Fudging the results on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Had a girlfriend of two years end it by saying she needed more of a “roller coaster” type of relationship. A woman dumped me for telling her she looked nice in blue. Another for bringing her bottled water while she worked outside on a hot day. Another woman who telephoned me all the time dumped me after I called her for the first time. Another gal looked me up after three years, flew 500 miles to visit me days later and told me I was the only man for her. After tearful kisses at the airport and a vow to return soon, she refused to talk to me ever again. Another lady constantly told me how much she disliked me and how unsuited we were as a couple, but resisted all my suggestions of ending the relationship. I finally had to insist. Tip of the iceberg stuff here.

For whatever reasons, many women are apparently self-hating nuts. If one man disrespects another man, animosity results. But if a man treats a woman poorly, she makes excuses for his behavior. Women seem to flee affection, honesty, stability and attempts at mutual respect.

No, I am not one of those too-nice guys, but neither am I willing to be a cold, selfish, drama-inducing jerk in order to have a relationship. Given my experiences over the past ten years and those of every man I know, I conclude this: Many women want to want someone, but they do not want (and will not tolerate) someone wanting them.

Please tell me I am wrong.

— Mike X.

Dear Mister X.,

Are you sure you want me to tell you you’re wrong?

Let me back up and explain what I mean.

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Getting ugly on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am 22 years old and never had a relationship. Every guy I met has used me for money and sex. I have always been so nice and caring, the most sweetest person to men, even helping them out financially when they need it. (I don’t want to get into the amount of money I gave men, because you probably will be shocked.) From the age of 17, I started sleeping with men just for the hopes of a relationship, so they’d like me, etc., plus they told me all the things I wanted to hear. Me being very shy and unattractive, I would become very happy from hearing a compliment. I also learned that if I said no to sex, the guy would leave and I’d never see him again. However, last year one guy did not accept “no” and I was raped. The whole court ordeal lasted one year and I was not able to date anyone. Yes, I did go to rape therapy for that year. It helped, because I still didn’t give up on men after that. I basically just dealt with it and accepted it. When I was finally able to start seeing men again, my friend hooked me up with this guy. It took me a while to trust him, but finally I did and I slept with him (which was a pretty big step for me at this point). Of course, he didn’t want to be my boyfriend, but to me that was “normal.” I just blamed it on my looks. I found out he was married. This devastated me because again, I trusted someone and shame on me. I think I have heard all the lines by now. I saw another guy for two weeks right after the married one, but he didn’t want to be my boyfriend either, even though I spent every day with him. I took care of him when he was sick in bed for several days. I gave him rides all the time in my car. He told me he loved me, even though sometimes he put me down about my weight and how I looked. But I never slept with him, so he ended up leaving me. He got in a relationship with some one else within a matter of days. I could go on and on about the many other guys I’ve tried to be with, but I’ll spare you the misery. They all have practically the same scenario, same ending. I really feel that all I am good enough for is sex and my money. It hurts to think that all I did for each guy didn’t mean nothing to them. Sometimes it hurts to look in the mirror. Please help me.

–Melanie

BG’s advice after the jump!

Intellectualizing on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I never even get that far. I want to be in a committed relationship so much and I never, ever manage to even have a boyfriend or dates past one or two.

What on earth is wrong with me? I’m a little overweight but I am sexy (even I can tell that) and objectively, I am probably more attractive than any woman who happens to be with someone I desire. Furthermore, I actually am very smart and very, very well-educated (abroad). My friend (a journalist) says I am an intellectual posing as a babe. That pretty much sums it up, really. ( I say all this because most people totally overestimate their looks and intelligence.)

Everyone I am attracted to wants or is involved with someone else. Always. The holidays used to be a dull ache but now they feel like stabs in my face, sharp and so painful.

I am very scared of ending up alone. Christmas is already starting to make me cry and we’re just in August. I just don’t know why I am being punished like this.

And by the way, I used to blame this feeling on where I come from which is a rural area. Since then, I have lived on two additional continents and three countries, in each case looking for love (if I have to admit that). Obviously the problem is with me and I am scared of always being alone or having to settle (which I think I would never do).

I am 30 years old by the way.

— Scared and Loveless

BG’s advice after the jump!

Down and out on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m attractive but overweight, therefore, no one even gives me a second look. Every time I meet someone in a bar, he’s “bar quality.” I don’t like church socials and I don’t have friends (they left with my last relationship). How do I start over?

— Where Can I Find Someone?

Dear Where,

With an attitude makeover. In the meantime, I’ll try to get a cliche makeover. But it’s true. Look, BG will always readily acknowledge that often, in our boniness-is-next-to-goddessliness culture, the larger one is, the harder it is — paradoxically — for one to be/feel “seen.” BUT. Sounds to me like people do give you a second look. You do meet guys in bars; you just don’t like them. You had at least one relationship, which is actually more than a lot of “thin” people who write to me can say. I’m not saying you’re being ungrateful or not “looking on the bright side;” I’m just saying you might be projecting more than necessary of the dating angst we all have onto your own weight. And then what you’ve got is a big fat self-fulfilling prophecy.

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Still searching on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

About six months ago, my girlfriend of two and a half years broke up with me. I tried to get back together, but for one reason or another, I had screwed it up. This isn’t some masochistic thing, I really did screw it up. So I gave it up. But it got me down for a while — two and a half years is a long time.

So for the past few months, I’ve been getting over it — it’s not a problem. So I’ve been becoming interested in a few different people — people whom I like as friends. So I become friends with them, get to know them, like them, and then when I’m about to pounce, as it were, and ask the question, I find out that they’re either dating someone else or unavailable in another way (although distance is the main thing, either me moving or them).

My question is, what the heck is going on here? It seems like everyone I’m interested in I can’t have. Is this some kind of messed-up thing I’m seeking — like I sense that they’re unavailable and I like that for some sick reason? I find this hard to believe — most of the time I don’t know that they’re taken. It’s really getting old. I know that these people aren’t lying to me. Just today, I went up and was talking to someone for about an hour, ready to ask her our, when she suddenly mentions that she’s moving to France for a year. What the crap?

— Corwin

BG’s answer after the jump

Repeating history on March 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been played in each and every one of my past five relationships. Now I have hooked up with this girl who seems nice, but I think that it is too good to be true. I want everything to go well but with my luck with relationships it will bomb. How can I be sure that she won’t play me like all the rest? Please get back to me.

— Been Played

Dear Played,

You can’t be sure she won’t play you “like all the rest.” In fact, she definitely will. Because that’s the way you look at relationships.

Listen up. In a strictly statistical sense (and in a world where people get married only once), all relationships but one come to an end. So what you are experiencing, Played, is life. What you are doing to make sense of it all — which is what humans do — is calling it “my luck with relationships.”

Look, people want more than anything in the whole world to be right, right? (Why do you think I write an advice column?) Anyway, you’ve issued the statement “I Am A Person Who Gets Played In Relationships.” And so, in each relationship you get into — whatever its demise — you say to yourself, “There you go. I got played.” Why? Because you (like any normal human) have to be right about the fact that you get played in relationships. Otherwise, you wouldn’t know what to do or , frankly, who you are. And otherwise, you’d have to take a little responsibility instead of blaming “all the rest.” See what I mean ?

So how about issuing this statement: “I Am A Person Who Does His Best to Make Relationships Work.” Now get in there and have a girlfriend instead of sitting around being a bullseye for the bomb.

Love,
Breakup Girl