Dear Breakup Girl,

I was introduced to this boy two weeks ago, and yes, he’s cute, and he’s very nice, but he already acts like he’s my one and only. He doesn’t know that I’m a notorious player (…but I don’t actually enjoy breaking guys’ hearts). I don’t know how to tell him that we don’t have a serious thing going on … I am afraid of how he’ll react. How do I tell him?

— Puzzled Player

Dear Puzzled,

On the one hand: if he’s the kind of person who gets all “one and only” after only two weeks, then his attachment to you is — in part — a matter of his personality, not of your playerhood.

On the other: the act of breaking it to him — which you should just do, gently — is not your main problem. You, Puzzled, do have a serious thing going on. It’s that you’re finding out that playing people isn’t all fun and games. I mean, let’s say you don’t like brussels sprouts. You don’t like them, you stop eating them. But if you don’t breaking hearts, then why don’t you just stop? Here’s why: there’s gotta be something in it for you. Are you afraid that you’re not likeable in a girlfriend kind of way? Are you looking for quick fixes to soothe loneliness? Do you have something to prove … like that you’re a “bad person?” I don’t have enough data to tell you exactly why myself, so you’re the one who’s got to play this one out in your head. Before the next boy, or the next, or the next, decides he’s the one and only.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published on August 3, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently met this really hot guy. We hit it off right away, flirting left and right. He came over a few times, and we made out. He’s a few years older than me, so right off the bat I told him I am not going to have sex with him, and I’m not. He said okay, and we are still “proceeding” with the “relationship.” It seems that I always call him to come over, and he only calls when I tell him to. Is he just in it for one thing, to get as far as he can? He kinda has a reputation as being a player. Should I still proceed, knowing that he probably just wants one thing? Does he, or is he changing? I know he’ll never pressure me for sex, and he’ll respect my decisions about how far we go. What do we do? HELP!!!!!!!!

— Confused

Dear Confused,

If he were “changing,” he’d be calling you and taking you out on actual “dates.” Also, you wouldn’t be putting “quotes” around words like “relationship.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published on August 3, 1998.

From today’s BG super-inbox. Summary: “Ladies! Watch out for those wily ‘faux-ballers’ — who are some of our best customers!” What the what?

Have you ever seen that guy at the bar or nightclub with an entourage of people trying to enhance his profile? You know, the guy’s showing off a wad of cash (as pocket change), flashing his Range Rover parked in valet and trying to invite you back to his five-bedroom house. It’s an interesting story that one of our customers actually admitted. He took over a Mercedes car lease to be a “faux baller.” Naturally, we wanted to ask some follow up questions and tip off women on these poor practices from men. So LeaseTrader went out and asked our guy customers (what it truly meant) their tips and tricks for being a “baller on a budget.” Here’s how you spot a “faux baller.”

Inflated Posse – Get a group of 4-6 friends and take turns being the baller. Each night choose one guy and designate him as baller for the entire evening. Let him carry around all the money and purchase drinks throughout the night. Also you can hype his swagger by asking questions about his latest trip to Dubai or if he closed that multimillion dollar deal last week in London.

Empty Bank Account On Friday Night – Take out all the money from your bank account (literally, take all your money out) before hitting your first destination. Here’s the trick. Pay for each drink you order but don’t start a tab. This gives you the chance to pull out your extremely huge wad of cash for each drink purchase. Make sure you pull out this cash when ladies are nearby.

Getting A Car You Have no Business Driving – This was the inspiration to the story. Our customer wanted to get a sick Mercedes on the cheap. The secondary lease market (LeaseTrader.com) lets “faux ballers” get a Mercedes or even a Maserati for pennies on the dollar with little financial commitment.

Sharing Payments – Purchase that sweet condo or house with a group of friends (the same friends that serve as your club entourage). You’ll hopefully be making money on your investment and getting immediate satisfaction telling girls you bought the place as your vacation home when you’re not traveling around the world. Just make sure your buddies are staying at their parents’ place for the evening or sleeping in their car.

Fake Passport Locations – Nothing says “faux baller” like your faux passport. When you’re talking about running with the bulls in Spain, catching the Cannes Film Festival, or dropping in on Carnaval in Brazil, pull out your faux passport with proof of being in each country and this should seal the deal.

After doing this research we thought you might have some fun with these. If you have any further questions let me know and i’ll be glad to help.

Best,

NAME REDACTED
PR Manager
LeaseTrader.com

Repeating history on March 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been played in each and every one of my past five relationships. Now I have hooked up with this girl who seems nice, but I think that it is too good to be true. I want everything to go well but with my luck with relationships it will bomb. How can I be sure that she won’t play me like all the rest? Please get back to me.

— Been Played

Dear Played,

You can’t be sure she won’t play you “like all the rest.” In fact, she definitely will. Because that’s the way you look at relationships.

Listen up. In a strictly statistical sense (and in a world where people get married only once), all relationships but one come to an end. So what you are experiencing, Played, is life. What you are doing to make sense of it all — which is what humans do — is calling it “my luck with relationships.”

Look, people want more than anything in the whole world to be right, right? (Why do you think I write an advice column?) Anyway, you’ve issued the statement “I Am A Person Who Gets Played In Relationships.” And so, in each relationship you get into — whatever its demise — you say to yourself, “There you go. I got played.” Why? Because you (like any normal human) have to be right about the fact that you get played in relationships. Otherwise, you wouldn’t know what to do or , frankly, who you are. And otherwise, you’d have to take a little responsibility instead of blaming “all the rest.” See what I mean ?

So how about issuing this statement: “I Am A Person Who Does His Best to Make Relationships Work.” Now get in there and have a girlfriend instead of sitting around being a bullseye for the bomb.

Love,
Breakup Girl

A playa-dater from February 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My problem is that it always seems that the guys who want to get involved with me are the ones who have girlfriends waiting at home for them. One guy in particular introduced me to his girlfriend without my even having a clue that he had one. I’m really afraid of repeating the same mistake. Do you know of any signs or signals that I can look for to ensure that this will not continue to happen?

— Completely Misunderstood
Dear Misunderstood,

Use the word “scrunchie” in a sentence. If he understands you, he’s got a Betty back at home. (Alternate test word: “loofah.”)

Love,
Breakup Girl

Another quickie from January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I have a great guy, but he is known to play girls. He’s going to Las Vegas and I’m afraid he’s gonna cheat. He said he won’t — is he for real?
— Air-N

Dear Air-N,
Vegas? Girl, you’re the one who’s gambling.
Love,
Breakup Girl