Friendly warnings on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, this is the last (hopefully) installment in the Jo R. Heavy Opera Company’s production of “I love you, Come here; I hate you, Go away,” otherwise known as the Ring Cycle of Numbing Depression and Futility.

Quick recap: I met him 7 years ago; I was attached when he was single, then he got married when my relationship broke up; he claims his marriage is dreadful, and he’s been “on the verge of divorce” for 5 years now (I’ve never bought this, since he’s still married and they’ve had 2 kids). He and I have flirted heavily ever since we met, but never had sex. Two years ago he moved to Chicago; he started writing to me shortly after, always with the flirtation thing going on. In February he told me his marriage was definitely *over*, and I had said, “I’m so sorry but YIPPEE — when can I visit?” He then lapsed into complete silence for 3 months, at the end of which I wrote you to ask what I should do.

You put my name on the Breakuplist — although there was never an “up” to be broken in this case — and I wrote to him and told him that since he wasn’t interested, we should scotch all erotic impluses. After this brief recess, our amiable “what I did today” newsy e-mails continued; after all, we’ve been friends for years.

Last week, though, after I mentioned that I’m booked to give conference papers in Florida and Ann Arbor this fall, he asked if he could come. I promptly whipped back that he could *not* come, since when I’d suggested the same sort of thing he’d run like a hare, and told him that it was rude and unkind, when he didn’t want to sleep with me, to pretend that he did. He apologized abjectly and declared that we should simply forget about flirting, since he “valued our friendship so highly.”

(more…)

Paging Jerry Springer on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I urgently need some advice. You are the first person who can probably give me some kind of feedback on this very touchy subject. Last September, I was going out with a great guy, things happened and we split. Not even a week later, a friend that my ex introduced me to went into the store that my mother owns and professed his love for me. He is very good looking, treats me like a queen, owns a very successful business…..What’s the problem, you say. Well he does has one major flaw, he’s married with 2 kids. Not by choice, I can tell you that. They don’t get along, they argue all the time, she doesn’t appreciate him. I know, I know, that no one should ever get involved with a married man because he is a liar and a cheat. But he is soooo different. His wife went away last week and we were so together and so happy. We have been together since March and we have never argued. We both live in a very small town (700 people) and I’m sure people are talking. I haven’t gotten involved with any other man and believe me there have been some very close calls. He got quite upset at me last week because I kissed an ex of mine. Obviously, he gets very jealous for some reason. We have professed our love for each other. I was supposed to move away for a really good job and I pretty much had it if I would have went down. When he found out, he cried and pleaded to me not to go. Then hired me as his secretary. What is going on in his head? I don’t understand it at all. Things wouldn’t be so bad if we hadn’t made love, but we have quite a few times. I have fallen in love with him and I am so scared that I will be the one who is hurt…again. Maybe I deserve it. He puts me up on a pedestal, unfortunately, his wife is holding it. Isn’t he scared that I might be like one of those psychos like on Jerry Springer that might go tell his wife of the affair? But in my opinion, I shouldn’t be the one to say a word. I really need your help Breakup Girl! I will really appreciate it. Thanks again.

— Emotionally Hungover

BG gets real after the jump!

Spinning her wheels on March 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been dating a guy for five months and the first three weeks were great…until he bought a racecar. My concern is that he’s still legally married but separated physically from his wife. He’s said that he was going to court the end of January for a divorce and to this day hasn’t. Are things too comfy for him? Why hasn’t he divorced yet? By the way, his wife is pregnant by the man she’s living with. What’s keeping my boyfriend from getting divorced? He had that intention before we got together.

–Torn and Confused

Dear Torn,

You know how when you’re confused and upset, you go and buy an excellent pair of shoes, or a pony, and you feel a little better? Well, that’s kind of the deal with this racecar … except this guy seems to think that having the race car actually means that all his midlife problems are sorted out. And I’m also worried that for the last five months (minus three weeks) you seem to have fallen for it, too. Leave him spinning his wheels in his new toy; ride off into the sunset with your new Manolos. Alone.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Telling it like it should be on January 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am a married woman in love with a married man. Do you think married people have the right to be in love with someone else? I never want to cheat on my husband, but I am very in love with the other man. Please help.

–Nano

 
Dear Nano,

Do married people have the right to be in love with someone else? Yeah. And the KKK has the right to march, and Hanson has the right to sing. These “rights” are principles; they don’t mean that nobody gets hurt. You’re doing your best to be noble, but clearly something is amiss. The question you really should be asking is: “Where did I write the number of that marriage counselor?”

Love,
Breakup Girl