I’m a sixteen-year-old girl who had been in a relationship for 1 and half years with my “first love.” First I’ll tell you a little about our relationship. I meet him my first day of high school (he’s a year older). He was the sweetest person in the world. I was the total b*tch. He tried everything to win my heart. We became very close friends and he never gave up the chase to win me over. Finally after denying to myself for 7 months that I also cared about him, we hooked up. The relationship has always been bumpy. Mainly because were two teenagers trying to find ourselves. See, he was a total nerd when I first met him. He let everyone walk all over him. Now he has totally changed his attitude and look. We have the same exact friends. We have only gone out on two dates out entire one-and–half-year relationship. We mainly just hang out with each other in a big group of our friends.
This past summer he totally changed. Started smoking pot every weekend, started pulling away from me. I’ve been a “bad girl” in the past. I’ve done my share drugs to see what it does to people. I’ve even had friends die because of their habits. But I learned my lesson and have stayed away from drugs, except for the occasional beer, shot, etc. Another thing is I’m in a really tough part of my life. I live with my mother, stepfather and my two half-brothers. My family has never lived in the same place for more than 3 years. Because of this, I don’t have many friends and I’m a really quiet shy person. I’ve spent the past five months going to doctors, having test done to figure out my ongoing health problems. My family lives in PA; the rest of our family lives in MN. My family is losing my grandmother to Alzheimer’s. And I still can’t get over my grandfather’s death, even though it was four years ago. I really need my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend) right now, but all he cares about is going out and partying. I know it’s his senior year but I really need him. See, I don’t really have any friends and he’s the pretty much the only person I can trust. But I don’t trust him when he gets high and goes out with his friends. WE had always hung out together and now he just wants to hang out with the boys. And that means going to parties where’s there’s drugs, and other girls. I guess I’m hurt that he doesn’t want to spend any more time with me. I know I’ve been a b*tch, but I have improved a lot. I don’t know what to do. He has always been my security and now he’s not there. Granted we’ve only been broken up for a week, but we’ve been broken up before. He always seems to come back, but now I don’t know if he is going to. It’s really hard to love someone so much and then all of a sudden they tell you that there’s nothing left anymore. He also has had a tough life. He works 11 hours a day during the summer and has to give his paycheck to his family. His mother is extremely strict and set in her ways. His family is pretty much poor because of a heavy debt. I know he is in the process of finding himself. I’ve also been his first kiss, first real girlfriend, etc. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so lost and all I need is him right now. I’m sorry for rambling on and on. Thank you for listening.
My problem is with my net friend of one year. I’m a 16 y/o girl and I feel so incredibly confused! My net friend, he lives across the country on the west side and I know that we’ll probably never meet until we’re older, providing that we still keep in touch. He and I are not into that whole net girlfriend and boyfriend thing which is what’s causing my confusion. Over the course of one year, I’ve started to like this boy so intensely that I’m scaring myself. I keep trying to tell myself that he’s not real, he’s just a name, but I can’t get myself to believe it. We don’t have a net romance thing going and I don’t want one. The prospect of us being more than just friends is always lingering over our heads and it makes me feel sad that I can’t be with him. He’s so special to me and I haven’t felt this way about anybody! I don’t know how it feels like to be in love with someone, but if it feels like this, then it’s heaven! It’s like he’s my soul mate!!! Should I tell him about how I feel about him? I’m afraid he’ll think I’m a freak and cut ties. For some reason this is making me feel very embarrassed and none of my real life friends know…nobody knows except me. Could this feeling of intense infatuation be partly because I am so inexperienced with boyfriends? I’ve never had one before. Also, I’m not the most popular kid on the block but I am well liked by my peers. I’m not painfully shy, or extremely introverted. I really want to meet this boy just to know whether he and I are compatible in real life but I get scared sometimes when we have nothing to talk about, that we’ll lose contact and we’ll never get the chance to meet. This person has changed me emotionally, has taught me so much about myself and has been there just like a real life friend has. But he’s not a real life friend!! and that’s what’s killing me inside. Please help me! Thanks a lot.
— Toula
Dear Toula,
You’re right about one thing, wrong about another. You’re right when you suggest that your “lack of experience” with boyfriends may intensify your infatuation. But Toula, you’re wrong when you say — though I know what you mean — that he’s not a real-life friend. If he has, as you say, changed you, taught you, been there for you, well, that’s plenty real enough for me. Enjoy, savor, and treasure what he has to offer, and you’ll be that much more ready for someone in the flesh.
I’ve tried writing to advice columns before, but not once have I seen/heard a response. I’m trying again, though, in hopes that you can help me out.
First of all, I’ll start by saying I’m a fifteen year old girl. A SHY fifteen year old girl. Before this year, I’ve never been kissed. Sure, I’ve gone out with guys before, but that was “kid stuff” and nothing happened.
Anyway, this year I met this guy, Greg. He was a senior, I was a freshman, but we were really alike, and immediately became friends. After a month or so, a mutual friend set us up. We started seeing each other soon after that.
One day I was over at his house, and we were watching a movie. Halfway through the movie, he leaned in for the “big kiss.” He had kissed me before, but they were just pecks. This time it was more than that. When I realized what was happening, I got nervous, and I was afraid I would do the wrong thing. In result, I pretty much messed up the whole kiss, and ruined the moment. I guess what made me nervous was the fact that I knew he had much more experience than I, and I didn’t want him to think of me as inexperienced. But because of that, I probably looked more inexperienced than I could have.
I am sixteen going on seventeen, and my only experience, really, with relationships, was an LDR that sorta faded away (he stopped emailing) until I realized (after 4 months!), with help from my best friend (an Angel!) that I needed closure, so I ended it. Then this summer I was going out with a guy (all of this is secret, of course, since my parents forbid even THINKING of guys That Way) who was perfect to me. Problem is, we’re heading off to different colleges. He broke up with me, kinda for that reason, and that’s cool. I felt REALLY bad for a few days, then sorta bad for two weeks, and now I’m kinda okay again. We became really close friends over the summer, and he — and I — would like to keep in contact after we head to college. You know, email, etc. He is special to me, as a friend, now (I realize the magic is gone now, Relationship-wise). He was my first a lot of stuff, from first REAL kiss (tongue) to … well, there’s a French word, demivierge. Most of it was a first for both of us. And I have no regrets. Is it impossible to really keep that kind of friendship going? I’m afraid it’ll be like the last time I tried to keep in contact with someone (LDR boy) — the gradual drifting away. Is that inevitable, or just my experience…? I’d appreciate a response.
Dear Breakup Girl (I do believe that is the traditional way of starting these letters),
I’m in a bit of a fix. While it may not be anything new to you, it’s still causing me emotional distress on levels I didn’t know existed. Here’s the setup:
I’m 16 years old, give or take a month or two. 5 months ago, I entered into my first relationship–an odd thing in this state of society (waiting until my age, that is), but i’ve always been waiting for the right person. Anyhow, five months ago, I asked this person (let’s just call her “Sherry,” since that sounds clever if you know her real name) if she would care to be with me. Remarkably enough, she accepted. And even more remarkably, things were almost perfect…we grew very close, very fast, and were practically inseparable. I recall meeting a new friend about a month and a half into this relationship, and her shock at how long we had been together…she figured we were at least at the 18 month mark. We even lived together for a brief period, and that worked out magically. About two months into the relationship (in fact, exactly two months) I came to the informed decision that this was truly something special, and that I was now willing to take our relationship one level higher…thus, I let her take my virginity away. Realize that this was a conscious decision that I made before the relationship began, and that she would have been more than willing to do this earlier on…I just wanted it to be something special. And it was.
I am almost 17 years old and my heart is breaking. I started seeing a guy about two months ago. We were friends for quite a while and we talked every night on the phone. One night, to my surprise, he asked me out. Of course I said yes. We decided to go out the upcoming weekend.
We ended up in the backseat making out pretty heavily. That was the first time that I had made out that heavily. I was in love. I remember saying”I love you,” and he said ” Katie, we just started going out.” I didn’t think much of it then. All of a sudden he said we had to go. On the way home he said he just wanted to be friends. It hurt so bad. He stopped calling me altogether and he talked about me to his friends. I am so hurt, it’s like he died or something. It’s been a while, but I still miss him so much. I just can’t understand. We shared everything together. These kind of things seem to happen to me a lot. I am not fat or ugly at all, but I just can’t understand what the hell I keep doing wrong. I need someone who I can talk to about these problems. Thank You!
Filed under: Psychology — posted by Rose @ 3:45 pm
Falling in love is kinda like coming down with a fever: it creeps up on you, makes the cheeks run red, and the best remedy for it is to spend lots and lots of time in bed (hummina hummina). Then the fever breaks. In fact, for a long time running scientific wisdom has been that the fever might run its course in a mere year; after that, it’s dunk yourself in an ice bath, get a pacemaker to calm those heart flutters, and settle into a more platonic, less charged life with lovey.
Now a new study suggests that for a lucky few, that bloodsugarsexmagik passion is more akin to a really, really fortunate case of herpes for which there is no cure.
“Brain scans have proved that a small number of couples can respond with as much passion after 20 years as most people exhibit only in the first flush of love. The findings overturn the conventional view that love and sexual desire peak at the start of a relationship and then decline as the years pass.”
Only about 10 percent of the couples studied were found to pump equal amounts of dopamine through their systems when shown a pic of their betrothed as they did a couple decades prior. The researchers dubbed these couples “swans” because swans mate for life, but I mean, gag me.
No word from the study on the why and how of all this, but this primer on how to pucker might prove helpful.
It’s New Year’s Eve and my ex-boyfriend and I are now 1,000 miles apart physically and emotionally. We have been apart for about a year now, but he was my first love, and I am finding it extremely difficult to get over him, especially with all the fond memories of the good times we had together. He really was awful to me — he lied just about every day and probably always had at least one girl on the side, and I know I didn’t and don’t deserve that, but I just can’t seem to get him out of my heart and mind. Do I crawl into bed and pull the covers all the way up over my head until I finally feel over him? Or do I catapult myself into the very frightening world of dating? I guess I just need someone to get me out of this awful funk. What should I do to move on once and for all?
–Funked-up in CT
Dear CT,
Some people say, “I just worry that I’ll never find anyone who treats me as well as he does.” You don’t have that problem. Crawl under the covers for one day. Then get out that catapult.
e-mail to a friend in need
From geek to freak on November 9, 1998…
Moving on, on 
