Moving … on, July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently moved to Philly to be with my long distance boyfriend. We were “madly in love” and he was telling everyone (including me) he was ready to marry me. So I hopped in my car and moved out. All at once things changed–no big surprise–but he started pushing me away and “flexing his freedom muscles.” Eventually, the relationship could handle no more and so we broke it off. Now, almost two months later, he wants to be friends, but I am having a terrible time. I still love him dearly, but I am still hurt and I can’t stop second guessing myself. I want to move on, but I don’t want him completely out of my life–he’s just too special. How do I do this? Feel comfortable, relax and just be willing to have a good time with him on a platonic frienship level?

— Lorien

Dear Lorien,

Well, Philadelphia is the City of Brotherly Love. Which bodes better for the platonic part than the “madly” part. (Also, Conde Nast Traveler Magazine rated Philadelphia America’s FRIENDLIEST City. Uh oh. Word to the wise: try and relocate to places with slogans more like “…is for Lovers.”)

But look, if you’re not ready to hang out with him, you’re not ready. If it smarts too much now, then give yourself a little more time to keep your distance; it doesn’t mean he’ll always be “out of your life.” I mean, we’re friends with England again, but it took a while.

Speaking of which, did he really say “flexing his freedom muscles?” Euw. He may have taken the tour of Independence Hall one too many times.

Love,
Breakup Girl

With a side of “men=pigs” (sic). From Samhita at Feministing:

The endless obsession with how women are going to die alone because they have brains and casual sex [and “post-feminist” “freedom” –BG] has truly become the gift that keeps on giving. Mix one part college student sample, a few scattered inconsistent findings based on loosely correlated “evidence,” sweeping generalizations reinforcing female anxiety around mating and some slut-shaming for good measure and voila, you have yourself “relationship advice” from a “doctor.” The CNN health blog writes about a new book, Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate, and Think about Marrying, by none other than “get married early” Mark Regenerus and sociologist Jeremy Ueker.

CNN concludes from a precursory look at the book men have the upper hand in the sexual economy. This is not  because women are judged based on their promiscuity or lack thereof in a way that men rarely are or because men face pressure to have casual sex like a stud and deny their romantic feelings for relationships. Or because when you are a woman between 18-23 male attention and the desire to “be in a relaysh” has more impact on your self esteem then say when you are a 30-somethinger like me. Or maybe because by 23, you still don’t know what you want out of a relationship. No, no, men have the upper hand in sex and dating because women have too much freedom, sex and education. [See CNN file photo w/article, left, of young woman relishing her freedom.]

[CNN:] Researchers found that since women in the 18- to 23-year-old group feel they don’t need men for financial dependence, many of them feel they can play around with multiple partners without consequence, and that the early 20s isn’t the time to have a serious relationship. But eventually, they do come to want a real, lasting relationship. The problem is that there will still be women who will have sex readily without commitment, and since men know this, fewer of them are willing to go steady. [Go steady? – BG]

“Women have plenty of freedom, but freedom does not translate easily into getting what you want,” Regnerus said. [“So maybe you don’t need it so much. At least not if you want a man.” — BG]

Though it’s not based entirely on fiction, it’s rife with unexamined assumptions. Bottom line, if women no longer need men then why would they be competing for men? Feh.

Bonus: Good stuff on men being humans! With feelings! here.