Sex with an Ex on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Let’s-call-him-Jack and I have been broken up for nearly six months after dating for nearly 3 years. We tried the friend thing for a while and it worked out quite nicely except I foolishly took every nicety as a sign that he wanted me back. But now I know that just isn’t going to happen and I’m fine with it, although I still think about him every day, multiple times a day. However, I sort of have the hots for someone else AND am enjoying being single. My question is, Jack and I started sleeping together again in late June (we broke up in March) and have done it 5 times since then. We are always drunk when this happens but the sex is INCREDIBLE. The first few times he would not kiss me and we would not cuddle afterwards, just roll over and go to sleep. However, I mentioned the no-kissing policy made me feel like a prostitute so the last two times he has kissed me and held me BEFORE and AFTER we did it. The problem is, I know it is stupid to have sex with an ex, but what if it is REALLY good and you aren’t nursing false hopes of reconciliation? Also, what’s up with the kissing thing? Please help!!!

— Confused yet Satisfied

Dear Confused yet Satisfied,

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: of course the sex rocks your world. There’s no aphrodisiac like a breakup. As in, “You look great without … commitment.”

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The Predicament of the Week from October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Could you please give me advice on permanently removing a leech from my bruised skin?

I’m a 33 year-old, good looking, stable, professional, financially-secure, in-shape, blah, blah, blah, GWM. But I’m totally inexperienced in relationships. Last December I got together for coffee with a guy from the personals without a detailed telephone screening in advance (never do that — if he doesn’t have time to talk on the phone and says “let’s just meet,” run away!). He turned out to be really cute and masculine-looking, but with no job and living with a friend. So I knew that a relationship was out, but it was Friday night and I had no plans so I took him home. The sex was great. He was fun to be with. A week later he had a job so I decided to date him figuring he’d quickly find a place to live and all would be OK.

But then, I introduced him to an experienced friend who the next day told me “This guy’s stupid, shallow, a user and a manipulator. You are fated to get totally involved with him and destroy your life. Mark my words and don’t come looking for help later.”

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Dear Breakup Girl,

You published a letter of mine a few months back about remaining friends with the ex. After that I took a few months of a breather away from him, minimal contact, no phone calls etc. This was fine for both of us. But it couldn’t last forever, as his friends are also mine, and they’re really good about not letting him have custody even though he lives in their town and I live an hour away.

Anyway, by the time we saw each other again, we had each lost about 60 pounds. He got this great haircut that totally changed his look. Basically we each looked completely different and much better, and we were both much happier overall as well. (Singlehood has been sitting well with both of us). So needless to say, we both got really, um, curious.

Making a long story very short, we ended up sleeping together. A couple of times. It was SO much better than it was during the relationship, except for maybe at the very beginning when it was still all new. I know what a bad idea this is. What I just wanted to say, and to pass on to your readers, is this:

The reason it’s a bad idea to sleep with your ex is NOT that you will despise yourself the next day or hate yourself for being so weak or anything like that. The reason is that you will remember what it was about him/her that you fell in love with in the first place (that smile! that sense of humor!) and it will reopen old wounds that you thought were well healed. In other words, you will basically have to go through all the emotional work of breaking up all over again. That, as well as resisting the siren song of possible reconciliation and trying again. Don’t do it! It’s not worth it! Unless you’re the kind of person who also likes to hit him/herself over the head with large heavy objects repeatedly. Being over someone is a precious, and precarious, thing that should hopefully last forever. Even the greatest sex only lasts for a night or a day or whatever.

BG, keep up the good work. Hope your own love life is a bit more sane, or stable, or whatever, than my own and those of some of your other readers.

— A Somewhat Wiser Susan

Dear Susan,

THANKS. Couldn’t have said/not done it better myself.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.

Dear Breakup Girl,

Your column is great!! I’ve read and learned so much from your advice given to others, and now I need your help. Here’s the scoop: I’m 26, and 4 years ago I met a special guy who was my first. We dated for 3 years, moved in, and after 10 months I broke up with him. I realized that after living together, he was not the man to spend the rest of my life with…a lot of it was the little things, but there were some other issues as well. We moved out (apart) last Sept. I dated a few people after that, but nothing serious. Come march, my ex sent me an email (it was approaching our anniversary).

We ended up meeting, and well, I’m sure you know the rest. Also at that time I was feeling very lonely and was ecstatic to be with him again (although still unsure about the future thing). We started going out again. As exes, he had changed, for the better. After a while though, it just got too comfortable. He was settling in nicely into my 1 bedroom apartment. It was all too familiar. A couple weeks ago though, I met someone, we hit it off. After one night, we fooled around and I ended up spending the night. So, I was unfaithful to my ex, who had become not-so-much my ex anymore. I told him, of course, and now I feel like crap. He was extremely angry with me, called me every name under the sun, and also sent his friend an email with horrible things written about me, and copied me on it. (This is not like him at all!) Yes, I am sorry, he was a great guy…he loved me so much. Now I’ve thrown it away. The question is, I don’t know why! Was I afraid of commitment, or did I just need to have fun? I don’t know, but I wish I hadn’t now. I’ve wrecked my ex’s life twice, why? This new guy doesn’t even mean anything to me!!! What do you think is wrong with me??

— Sorry

Dear Sorry,

Nothing is wrong with you. You’re allowed (vs. recommended) one rebound; you’re allowed (vs. recommended) one relapse. It’s just in your case, these two incidents happened to, um, overlap. Tell your ex you’re truly sorry (let’s hope he apologizes for the little e-mail incident), and give yourself some serious space. Also, a break.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.

Making a mess on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

You must be the hardest-working superhero on the ‘Net. I’ve been reading your column for about three months now, and find what you have to say provocative and sensible. Here’s my big question: how does one deal with guilt? I need a little help.

Obscenely short fact roundup: G and I were engaged, but not particularly happily (you know: he asks you to marry him, then gets freaked out when you start thinking kids, house, future…) He started getting itchy feet, and wanted to break up (sow his wild oats, find someone with a body type ‘more his ideal’, the usual nonsense). So, I agreed, and we moved apart back in October.

I then (not having read BG’s website) broke a number of BG’s rules for breakups: it was long, slow, and messy. I was lonely, and depressed, and we spent far far too much time together. We also kept sleeping together sporadically, which was always followed by a few days of being utterly depressed to the point of it affecting my work and quality of life (thank you to my roommate for making sure that I ate!). All I wanted was to stay friends and to get on with my life (which I couldn’t do when we kept sleeping together). I had made it clear that we weren’t getting back together, but he kept saying that we weren’t and why couldn’t friends sleep together, etc. I wasn’t in a good space. (I should add that he was trying to date some woman in December, but it didn’t work out.)

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Staying strong on August 10, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend of three years broke up with me. He wanted to go for another girl. The three of us worked together and I was worried that I wouldn’t survive working with him because it would hurt too much to see him come on to her. Well, I did and he did. He tried his damndest to get her but was ultimately shot down. (Is it right for me to get pleasure out of that?). So, now I am presented with a new problem, one that sucks even more. Last Friday, I worked with him. He was exceedingly friendly, I’d say almost a bit too friendly. My friends seem to think that now that he was rejected by her, he’s going to come back to me. I don’t think I like that idea. While we were going out, he was very controlling. He wanted to know where I was 24 hours a day. I couldn’t go out with my friends if he wasn’t there. If I didn’t call him when I was supposed to, he blew up. Anyway, enough babbling, here’s my problem. I am happy with my life since he left, it’s better than it’s been in a long time. But now, they say he’ll be back. When I lie in bed at night, I think about how much I miss his companionship. I know that I have to say no to him, but I’m so scared that I won’t be able to. How to you tell a guy that you were in love with for three years that you don’t want him back, when your heart says you still do? My mind says he’s scum, my friends say he’s scum, my family says he’s scum, but my heart says I miss him. What can I do to make myself strong enough to send him away? I don’t want to be stuck with him, I really don’t, but… I think I still love him. Will that love go away? Please, please, please write back. I’ll send you flowers if you do.

— Shanequa

BG works it out after the jump

Still stressed on June 1, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a serious problem, BG. Have you ever heard of a person’s entire head of hair going gray due to a particularly crappy breakup? There was fully an inch of it coming out of my head before I took the matter (the bottle) into my own hands. I am young! I swear it! Could it be possible that a good, solid rebound might somehow reverse this procedure? Please say it’s so…

— The Silver Queen

P.S. I tried the “relapse” first, and although it seemed to help somehow, it didn’t really work on my hair.

Dear Silver Queen,

I prescribe Grecian Formula. As in: 1 round trip ticket to Crete + 1 great little dress = 1 man out of hair.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Old habits die hard on March 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently parted ways with my boyfriend of five months, over (as far as I can tell) a spaghetti dinner. In any case, shortly after splitting, we met again and promptly hopped into bed. I unwittingly believed that this encounter would mean something to both of us. Apparently I was wrong. I called him up to talk about the situation, and he was completely nonchalant, and became irritated with my repeated question of “is that all you have to talk about?” Anyway, the conversation ended with me being fairly hurt and confused, and him being generally clueless. Was it wrong for me to expect more? Please help me out.

– Tory

Dear Tory,

What you have here is Classic Relapse. See, breakups can be right up there with oysters, figs, and The Red Shoe Diaries in terms of their aphrodisiac qualities. It’s like, “Wow, you look great without … commitment.”

So, a Relapse and a Reunion are two entirely different animals. People: safeguard your feelings — and don’t toy with those of others. Either break up or don’t; act accordingly. But if you are going to break up, you might as well be eating spaghetti at the time

Love,
Breakup Girl

Reruns from February 2, 1998…

Laura writes: I’m 36, divorced (for over five years), and have been seeing a great guy for four months. But last week, a guy I fell head over heels for a year ago came back into my life (after having moved away for a year). I really like the guy I’m seeing, but have never felt that “magic” with him — as so wonderfully talked about in “Sleepless In Seattle” in the attic scene with the old wedding dress. I did feel “magic” with Mr. Return.

My plan of action is to spend time with Mr. Return on a non-sexual, nothing but friends basis to see if there is, truly something there. I want to be fair to the guy I’m dating, as well as to my soul — after all, I so want to find my destiny, and believe that abiding love has that “magic.” Do you have any other ideas? Do I sound like I’m totally barking up the wrong tree? Your advice is most welcome.

Lois Lane writes: I’ve been married for seven years (not happily) and about a year ago I met up with my ex-boyfriend from high school. It was like we never broke up. My husband can provide for me with material things but not emotionally. On the other hand my ex is there for me emotionally, but not for material things. Should I divorce my husband or should I stay for the sake of the kids? I’m so sad!

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A case of EX-squared from January 5, 1998… 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was seeing this guy for two years and we practically lived with each other. I finally broke things off because we had such different ideas about what life should be like. He and I remained friends and in actuality our relationship continued except we were free to do what we wanted to. His family and I are extremely close and I just spent Christmas at his family’s home. Just recently I met a wonderful man and he and I have everything in common. How do I make my ex understand that I have to move on in order to make my life happy without completely breaking his heart?

–Completely Confused
Dear Completely Confused,

With breakups like these, who needs boyfriends? The we-broke-up-but-we-still-sleep-together arrangement is normally designed to quell separation anxiety and get you through hormone monsoon season. But you’ve also retained family visitation rights! Wow! This is a a new one for Breakup Girl.

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