Doing the math on February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a serious problem. I can’t stay interested in a guy for more than three weeks. This has led to many problems. It also results in many heartbreaks, for the guys. I realize this isn’t healthy and I appreciate your advice.

— Kilroy Wasn’t Here

Dear Kilroy,

I’m doing a little guesswork here, but let me just state that relationship time equivalencies are as follows: 3 months calendar time = 3 weeks high school time. This, therefore, is normal.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Repeating themselves on December 29, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,

For two years in a row I have been dumped on December 1 (true fact). Do you think the secret for me is to find love is to skip town next time 12/1 comes around?

–Dumped in December

Dear Dumped in December,

Skipping town will not help. December 1 is recognized – internationally and historically – as (and here’s Breakup Girl’s positive spin) a day of independence.

On that day in history:
(1640) Portugal regains independence after 60 years of Spanish rule
(1821) Santo Domingo (Dominican Republic) declares independence from Spain
(1918) Iceland becomes independent state under the Danish crown
(1973) Australia grants self-government to Papua New Guinea
(1978) President Carter more than doubles national park system size (“needed space”)
(1991) Ukrainian people vote for independence
(1997) Dumped in December writes to Breakup Girl

The best I can tell you is next time – and yeah, buddy, these things come in threes — check Any-Day-In History to determine how your breakup actually fits into a grand historical timeline. You might also find some solace in the fact that your ex shares a birthday with, say, Mussolini, or Charo.

Love,
Breakup Girl