Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been following Scone Boy’s predicament with interest, because his situation resembles mine. Except I’m pretty sure that I have in fact seen the letters “HELP ME” traced in the condensation on the window of the speeding car.

Background. Dated him for a year. Was absolutely nuts about him. He gave me some nice gifts, two of which were very personal and which he made for me. (These figure later in the story.) About a year and a half ago, he bolted. We’re talking disappeared for a month. I finally left him a message: “Haven’t heard from you, how have you been?” “I’ve been OK, just haven’t had much to say.” Smitten though I was, I knew this was a Very Bad Thing, and, despite his protests, I broke it off and returned all the gifts. A year and a half later, my life is mostly OK–friends, other men, recreation, work.

He never seemed to accept the break. Kept in touch, occasionally because of a “Haven’t seen you in awhile, how have you been?” from me, but mostly on his own initiative. More than once he has expressed hurt and resentment at my having returned the gifts. At one point he gave some of them back to me–not the most personal ones–but his subsequent behavior was so annoying that I gave them back again, much more rudely than the first time. I told him to just leave me alone. He went to my friends in an attempt to “explain” himself. More dialogue ensued. Right now he is in touch more than ever, and we’re closer than ever, partly because of his new willingness to really open up to me.

(more…)

Pretty hopeless on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Me and Mr. Perfect have been dating for eleven months. But I guess I should explain to you what all went on during those months, the best ones of my life. We met one day in advanced drama where I was actually trying to hook him up with someone else. But then I started to get to know him and I really don’t know why we didn’t notice each other sooner, as perfect as we fit together. He shared many of the same interests….we both acted and modeled and even had the same agency representing us. He was Mr. Popular who every girl dreamed of (his looks and charm told why) and I was Head Cheerleader and class President. He modeled for Tommy and I was on the verge of a job for CK Jeans. Everyone thought we were the PERFECT couple, and at first, I did too. We even acted together, often starring opposite each other. In the school’s major production I was Juliet and he was Romeo.

But you know how high school works, as soon as people start getting jealous the rumors start flying!!! All across the school we were known for everything from sleeping together to modeling in nude photos. It didn’t bother me as much as it did him. He became obsessed with his ego, and when I confronted him about it, he denied it. We decided it best if we broke up for a bit to get the rumors off our backs. They were hurting our relationship too much. We got to the point where we were scared to talk to each other in class, in fear someone might start something from it. Soon our reps were cleared and we started going back out. We loved each other so much it was hard to keep apart. But then he started seeing other chicks. At first it was just an occassional “friend” over at his house (which doesn’t bother me at all), but it worked up to where he was skipping dates with me to spend weekends at their condos and resorts.

(more…)

Dear Breakup Girl,

I started dating at a very young age (14 years old). My parents let me date this guy whose name is Jesse. We went together for a year and a half. We went through this little stage in which we would break up, then change our minds so on and so forth. Well we have been officially split for about 2 months. My best guy friend Chris is one of Jesse’s friends so of course I hear about him often, even though Chris doesn’t talk a lot about Jesse (he knows that it hurts me). Well recently I was shopping with my friend Christine and I saw Jesse at the mall with one of his guy friends. It had been a long time since I had seen him and it was good and bad all at the same time. We didn’t know how to act since we were there together, but not really together (you know what I mean). So me and my friend were going to leave because she knew I felt awkward around him, but he said he wanted a hug before I left. I was wrong when I thought that would be okay. Of course those sparks started flying. He told me how much he missed me and all of those lines that make a girl happy. Well Jesse decided to go and talk to my father, who happens to be a big man, and ask him if Jesse and I could go out soon. (My family does not like him.) Well my 16th birthday party was coming up the following weekend and my dad agreed on my behalf that Jesse and I could go out after my party. Well here I am thinking this is great. All of a sudden he doesn’t like to call as much. He met someone else in those moments of time before he could see me. He still calls every once in a while. At one time I was his everything. Now I am nothing. There is so much more to this story, but should I just say forget him and move on. He still gives me hope at times, and then turns it away. I love him and I guess that is why it hurts so bad! HELP!!!!

— Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

If Jesse was willing to lay it on the line with your big scary disapproving dad, then, well, yeah: you’d think that you were about to be upgraded to his “everything” again. But my hunch is that he was running on leftover sparks from that mall-hug — sparks that since then, for whatever heinous awful painful no-good very-bad reason, have gone out. In terms of giving you hope, I think he is just trying to be nice. Which is … nice. But not a sign. Still, at least it indicates that you are not nothing to him. You are someone he still cares about, at very least — and with so many other nightmare breakups going on around us, hey, that’s something.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published on August 3, 1998…

Hopelessly devoted on June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Well, I have been reading your column regularly for a few months (since January, actually) when my boyfriend of one year and I broke up. It was good as far as breakups go… well, I guess, it was my first real relationship (I am now seventeen, he eighteen). We had a wonderful relationship, he was never less than all I could hope for in a sweetheart, first love, and best friend, we loved each other truly, and he never gave me a moment’s anxiety about my decision to not have sex until marriage, in fact that was one of his favorite things about me. It ended on good terms and mutually when we decided that it was not necessary to be so serious at this age, (we both imagined marrying each other, and still do) and we wanted to give ourselves and each other more space and freedom. I’ve written two letters to you since all this, since it has been a rather up-and-down past few months in the love/guy department! (more…)

Getting un-stuck on June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

You may remember me as the one whose boyfriend dumped me by cassette tape last year [that’s another story for another column — BG]. Since then we have broken up and gotten back together probably five or six times. After the last breakup we decided to be “friends” but started having four-hour-long online conversations that revolved mostly around cybersex. Perhaps I can be forgiven for thinking that this was going to be the beginning of the NEXT phase of our relationship … until last week when I forced the issue and flat-out asked him if he’d already found someone else that he was seeing…and he said yes. When I said, “You’ve been having those conversations with ME and seeing someone else?” he told me to stop giving him my “self-righteous bullsh*t.” (Keep in mind we’ve been seeing each other on and off for four years.) Anyway, my question — yes, what IS my question, you are asking — is, even though the guy is a louse, and seems incapable of being honest with me, and clearly doesn’t care much about me…WHY CAN I NOT SEEM TO GET HIM OUT OF MY SYSTEM? Thanks for any insight you might have: your website, Jonathan Kellerman books, and Haagen-Dazs “Dulce de Leche” ice cream are the only things keeping me going right now.

— PerpetuaG

Breakup Girl’s response after the jump

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn helps Jennifer who is in the typical on-again, off-again, friends-with-benefits-again, off-again, FWB-again relationship. Or at least she was until recently…

Now we’re boyfriend and girlfriend again. And he’s treating me much better than he did the first time we dated! Picking me up to go out, taking me to nice restaurants, spending more time at my place, the works.

Is he a changed man like his friends say, or will he leave her again as her friends say? Read the full letter and Lynn’s advice at Happen, then comment below!

Taking stock on January 4, 1999…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I seem to be suffering long-term effects from a breakup that occurred in May of this year. We started dating in January, he was very warm, caring, called every day, brought flowers and wine whenever he came to see me. Told me everyday that he was thinking about me. We were very hot together.

I knew he was going through a divorce shortly after we started dating. I know that’s the big #1 no-no in dating. I just waited for 2 years after my divorce for a man just like him to come into my life. I was ready to fall for someone.

Several problems happened during the early part of our relationship: one of his parents died unexpectedly and he was suffering massive guilt after that. His divorce took a very nasty turn for the worse. My life was making great improvements all the way around.

In April, he started to tell me that he needed time to think. I let go for a couple of weeks and then he wanted to see me again. I saw him once and told myself that this was the last time I would ever see him again and I used it as a way to say goodbye to him inside myself. We never said goodbye.

(more…)

Out-numbered on January 28, 1998...

Dear Breakup Girl,

Is it so much a relationship if we break up six times a year but make up seven times over?

— Yvonne

 
Dear Yvonne,

That’s not a relationship, that’s a math problem.

Love,
Breakup Girl