Dear Breakup Girl,

My live-in boyfriend of nearly two years dumped two days ago. To add to the joy and pleasure, I am studying for a semester a 20-hour drive away from my home and from anyone I can set up a coffee date with to b*tch and moan. Yesterday, I told my mom that we were “reassessing our relationship.” You know what her response was? “Whose idea was it?” I told her, “I don’t think I need to share that information.”

Let me also point out that the woman has a history of giving me love advice with the basic theme of “If only you (were more assertive, plucked your eyebrows, took a step aerobics class), you wouldn’t be having these problems, you would be having the time of your life on your honeymoon and then you’d provide me with some grandchildren already!” I once went out with a guy who drank *while he was driving*, and you know what her response was? Not, “I’m so glad that you were so smart and take such good care of yourself that you realize you don’t need an addict in your life,” but “Why aren’t you still going out with Al?”

I can see what’s going to happen — I’m going to cut off communications on the subject, and she’s going to get all hurt and ask me why I don’t confide in her anymore. (Or — and this shows you what a marvelously healthy family *I* come from — she’ll ask my sister why I’m not willing to confide in her.) What to do?

— SC

P.S. I’m 33 and this is the first long-term relationship I’ve had, which means there was mucho pressure from her to formalize and get started on the next generation. Her sister, with whom she is intensely competitive, has 4 lovely granddaughters already. And a son-in-law who’s an investment banker.

BG’s response after the jump!

Read; weep. Nothing to add.

World of Warcraft is definitely not for someone facing the end of three decades of marriage. Yet I am all of these things as well as a Darkspear Troll mage, with my home in the Barren Lands, a savanna populated with livid pink T-Rexes who wear blue necklaces and matching earrings. I am Level 21 (out of 70), just high enough to get out of the newbie playpen and die suddenly as I stray past cave bears or mega-spiders. /snip/

In many ways, “WoW” was weirdly evocative of what I faced in life. I was newly alone and, like my avatar, dependent on the skills I had, not the ones I wished for. At each turn, I seemed to be facing new dangers. Often, I died. But I rose again and again, finding within myself a bedrock strength that even this calamity did not erase.

My son and I learned “WoW” together. While he commandeered the keyboard, I sat beside him, to help him choose a path…My son has a generous, intuitive spirit. Though I’ve done my best to seem normal, like a weather vane he reads my moods. For weeks, I walked like the Undead through the routines of family life. I felt as gaping as the creatures in Undercity, a “WoW” metropolis, with their chests ripped open to expose neon-colored hearts….Then my son would invite me to play, his voice shiny with intentional cheer. I would find myself with his arm curled around my neck like the tenderest, toughest vine. His fear of what was happening to us moored me to earth. The end of love is a voyage to an unknown land, with mysteries and dangers that I had to learn to navigate…

So here are my “WoW” lessons, thanks to my son:…

Nope, sorry! Click here to behold Robin Kirk’s amazing essay in its full, gory, glory.

Madonna? Whore? It’s not so complex on February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been celibate for six years. Why? The one-night stands got old a long time ago (I’ve been sexually active since age 16), and the chance of AIDS is simply too great to risk my life on a piece of plastic. My buddies ask me, “Why don’t you just get a girlfriend? At least you’d get laid.” However, I can’t justify dating someone solely for the purpose of having sex — it would be an empty relationship at best, and ultimately doomed to failure.

Also, most all of the women I meet nowadays, in my age group (late twenties), quite often have morals lower than the average college jock. I simply can’t imagine that type of woman one day becoming the “mother of my children.” My friends tell me my standards are too high, and that I’ll never find anyone who will “fit the bill.”

Should I lower my standards? Am I being unrealistic? Is wanting a reasonably attractive and intelligent woman, with morals, a sense of humor, and not of baggage too much to ask these days? Right now, my focus is on developing my future so that if/when I meet “Miss Right,” I’ll be financially prepared to provide a comfortable life for ourselves and our children. In the meantime, it’s difficult not having anyone with whom to share things. It can become quite lonely at times. I’ll admit, my standards are high. I may expect a lot, but it’s only because I have just as much to offer. What’s your opinion?

— Hopeful

(more…)

…you’re actually pretty normal, apparently.

Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). This week, we meet “For Love Or Money?” who asks Lynn to resolve an age-old question: “Who’s right: me or my Mom?”

Also, this age-old question: “When it comes to love, how much does money matter?”

A lot, if you ask FLOM’s mom, who says that since FLOM makes a lot of money, she should get involved only with men who make even more. FLOM, for her part, isn’t so sure. And she’s getting tired of mom asking, “How much does he make?” (instead of, say, “Does he treat you right and make you happy?”).

So. Who is right? Read the great debate, and then come back here to comment!

“Mom! You’re totally embarrassing me! Next time you cheat on dad, get somebody cute, OK?”

According to a totally unscientific, self-selecting survey conducted by the prestigious research super-team Cookie Magazine and AOL Body, out of 30,000 respondents who self-identified as married women with children, 34% claim to be getting action between soccer practice and piano lessons, if you know what I’m saying. But this being the Internet, it’s also pretty likely that 33% of those 30,000 respondents are guys who really just like the idea of mom waiting for the UPS guy in lingerie while dad is…well, thinking about dad just ruins it.

While cheating is against the BG creed, thank God someone is at least paying attention to the sex lives of mothers, whether in actual practice or pure speculation. Though of course, actual practice would be much, much better. I mean a card on Mothers’ Day is nice, but after raising you, doesn’t she deserve a nice big, hard….hug?