NOT letting go on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I know that I’m on your Breakup List and I wholeheartedly agree — and the deed was carried out a couple of weeks ago. We agreed to be friends and in an effort to “talk” (we estimated an hour) we ended up spending most of the day (and night) together — good idea…at the time. So in parting, we really let loose on the feelings while in an hour long embrace — I cried, he choked up — the whole 9 yards.

Well, I’d closed the chapter — not to look back ANYTIME SOON, when who appears at my office(almost missing me) we ran into each other as I’m getting off the elevator and he’s getting on. He was with a friend and I was with his sis (who I work with — tough to forget with her around). He says that he misses me and was going to call me the night before, etc. We all chit chat and sis and I go in the office. So on my desk is a note saying that he wished I was here, that he missed our talks, he was looking forward to seeing me, ending it with “Love…”. So, I call him later that night and we talk about how the last night together was great…..we get mushy and I tell him that if I didn’t talk to him before he went away again (extended period for work), that I hope that everything worked out, etc. We end the conversation with me saying that I still love him and he says “I love you — you know that,” not to mention him using all of his pet names for me, etc. He also says that he’ll write (which is something that he didn’t do before and a source of stress for me). He didn’t offer and I didn’t ask about his living arrangements or phone number or anything — I ended up not talking to him before he left and he’s gotten to where he was headed and I haven’t heard from yet either. I was definitely doing much better before he stopped by, now, I’m confused again, whereas before, I was quite happy with the way things ended. I guess that now, I’m deep down inside thinking that there’s a chance. I don’t know if he was just being cruel by being so nice so soon or if there is some chance somewhere down the line? By the way, in ending the phone call, he said to keep remembering the talk we had while clutching each other.. I’m VERY CONFUSED NOW.

— Barbie Doll

BG clears things up after the jump!

Mixed feelings on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This is part of the letter that you printed from Jolene:

“If I am supposed to move on and am not, then does that mean that this love that I have falled into is meant to be?”

I was wondering what you thought of that concept: specifically, if one party of a breakup (the boy) is exremely upset, and think it’s a big mistake, and the other party (me, the girl) has mixed feelings, does this mean that it’s meant to be, and my breaking up with him was a mistake? I am seeing someone else now (it’s been a year and a half, if you can believe it) whom I love. All goes well until my ex-boyfriend calls, or writes, and then I get really thrown for a loop. I start having difficulty enjoying my new relationship, and feel guilty about being happy when he is still so unhappy and lost. I wish more than anything that he wasn’t so sad. I broke up with him because of the things he didn’t do, even though I told him those things were important to me. Things like living in the same city, his visiting me more often, being more enthusiastic about going out and doing things. I really believe that those things would change if I went back to him now, but I am already seeing someone else, and the fact of the matter is, why oh why did it have to take my breaking up with him for him to be so overcome with love, commitment, a newfound desire for children, etc.? I love him, but broke up with him because of what he did (or didn’t do, more accurately). Anyhow, all of this is to ask you your opinion, and sage counsel on when or how you can know when things are “meant to be.”

— Kyrsten

Answer after the jump!

Eternal questions from May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My “boyfriend.” who is/was 32, whereas I am 44, has essentially broken up with me. I, however, find that subsequently, his attractiveness and desirability are increasing exponentially with his condescending and sarcastic behavior. How sick am I? How can I get well?

–Catherine

Dear Catherine,

How many cliches do you want? The grass is always greener, you want what you can’t have, yadda, yadda, yadda. Or, to give it a more highfalutin psychological spin, it’s all about avoiding cognitive dissonance: the more Gingrichian his disposition, the more firmly and desperately you cling — at least in your imagination/memory — to days gone by, when he actually was attractive and desirable. No matter what, it’s a normal breakup response, not a symptom of illness. The secret to “getting well,” such as it is, is to not act on these seemingly sick feelings. Take a chill and call me — not him! — in the morning.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Another good bi from March 30, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Ohmigod! This guy, my kinda friend, just told me he wants to ask me out. He’s really strange. He’s a bisexual, which is totally cool with me if we’re friends, but not as a boyfriend. He paints his nails and dyes his hair and carries around hair cream. The whole thing just kinda creeps me out. I’m really spazzing now because it is so odd to be around him. To tell you the truth I don’t even like him that much! I feel really bad but! Ahh help me please!!!!!!!!!

— SOOOOOOO Stressed

Dear SOOOOOOO Stressed,

Ohmigod! Relationships are, like, complicated enough, even when they start out on the right foot. But believe you me — and I think you’re catching on to this — “I don’t even like him that much” is soooooo the wrong foot to start out on, even if the toes thereupon are sporting some phat shade of Hard Candy. So if you do want to hang with him, say, “Hey, thanks a million, I’m not sure dating would work, but hanging out would be great,” and then walk the talk. If you don’t want to hang out with him, say, “Hey, thanks a million, I’m not sure dating would work.” And let me leave you with one question: is it odd to be around him because you’re profoundly concerned for his feelings, or because — much the same way Cordelia used to find it “odd” to be around Buffy, Willow, and Xander — the only vote he’ll get for Popularity King is from the hair cream lobby? Think about it.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Here’s a recap of last week’s advice update, in case you were busy getting out the vote, keeping hope alive, etc.:

Ask Lynn, Breakup Girl’s alter ego’s advice columns at MSN.com (powered by Match.com), is now being updated monthly rather than weekly (boo!) … but now you’ll get two new ones at a time (yay!). So, for November, we’ve got not one but two different fellas pining for two different gals who, long before election day, appear to have appointed themselves co-mayors of Mixed Messages City.

There’s

1. Waiting Gamer, wondering if his flip-flopper-in-chief will leave her lame boyfriend and be his cuddling mate for real

and

2. Rave Boy, wondering how to win back the vote of his ex, who is clearly undecided.

Read the letters and Lynn’s advice, and then come back here to comment — early and often!

Ask Lynn, Breakup Girl’s alter ego’s advice columns at MSN.com (powered by Match.com), is now being updated monthly rather than weekly (boo!) … but now you’ll get two new ones at a time (yay!). So, for November, we’ve got not one but two different fellas pining for two different gals who, long before election day, appear to have appointed themselves co-mayors of Mixed Messages City.

There’s

1. Waiting Gamer, wondering if his flip-flopper-in-chief will leave her lame boyfriend and be his cuddling mate for real

and

2. Rave Boy, wondering how to win back the vote of his ex, who is clearly undecided.

Read the letters and Lynn’s advice, and then come back here to comment — early and often!

Prolonged agony from December 16, 1997…
Dear Breakup Girl,
I was recently dumped by a guy that I went out with for quite some time. Even though I agreed with him that breaking up was the right thing to do (and I really thought I meant it!) I can’t get over him now. I still have to see him quite often since we have a lot of the same friends, and it kills me to see him with anyone else. My friends are also sick of hearing about everything. What should I do to get over him once and for all?
— Still Lusting

Dear Lusting,
Don’t second-guess yourself; I’m sure you did mean it when you agreed that breaking up was the right thing. But breakups are Mixed Feelings City (slogan: “I never want to see you again…unless you’re wearing those jeans”) — and right now, you’re the mayor.

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