definitely seemed more exaggerated since being with him. Sometimes it’s fine, sometimes it’s not so fine — but we always get through it (the hard times) and talk and take breaks when we need to. It has just never been particularly relaxed. Otherwise, he’s the one for me. I worry, though, that this issue is too important to ignore before marrying him. I went to therapy about this for a while, but didn’t think it was helping me more than just talking to him about it. Any thoughts?

— Sash

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As seen on TV, March 23, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half (together for a total of seven years). Other than a few flings/torrid one night affairs, I was never serious with anyone else. Alright, I’ll cut to the chase. Things are not as I thought they would be. It is not like I grew up with parents that had a fairy tale marriage, the Cleavers we were not. I can’t help but be concerned for my own marriage, things just don’t “seem” right. In my opinion people recently married and in their 20’s should be “hitting the sheets.” I know there isn’t another woman… Yeah yeah I know what they say but I KNOW. Needless to say the bed is far from hot and my thoughts are beginning to wander. My concern is what to do — pretty soon my thoughts won’t be all that are wandering… Any pearls of wisdom?

— Restless Lola

Dear Lola,

As far as hot sex is concerned, I don’t see how any couple can keep up with those crazy Cleavers. That was TV, not reality. Let go of the impossible standards.

Okay, now that I’ve gotten the wisecrack out of my system, let me suggest something the Cleavers didn’t have: counseling. Don’t worry about “should be”s; worry about — and trust — how you feel. If something’s wrong, do try to fix it. But if something’s missing in your bed, don’t look for it in someone else’s. That’s something Eddie Haskell would do, not you.

Love,
Breakup Girl

“Mom! You’re totally embarrassing me! Next time you cheat on dad, get somebody cute, OK?”

According to a totally unscientific, self-selecting survey conducted by the prestigious research super-team Cookie Magazine and AOL Body, out of 30,000 respondents who self-identified as married women with children, 34% claim to be getting action between soccer practice and piano lessons, if you know what I’m saying. But this being the Internet, it’s also pretty likely that 33% of those 30,000 respondents are guys who really just like the idea of mom waiting for the UPS guy in lingerie while dad is…well, thinking about dad just ruins it.

While cheating is against the BG creed, thank God someone is at least paying attention to the sex lives of mothers, whether in actual practice or pure speculation. Though of course, actual practice would be much, much better. I mean a card on Mothers’ Day is nice, but after raising you, doesn’t she deserve a nice big, hard….hug?

No, you aren’t the only ones! Lots of couples try to spice up or revive their relationships, specifically the s.e.x. part, by sharing some porn. If you get lucky and find a tip-top specimen, it can be a very inspiring experience. Unfortunately, the market is glutted by low production quality and generally sub-standard fare. But if you’re looking for something unique, something artistic, perhaps even avant garde — or if your partner happens to be an environmentalist, an entomologist, or either Bjork or Matthew Barney — then the Sundance Channel has just the thing for you.

It’s called Green Porno and it stars no less than certified fox Isabella Rossellini. Tagline: “LIVE NUDE BUGS!”
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