Measuring up on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am a 17 year-old male. Please please please let me know what you think about penis size. Does size matter? You can laugh at me, make jokes, anything, but please let us know your thoughts on this. Please.

— Shain

Dear Shain,

Breakup Mom, didn’t you leave something on the stove?

Still, I’m going to play it safe and quote someone else on this one. In this month’s issue of P.O.V., Sheri De Borchgrave writes: “Yes, size does matter. Now get over it. Most guys are just right, i.e. average. They measure in at a proud five or six inches with a 1.25 inch diameter. But remember, a poorly handled weapon [note: BG does not endorse this word choice] of any size is useless. Size does matter, but so does good technique… Your mission: go forth and find the right fit, and stop obsessing about the size of your manhood. Men have hatched this absurd collective paranoia. Remember: in the end, what [women, or whomever your partners] really care about is not how big you are, but how big your desire is to satisfy us.”

BG’s finesse: it’s not that your partner will be unsatisfied if you are small (“small”). It’s that your partner will be unsatisfied if you act small.

This is information you will use when you are ready, in like, four years, right, Shain?

Love,
Breakup Girl