Back to work on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here’s my dilemma: I moved to a horrible place in the midwest last year for the sake of Mr. Mediocre. Things ended a few months ago, and I’m getting ready to go back east where I belong. While I’ve been out here in the midwest, I’ve been a self-employed writer. So, now as I’m applying to jobs back east, the first question every interviewer asks me is “What brought you to the midwest?” From my resume, it’s obvious that I never had a regular job here, and that I had a good gig going back east before I left. So, how do I explain this move to a prospective employer? I can make a joke out of it pretty easily, but I find it hard to explain it in a way that helps a job interview (probably because it still hurts, and I’m sure that shows). So what do you, the Miss Manners of breakups, suggest I do?

— Tongue-Tied

BG’s answer after the jump!

I ask you, have times become so tough that this is what we have come to?

Q. How does a 45-year-old woman compete for a job with a 25-year-old in today’s fiercely competitive market?

A. With employment enhancement packages — including new boobs and body!

Aaaaand we quote, from an actual! press! release! received here at BG HQ promoting a “Job Fighter Package,” in which a Park Avenue plastic surgeon helps “men and women gain the edge on their competition with their new, cosmetically enhanced looks.” (Specifically, as we’re sure you noted, of their “boobs and body.”)

The release also plays bizarro matchmaker with industry and body part:

Are you trying to land a job in the finance industry? The eyes speak volumes about you — get an eye lift.

Looking for a job as an Executive Administrative Assistant? Consider a boob job and a butt lift to ensure you won’t be forgotten after the interview.

Eager to get back into the real estate game? Go for a face lift to get that fresh faced, polished look.

Hoping to get into PR? Just … don’t.