Cushioning the blow on January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
How do you tell a guy that there’s nothing between you without being too blunt?
— Schaefer

Dear Schaefer,
IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: Mean is bad, but blunt is fine. “Hey, I think you’re great, but as far as I’m concerned, there’s really nothing romantic between us. End of story, morning glory. Blunt (as opposed to harsh) is the cleanest, most respectful, most effective way to go.

Why? Let’s say you spent all night constructing an elaborate, sugar-coated, cushiony, Downy soft, April-fresh, “explanation” for the breakup (or for why you’re not interested). When you use it, you will get one of two results:

1) Your dis is so feathery-light that your ex-to-be will call you three hours later and say “Okay, have you had enough ‘space’ yet?” Or,

2) frankly, he or she will be offended by your patronizing and BS-ification, and may even write to Breakup Girl to share the ridiculous thing that you said. If you don’t believe me, read the next letter down.

Love,
Breakup Girl