Cintra Wilson explores Tiffany & Co. with sharp ear, tart tongue:

I have always been mystified by Tiffany’s heart-shaped silver dog tags, worn on a choke chain, with the engraved instructions, “Please Return to Tiffany & Co.” This, I have always assumed, is precautionary: If your lady gets lost, someone will put her on a plane back to the jewelry store. In any case, they are hugely popular.

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If you haven’t been paying attention, Current TV, Al Gore’s user-generated news channel (“cable access for wonks”), has begun interrupting its endless stream of QuickTime clips with something called “tv programs” — so last century! Not that we’re complaining; One such foray into less-new media is infoMania, a collection of satirical bits by regular contributors (Daily Show-meets-YouTube) which has given us the lovely Sarah Haskins. Her Target Women series skewers how the media reaches out to women, and her newest target is holiday Jewelry commercials:

There’s nothing that says “I love you” to a woman like a diamond. Nope, not even the words “I love you.”

First we heard about ExBoyfriendJewelry.com. Now we hear, via the Boston Globe, that both online and off, sales of emotionally-tarnished gewgaws have actually created a mini “ex-boyfriend economy” unto itself. Helping fuel the reportedly “unprecedented assault on jewelry boxes and dresser drawers,” apparently, are the currently “record prices for precious metals.”

I have a box, not exactly FULLfull, but containing quite a few once-shiny little items from exes. What better way to underwrite the cost of that strappy little dress I have my eye on! (Then again, those wee baubles from “Roger” will go perfectly with it, so I’ll at least have to hang on to them…)

Via BG’s alter ego at Broadsheet:

What to do with that old engagement ring? You know, after you whip it at your lying, cheating ex-fiancé?

Keepsake? Yeah, right. EBay? So impersonal. Pirates? That’ll only do more damage.

Now, as today’s New York Times reports, there may be a more appealing option: an auction site called ExBoyfriendJewelry.com (tag line: “You don’t want it. He can’t have it back”).

At first glance, I cringed. After all, I consider most public expressions of us vs. him (or her) anti-ex bitterness to be inelegant, tacky, TMI. That said, I will also give a pass to just about anything with real humor and heart. And this site, I must admit (which is not hetero-only), has inspired some gems of poignant free verse.

The description for some Celtic knot earrings: “At some point, he began to take fabulous trips to Ireland. Without me.” For an engagement ring and wedding band: “Hey, Mom and Dad. Remember that time I got married really young?” (Her offer: “I can’t pay you back for the wedding, but I’ll split whatever I get for these with you.”) For an emerald ring, this novella: “It was 1989 on Long Island. Poison and Paula Abdul were battling for the top billboard spots. He was 19, drove a white honda crx and rocked skidz; I smoked marlboro lights and lied about my age of 14. We fell in love over whoppers and the run dmc that pumped out of his ridiculously large speakers. When he bought me this emerald and diamond ring from Sears, it was probably the single best thing that had ever happened to me. I wore it all up and down that high school with pride. But soon enough, it was time to trade my gold for silver as the 80s gave way to the 90s. I got into Nirvana and Ani DiFranco and it was clear that an ocean of Drakkar Noir lay between us.”

And, for some clip-on earrings: “Clip ons. Clip ons!”

There’s also an area of the site for “Gifts That Should Have Been Jewelry.”

I see just one pitfall, really: the perhaps inevitable description reading “I dumped him because he bought my engagement ring used from this site!”