Feeling left out August 10, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My husband Dylan and I have been married for about a year and a half, and so far it’s been great…except when his friend Alex comes to visit. Alex lives out of town, and will occasionally spend a couple of days with us. I like Alex, and we get along fine; the problem is that when he’s here, Dylan tends to completely ignore me. The two will spend the WHOLE TIME playing video games, or watching TV shows I don’t like. Dylan will barely talk to me. Now, I can understand his wanting to do a little male bonding; I like to hang out with only my women friends sometimes. But I start to feel, well, darned lonely after a whole weekend of this. Even though our hobbies don’t completely coincide, Dylan and I are usually very interested in what the other is doing (he comes to my hockey games, I go to his wrestling matches, etc.), and it seems like he doesn’t even care what I do when Alex is here. I’ve tried suggesting things that the three of us would enjoy doing together, but no soap. I’ve been a tad reluctant to talk to Dylan about this, because I kind of feel like I’m being selfish and possessive (“You’re MY husband, and you have to spend ALL your time with ME!”). Do you have any ideas on how I could deal with this?

— ED

Dear ED,

Um, it actually kind of does sound like you’re being selfish and possessive. Unless there’s something you’re not telling me, you guys have (a) a good time together except for a weekend here and there, and (b) hobbies you enjoy on your own. Next time, grab your hockey bag, wave jauntily, and tell them you’ll see them when you see them.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Dear Breakup Girl,

Is it true? Do guys inherently need to behave like imbeciles from time to time? I have been dating a guy for a month now; he’s 38, I am 25. The age difference is not the problem; he frequently attests to the fact that emotionally I am still light years ahead of him and, sadly, this is true. Regardless, we met through a mutual friend and have been dating steadily since. Daily phone calls, a few lunches and at least two movie/dinners a week plus weekends doing outdoorsy things together. Early dating bliss.

This weekend, however, he bought a new motorized water toy of some sort and took off with “the boys” for the weekend to test it out EVEN THOUGH he said he would call me and we would go out Saturday night. As I type, it is Sunday evening and I have not heard WORD ONE from him; he’d better hope he is lying in the hospital with a broken something or other or I am going to break it for him when I do hear from him.

Why on earth do they do this? I thought I was out of the red zone by dating a guy who was going through fraternity rush when I was in kindergarten, but apparently the problem is endemic and some men are simply resigned to the fact that they must take off from time to time like a pack of dogs chasing after cars they have no intention of driving.

Please advise.

— The Real McBeal

Dear RMB,

Eeaaaaasy, Ally. If he said he would call, then yeah, he probably should have called. BUT. Assuming he and his buds are not out there lipsynching to The Go-Go’s “Vacation” video, it is no more GUY behavior to take a weekend at sea with the boys than it is GIRL behavior to get all huffy about it. And to thus rush to judgment about men as a gender. And I do mean rush: it’s been a month. No time for his behavior to become a pattern. Or yours. Don’t let it.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published on August 3, 1998…

Speaking truth to loser on May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Help me, I want to get revenge at my ex-boyfriend, because he broke up with me and then he told everybody some stuff about me that’s totally untrue. Now I’m SO angry at him and want to do something that makes him feel really bad. Do you think I should ignore him (be cold) or should I tell him that I don’t accept that he’s running around telling lies? One thing he doesn’t know is that some of his friends are on my side. That feels really good, but it would’ve been better if he knew that, too. I don’t know how to get revenge so please help me!

— Matilda

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Signs of trouble on April 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating this guy now for one and a half years as of tomorrow. I am truly in love with him and my heart aches when we are away from each other. The one problem is that it seems that he doesn’t have the same feelings anymore. He feels that we should treasure the time we have together no matter if it is with his friends (which it always is) or on the phone for ten minutes. I do not consider this quality time. He feels that he needs time with his friends (which he does) but he spends every night of the week from way before I get there to after I leave. On the weekends his friends are always there. Day and night, I have no idea when he gets to sleep. In order for us to have sex we have to go to his room where his friends are on the other side of the wall and can hear everything that is going on.

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