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"Saving Love Lives The World Over!" e-mail e-mail to a friend in need

October 28

Love is a chronic condition too

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:15 am

Helping a friend on August 24, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I enjoy your advice immensely but I’ve never seen this issue tackled before. I’m a female friend of a wonderful guy who is in his mid-thirties, a doctor, funny, intelligent, handsome — and all that, but over the last two years he has developed an increasingly debilitating severe lower-back problem. He has no trouble getting women, but for the last two serious relationships he has had (both with women in their mid-twenties), one of which lasted about a year, and the most recent which lasted about 8 months, he feels that initially things go great but as the relationship progresses and he starts spending more and more time with his girlfriend, that she becomes aware of his “chronic pain condition” and how truly limiting it is – he spends a lot of time at doctors, a LOT of bed-rest with icepack on his back, TENs units — things like that. So he ends up not being able to do all the things that people dating can so often do — ie. go to movies, bike ride, travel, etc.

His last girlfriend just dumped him a few days ago saying that “some spark was missing.” Well, no kidding, he’s in a lot of pain, he get’s depressed, and he’s forced to be inactive a lot! He may or may not be able to have back surgery for his particular problem, and even then he will probably never have normal mobility.

(more…)

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April 26

Invalid response

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:08 am

Getting out of bed on June 22, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently met a guy online who was so sweet and a real friend, or so I thought. He had good reasons for breaking up, but he says he wants to be friends, which is fine with me, but he is avoiding me. I am older than him, and this has really destroyed my ego. I should mention that I have been stuck in the house for 3 years, I have a herniated disc, sciatica, and arthritis in my hips, and I am much too young for this. I am in almost constant pain; my friends have sort of cut me out of their life, because I was bed-bound for so long. The last two weeks were great; but now the pain is coming back even worse.All the guys I meet online (which is ok with my husband, so long as I am faithful) are really nice at first, but after awhile when my back acts up, they get impatiant, which I can understand, as being in so much pain is a drag, for me, and for my friends. My husband is just not the romantic type and I need some happiness in my life (we fight frequently)! Yet I have no wish to hurt or leave him. What do I do, Breakup Girl? I am very depressed, I’m even taking Prozac, and because of the pain I’m in can’t work. There is also another guy online that I have feelings for but he doesn’t treat me very well. And one other that shares a relationship with me that is so special. Can you give me some advice? I do not wish to hurt anyone, but it seems that I am the one being hurt. Help!!! Thank you so much, I hope one day to be well enough in body, mind, and spirit to help others with their problems. I was able to do that at one time, but since this pain began, I cannot even help myself. If there is anything you can do to help me I would be so appreciative, and also on the road to recovery and helping others again as I used to. Light and Love.
— L

But wait, there’s more.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I wrote to you earlier this morning. I am sorry if my letter wasn’t the most coherent…I only discoverd you today and didn’t even know the format the letter should take. My problems run even deeper than I stated in my earlier letter. (more…)

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November 10

Love is a lot like a drug

Filed under: News,Psychology — posted by Kristine @ 10:58 am

When scientists — arguably the most logical of humans — try to make sense of love, interesting things are bound to happen. As Albert Einstein concluded: “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” (No one’s ruled out inertia, entropy, or nuclear fusion.) Traditionally, of course — metaphorically or otherwise — we trace the origin of love to our hearts. Thankfully, though, Syracuse University Professor Stephanie Ortigue suggests that our head has something to do with it, too — and not just when it’s over our heels.

In the new study “The Neuroimaging of Love,” Ortigue reveals that “12 areas of the brain work in tandem to release euphoria-inducing chemicals such as dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline and vasopression.” Basically, “falling in love can elicit not only the same euphoric feeling as using cocaine, but also affects intellectual areas of the brain.” Apparently, when it comes to love, we can go from zero to sixty in 1/5th of a second — meaning that euphoria can enter our system as quickly, if not faster, than a controlled substance.

So falling in love is like being on cocaine. It happens real fast, you’re on this crazy high — and then you come down. Interestingly enough, cocaine was once an ingredient in Coca Cola. Coca Cola was first introduced as a patent medicine “for all that ails you.” Since cocaine isn’t legal and has long been removed from Coca Cola, maybe all we need is love?

Dr. Sean Mackey, chair of the pain management division of Stanford University, might agree. Writing recently in Time, Alice Park explores Mackey’s research into to what degree love might “influence how we experience physical pain.” Mackey discovered that when people who reported being in the first stages of “new and passionate love”  were shown pictures of their various pumpkins and pookies, they could withstand greater amounts of pain — even more so than when occupied by mental tests or when shown photos of equally attractive friends.

While I am all for love as a potential wonder-drug, one of my questions is: why only romantic love? Would throwing a different kind of love — say parent/child — into the pain equation garner the same results? Isn’t that love just as mind-altering? Nope, turns out. Well, not in the same way.

Ortigue’s study found that the reason parent-child love would likely not have the same effects on pain is that different parts of the brain are stimulated by different kinds of love: “Passionate love is sparked by the reward part of the brain, and also associative cognitive brain areas that have higher-order cognitive functions, such as body image.”

Parent-child love wouldn’t reduce pain physically because it doesn’t stimulate the reward center. However, that’s not to say that a parent wouldn’t be able to endure more pain should their child be in danger. In essence, Mackey’s study is strengthened by Ortigue’s assertion that the brain releases chemicals akin to cocaine to stimulate romantic love, because like cocaine, love works back and forth with the brain as it heightens certain things and dulls others. Love engages “our very deep, old and primitive reptilian system that involves basic needs, wants, and cravings.”

Since romantic love allows us to withstand more pain, perhaps it is the reason humans survive. While the end of love can hurt, to the point of making people lovesick, the euphoria of being in love keeps us coming back, much like cocaine keeps an addict coming back — all ensuring that we continue the species. From an evolutionary standpoint, the emergence of romantic love in humans may be all about survival of the fittest – rewarding us for the formation of potentially strong alliances with our mates and, as shown by Mackey allowing us to withstand greater amounts of pain, which from a primitive standpoint would have been useful in a fight with that mastodon.

Be thankful. Biology is looking out for us in more ways than one.

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