The Predicament of the Week from April 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

You won’t believe this, but I was your Predicament of the Week about 2 weeks ago. Hopefully, I won’t be again, but I guess I’m well on my way. You may recall that I was the one with the long-distance boyfriend who took off on a holiday to Spain at the last minute, cancelling out on me OVER EMAIL (way tacky), and then apologizing for the “prevarication”. Anyway, even though I tried (I really did) to cut him loose like the necrotic tumerous tissue that he is, I just couldn’t help myself, and lo and behold, fell right back into that nasty spider’s web he calls his bed. I’ve just returned from yet another rendezvous at yet another European capital (and believe me I’m tired of all this jet-lag), where we spent an idyllic three days “catching up.”

Here’s the problem. I’m still married, although my husband and I have agreed to separate, especially since he found out about the entire affair and is really upset and broken-hearted since “HE” was his friend for over 10 years. Sh*t happens I know, and I feel really, really bad about it. I feel even worse that it was over The Prevaricator, since I know it was totally wrong and God’s going to punish me for doing such an awful thing to my husband. What’s done can’t be undone at this stage, and that’s another letter anyway.

Here’s my dilemma. Mr. Prevaricator insists that I’m his “best friend,” which I don’t doubt, since that’s how this whole thing started anyway. The problem is that he thinks that he and I can maintain a “casual” sexual relationship. He also says that he doesn’t want me to see other men, but that I shouldn’t think of him as a long term relationship, even though he doesn’t want to lose me as his best friend whenever it’s over (I guess he means the sex bit). He doesn’t know when that might be, but just knows it will have to end eventually. I think he’s finally lost it, since it doesn’t make any sense to be someone’s best friend and have a casual sexual affair with them. BG, isn’t that an oxymoron? I mean you can’t unknow somebody, then re-know them a few minutes later as your best friend.

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn helps Edgy in Erie, a gal living with, and raising her kids with, a guy who has not fully extricated himself from his unhappy marriage. Namely:

1. He hasn’t followed through with the divorce.
2. He has cheated on me with her.
3. He talks to her often and seems overly concerned with the goings-on of her life (beyond kid-related things).

After three years, does this guy need understanding, or a kick in the pants? Read the full letter — and Lynn’s response — at Happen, then comment below!

Spinning her wheels on March 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been dating a guy for five months and the first three weeks were great…until he bought a racecar. My concern is that he’s still legally married but separated physically from his wife. He’s said that he was going to court the end of January for a divorce and to this day hasn’t. Are things too comfy for him? Why hasn’t he divorced yet? By the way, his wife is pregnant by the man she’s living with. What’s keeping my boyfriend from getting divorced? He had that intention before we got together.

–Torn and Confused

Dear Torn,

You know how when you’re confused and upset, you go and buy an excellent pair of shoes, or a pony, and you feel a little better? Well, that’s kind of the deal with this racecar … except this guy seems to think that having the race car actually means that all his midlife problems are sorted out. And I’m also worried that for the last five months (minus three weeks) you seem to have fallen for it, too. Leave him spinning his wheels in his new toy; ride off into the sunset with your new Manolos. Alone.

Love,
Breakup Girl

The Predicament of the Week from March 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been having this long-distance love affair for the past three years with a man who was a close family friend, until we got involved. To make a long story short, I’m now separated from my husband, and my lover and I have been trying to work on moving our relationship forward. Here’s the problem. He was supposed to come visit me (we haven’t seen each other in four months, as he lives overseas), and he’d even set the dates that he’d be over. Supposedly, he wasn’t able to come out sooner due to “business.” So there I am waiting for his phone call giving me flight details, when I get this email from the son-of-a-bit…. that he’s gone on vacation for the week to Spain (?!) and that I would “really be helping him out” if I came over instead in two weeks time for the weekend. Oh, the clincher was his closing line — get this BG: “Sorry about the prevarication.” Like, now we need to use fancy words for Big Fat Liar?!

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Floating in a vacuum on March 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am currently separated from my wife of six-plus years — have two children (teens) from a prior marriage … one with me, one with her. She has the house — I have an apartment in a remote area. She has a high-power job with the county — I am unemployed. We have been separated for a month. Nothing has been said about the future. I need to know if she wants to be with me in the future???? Should I cut my losses now … and move on — ??? Am almost 50 and don’t really want to go through the dating game again. There are many unresolved issues … but I feel that if the relationship is #1 then everything else will follow suit….???

— Kevin

Dear Kevin,

Okay. I mean this gently: you are definitely lost in space. About whether your wife wants to be with you in the future: well, I don’t intend to be flip, but don’t ask Breakup Girl, ask her. If she does, make a plan. How will you resolve these unresolved issues? What has to happen before she’s ready to have you back in the house? If not, make a plan: how will you handle making this separation official? If she’s not sure…make a plan: when — and how — will she know?

Here’s the danger, Will Robinson. If the relationship “is #1,” then yes, as you say, other things may follow suit. But this is not magic. Thinking “Okay, if I can fix my relationship, then everything else — my job, my future — will be fixed, too!” is about as effective a plan as casting Matt LeBlanc in a scifi thriller. “Other things” “happen” to follow suit as a result of actually vaulting out of limbo, refusing to settle, and taking charge of what’s going on in all areas of your life — not just crossing your fingers, hoping, and idealizing. You may be in space, but you’re not weightless.

Love,
Breakup Girl