A long way from home on November 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

OK, my girlfriend and I have been together for close to 3 years. This fall, I had to go to Europe (work- related) for a few months, which I figured would be no big deal. I’ve been in long distance relationships before, and was convinced that this one wouldn’t be a problem, no second-guessing, no fear of cheating, etc., because I felt like this realationship was a lot more mature and a lot more stable than any of my previous ones. We had spent even more time together than usual before I left and I felt really confident about getting through this time apart with no problems.

The problem is this: even with the possibility of email, my girlfriend has pretty much stopped writing me. I’ve been very considerate and sent long sappy letters, postcards, packages, you name it, to let her know that I really miss her. But in two months, I’ve gotten two letters that she could just as well have written to her grandma, and then one of those “I’ve been thinking a lot while you’ve been gone” type of letters. I mean, I’m getting ZERO emotional support, and the only real letter she’s sent me was as close to a “Dear John” letter as I’ve ever gotten.

Now, I know our relationship wasn’t perfect, but we had agreed that we were going to use the opportunity to think about things and then work on the few problem areas in our relationship when I got back. Before I left, everything felt fine. It seems now like she’s taken the opportunity to prep for dumping me instead, but I never even felt it coming.

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Pee-wee Herman always knew what to say. He never screwed up — he totally “meant to do that!” And there’s just no arguing with “I know you are but what am I!?”

Plus: if you exclaimed that you just love something, Pee-wee’d be all over it: “Well if you love it so much, why don’t you marry it?” In fact, in one episode of Pee-wee’s Playhouse, Pee-wee walked his own talk with a formal ceremony in which he wed a bowl of fruit salad. (What to give the happy couple for their fourth anniversary?)

Well, on that why-dontcha-marry-it tip, one woman may have Pee-wee beat. She became so enamored of the Berlin Wall after seeing “his” picture as a youth that she developed a childhood crush that eventually led to marriage. In her mind, at least. As the Telegraph reports, Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, 54, has finally come out about her “husband” and general attraction to inanimate objects (she prefers ’em long and slim, wouldn’t you know.) Apparently she and the Wall are quite loving and happy together, and have been for the past 29 years, which, it should be noted, is longer than most human-on-human marriages these days. But we just have to ask: is making conversation like talking to a … well, you know.