Detoxing on November 30, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Great site– First time reader, first time writer…I broke up with my boyfriend between 3 and 6 times — cannot be certain as I was sometimes drunk. Anyway, each time he did the whole flowers, love notes– even love FAXES (during one of the breakups I was in Paris).

Anyway in August he met someone else and all of a sudden he was like “I want to see other people.”

At the time I lived upstairs from him in the same building so I and had to see him/his apartment every day. It was too Melrose so I moved across town but couldn’t get him out of my mind. Mostly I hated him but recently I began to think I loved him deep down. I even had 3 dreams about him. I had refused to talk to him until last weekend– I made up an excuse to see him– I was not impressed with what I saw and the meeting went NOT WELL. Last night he called on my cell phone asking why I was so mean to him Sunday and saying stuff like HE misses me and you don’t appreciate what you have till its gone, blah, blah,blah….. I told him I hate him and not to ever call me again — but I can’t stop thinking about him…

I know I badly need to get a life, but apart from that — and therapy, which I plan to start this week — can you give me any advice on how to feel human again? I am so tempted to call him– he still has the Sneaker Pimps import CD we used to have sex to– I could demand it back but what’s the point if I know he is just going to torture me about having this other guy in his life….. What should I do?

— Scott

BG’s answer after the jump!

Not staying friends on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I guess I don’t necessarily have a problem, I just keep running into him on a far-more-than-regular basis.

You see, my ex and I were best friends before we began dating. He wanted me to be his girlfriend … but on my end, I didn’t much care for the idea. I’d had a rough childhood of sexual abuse, and I had a baby at age 15 and gave him up for adoption, and such events finally led me to a life-threatening nervous breakdown, therapy, and the like.

Of course, he knew all of this, being my best friend and all, and he was so supportive of me. So, after receiving truckloads of love letters from the guy while I was on an internship half-way across the country, I decided I definitely wanted to give him a chance when I got back to college.

My first week back, we went out for dinner, and discovered we lived in apartment buildings right next to each other, both on the fourth floor, both facing the courtyard, and thus, we could talk through the windows, him from his kitchen, me from my living room. It wound up being one of those splendid romances that I will remember for the rest of my life. Never before had either of us shared a connection like ours. We knew it. We loved each other, and we didn’t doubt this in the least.

Well, that December I graduated from college, and he still had a year to go. We’d decided I would stay behind and work until he garnered his degree and we could move away together. La di da di da. You know the drill.

On Christmas Eve he told me he didn’t know if he could see me anymore, because the experiences that led me to the aforementioned depression “ate away at his stomach,” and he just didn’t think I was “pure enough,” and whatnot. And to paraphrase, but how did he know I would never be that depressed again someday?

(more…)

The days of our lives, including October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This past year my life could have been a soap opera of the popular kind. It has included all of the standard characters; the bitch (me), the poor, explioted b/f (my ex), the hunky-but-mean crush (my HUGE mistake). Well, that’s the characters, now to the plot.

Me and my bf (let’s call him John) had been together for 1.5 years with everything that includes; almost breaking up, getting back together, going on vacation together, visiting his family who lives more than 1000 km from here, you know, all the pair-things. But then one day in all my stupidity and ignorance, I cheated on my bf. To my defence I will only say that this other hunky-but-showed-out-to-be-unbelievably-selfish guy is one who I had had a crush on a while before my bf and I got together, and my feelings for this guy weren’t totally non-existing (but mind you, I was NOT in love with him, it was just a stupid mistake; actually the biggest mistake of my life so far…). I would also like to stress that it was a no-sex thing, just kissing-and-clothes-on. I am not trying to excuse what I did, I am not proud of it. But as John is quite conservative on this, the whole thing ended with us breaking up, and me being THE BITCH.

(more…)

Getting a second opinion on October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

It started about four months ago. I met a wonderful guy who I thought would be the ONE. I wasn’t really looking at the time for anyone serious. Things started out fast and furious. Spent all of our time together and never fought. Two months into the relationship I mysteriously contract the Herpes virus. He tells me he doesn’t have it and also that it won’t interfere with the relationship. Soon after he starts to become distant. I really don’t think anything of it, thinking he just has some added stress. We continue on a healthy path for another month. Then 4 days ago he breaks up with me because (1) he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. He just wants to be “alone”. He had been alone for 2 years before meeting me. And (2) he isn’t sure that he can handle the Herpes thing anymore. I know that I am better off without someone who can’t deal with the virus, but don’t you think he owes me an explanation about why he suddenly changed his mind. I also would really like to know if he lied to me all along about whether or not he had the virus. I think he owes me that.

— Suzi

Dear Suzi,

Yep, he kinda does owe you. More data about the virus, not about the breakup. It’s an important health issue, simple as that. Ask him point-blank. But nicely, non-accusingly. What does he have to lose? You’re already broken up. He may not offer much, but you’re totally allowed — encouraged — to ask. Also, I recommend you find a support or social group for like-virused people. You’d thought of that already, right? Please take care of yourself.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Making a mess on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

You must be the hardest-working superhero on the ‘Net. I’ve been reading your column for about three months now, and find what you have to say provocative and sensible. Here’s my big question: how does one deal with guilt? I need a little help.

Obscenely short fact roundup: G and I were engaged, but not particularly happily (you know: he asks you to marry him, then gets freaked out when you start thinking kids, house, future…) He started getting itchy feet, and wanted to break up (sow his wild oats, find someone with a body type ‘more his ideal’, the usual nonsense). So, I agreed, and we moved apart back in October.

I then (not having read BG’s website) broke a number of BG’s rules for breakups: it was long, slow, and messy. I was lonely, and depressed, and we spent far far too much time together. We also kept sleeping together sporadically, which was always followed by a few days of being utterly depressed to the point of it affecting my work and quality of life (thank you to my roommate for making sure that I ate!). All I wanted was to stay friends and to get on with my life (which I couldn’t do when we kept sleeping together). I had made it clear that we weren’t getting back together, but he kept saying that we weren’t and why couldn’t friends sleep together, etc. I wasn’t in a good space. (I should add that he was trying to date some woman in December, but it didn’t work out.)

(more…)

NOT letting go on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I know that I’m on your Breakup List and I wholeheartedly agree — and the deed was carried out a couple of weeks ago. We agreed to be friends and in an effort to “talk” (we estimated an hour) we ended up spending most of the day (and night) together — good idea…at the time. So in parting, we really let loose on the feelings while in an hour long embrace — I cried, he choked up — the whole 9 yards.

Well, I’d closed the chapter — not to look back ANYTIME SOON, when who appears at my office(almost missing me) we ran into each other as I’m getting off the elevator and he’s getting on. He was with a friend and I was with his sis (who I work with — tough to forget with her around). He says that he misses me and was going to call me the night before, etc. We all chit chat and sis and I go in the office. So on my desk is a note saying that he wished I was here, that he missed our talks, he was looking forward to seeing me, ending it with “Love…”. So, I call him later that night and we talk about how the last night together was great…..we get mushy and I tell him that if I didn’t talk to him before he went away again (extended period for work), that I hope that everything worked out, etc. We end the conversation with me saying that I still love him and he says “I love you — you know that,” not to mention him using all of his pet names for me, etc. He also says that he’ll write (which is something that he didn’t do before and a source of stress for me). He didn’t offer and I didn’t ask about his living arrangements or phone number or anything — I ended up not talking to him before he left and he’s gotten to where he was headed and I haven’t heard from yet either. I was definitely doing much better before he stopped by, now, I’m confused again, whereas before, I was quite happy with the way things ended. I guess that now, I’m deep down inside thinking that there’s a chance. I don’t know if he was just being cruel by being so nice so soon or if there is some chance somewhere down the line? By the way, in ending the phone call, he said to keep remembering the talk we had while clutching each other.. I’m VERY CONFUSED NOW.

— Barbie Doll

BG clears things up after the jump!

Dear Breakup Girl,

My fiance and I recently split. I did the deed, as he became at first distant, then emotionally abusive, then completely absent in body and soul. I’ve returned my wedding dress, sold my wedding ring (I paid for it, I can sell it), and am in therapy. So what’s my problem? He still lives in the building I’ve inhabited for nearly 14 years. We rented separate studio apartments, and when we were together, one was our bedroom, one our living area. He has no plans to leave the building. We no longer speak. I don’t know whether to leave, stay and get over him, or send hate mail. What would you do?

— Deborah

(more…)

The engagement is off on April 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I broke up with my fiance, whom I had been with for seven years, via letter last November. (Via letter because doing it face-to-face or by phone would have resulted in one of our world-famous knockdown dragout screaming battles… anyway, that’s not the issue.) After the breakup we sent letters back & forth for several months, each of which was progressively more hostile. He was mad at me and I had this sort of righteous indignation thing going on.

(more…)