Sucking it up on November 20, 1998...

Dear Breakup Girl,

My ex-girlfriend is getting married. This upset me, BG. When I heard it, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Seriously.

Since we broke up about 1 1/2 years ago, I’ve been in touch with my ex in a very lite sense of the word. We had a little post-breakup flirtation that nearly destroyed me since I fell for her again and she didn’t fall for me. She never really gave a reason for our breaking up other than “a lack of a gut feeling…” which drove me crazy. So for the last year or so when we’ve chatted it’s been about my family and her job and things like that, not about whether we were dating or not. So the first I hear of this new guy in her life is that she’s marrying him.

She’s been seeing this guy 7 months and all I know about him is that his name and his age. She’s my age (34) and she’s marrying someone twenty years her senior. I use the word Senior intentionally. She’s moving in with the guy in a house they bought together (this was the girl who wouldn’t let me keep underwear at her place after a 2 1/2 year relationship–who says it’s just men who can’t commit)? It’s a lot to process and I’m not sure what to say other than I’m happy for her (which I’m not) and I wish them the best (which I don’t). Someday I’m sure I’ll grow into a mature state of acceptance but right now I feel like Dustin Hoffman at the end of the Graduate. Except I don’t have a convertible or attractive older women hitting on me.

What does one do in this situation? Help me, Breakup Girl Kenobi. You’re my only hope.

–Bummed Out Boy

BG’s solution after the jump!

Getting desperate on November 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am a 21 year old college student. I went out with this girl for about 3- 4 months, and before she went back to school she had broken up with me. We had planned on staying together for the summer, but much to my disappointment that didn’t happen. Things were good between us, up until about the last month, and I know that it was mostly my fault. I didn’t cheat on her or anything, but I disappointed her, and didn’t act the way I should have acted around her right before she was to go back home for the summer. She gave me her phone number back home before she went back. I talked to her a couple times, very briefly. I never brought up anything about our relationship when I talked to her, because I didn’t want to make her to get upset with me or anything. Well, time went on, and I called her a couple times and she started not to call back when she said she would. So I let it go, tried to forget about her. I have dated other people throughout the summer, and found myself not to be satisfied, and unhappy with what I was doing. I tried to forget about her as much as I could, but it just wasn’t working. So I decided to call her the other night, and she said she was on the phone long distance with her mom. True or false I dont know. She asked me if I was going to be home, and then said I’ll give you a call back. And now it has been 3 days and she hasn’t called back. So I think I get the picture — she really isn’t interested anymore. I just wish I had the chance to talk with her and let her know how I really feel about her. It has been a while since we have broke up, and I try and try to forget about her, and to date other girls, and that just doesn’t work. I cannot get her out of my heart, I really love her. And the thing was I never told her that, and i don’t know why. I just don’t know what to do anymore, now that she doesn’t call back or anything. I wish I could just let her know how I feel. My options are running on low, I really have no options but to try and forget about her. I just wish there could be some way I could get to have a conversation with her. And make it up to her if at all possible. I guess I should take the hint, but I love her and don’t know what to do. My last and final idea that I was pondering was just to send her a nice card, and just explain to her how I feel and all that kind of thing. And after that, if I get no response, then I guess I have to give up. If you can help me as to what to do I would appreciate it. All I ask for is another chance. I know that you will probably suggest that I give up, and take a hint as to what is going on. But any other advice would be very helpful. Thanks.

— Sean O.

Dear Sean,

Send the card, kiddo. But first read my letters to you guys about what not to expect.

Love,
Breakup Girl

A heroine fix from November 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This is hard. I dated a guy briefly, and it didn’t work out. He understands this, but beyond us, his life is crumbling. He accepted a corporate job in computers at age 20, and hasn’t been able to let go of his old lifestyle. His friends are all musicians, some of them the best, and he’s the odd man out/in. He’s their rational, their accomplisher, their answer man. HE feels bad leaving the party early, he feels dedicated to his job. Now let me explain where I come in:

I love this man, dearly. He’s beautiful, with eyes that’ll melt your heart. He’s super-smart, but in an off-beat, real-world way. He’s been ill (ulcers) to the point of almost dying. He’s a heroin junkie. You see, when we broke up, he decided that getting back together would be too much for me, and felt he would drag me down. He’s proceeded to isolate himself from his friends most of the time, and has been using copious amounts of drugs. He has the $$$ to keep it up; he has the stubborness to ignore the warnings. He’s the best thing that ever happened to most of the people I know, his company, and maybe even people who don’t know him yet. I can’t help feeling guilty watching him die off like this. It won’t be long. And he’s pushing everyone further and further away emotionally. Recently his ex killed herself, blaming him in the “final” note. He’s provided me with e-mail (owns the server), a place when I’m lonely, money when I’m short, and compassion when I need it, and I feel so helpless. I know his time is drawing near, if he doesn’t stop. But I can’t make him. The more I try the deeper he goes. Do I walk, or do I force him to help himself? If he dies, there will be a void in many people’s lives, mine included. I’m sorry this sounds so cluttered, but, those are my thoughts.

— Melissa

BG’s advice after the jump!

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn tries to help a Girl in one crazy situation. You see, there’s this co-worker she’s been flirting with, but now …

Complication #1: he just got promoted… to being my supervisor.

Ooof! But, wait, there’s another complication and it involves hacked email! Read all the juicy details — along with Lynn’s advice — at Happen, then comment below!

Picking the scab on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend of nearly 6 years broke up with me [nine months ago]…it was hard, but I’ve made good progress in putting my life back together. Except I found out a couple of days ago that he has a new serious girlfriend (they went to Antigua together). Now I can’t stop thinking about our breakup…this little bit of information has re-opened the whole emotional wound that had been healing. Do I just wait it out, knowing (somewhere in my logical brain) that the hurt will fade? I had been surfing through one of the personals sites linked to this site, but now I feel like maybe I’m not ready to meet someone new. Help!

— Just K

Dear K,

Antigua!? Of course you’re smarting. Which does NOT mean that you’re not healing. Surf on, dude.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Asked and answered on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I dated a guy for five months and spent basically 24/7 with him. We had a great relationship — in all ways that he even discussed me moving 300 miles away with him.

One day he says to me that he thinks that I want more out of this relationship (ie: marriage) and that it was over. Of course I was shocked and hurt and devestated, but I understood where he was coming from. He never got love and attention at home and wasn’t sure he could give it or even understand it. He says he would like to remain friends and could he call me. I agreed.

Now the problem. Every time we talk, the discussion seems to end up on sex. We did have a great sex life, but we haven’t been together that way in 5 months. I don’t know what he’s thinking. He talks to my friends about me and is constantly asking me if I’m dating.

I’ve told him that all of the above is none of his business but it continues. Should I just say “This is too much. You’re not acting like a friend — more like a jealous boyfriend! Which you’re not, and I can’t do this anymore!” or what? Help!!!

— Shannon

Dear Shannon,

That is exactly what you should say.

Love,
Breakup Girl

A long one from August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

It’s my first time on your website, and I think it’s great that people could write to someone and get some advice. (I found that my friends have given me pretty biased opinions about my situation!)

I went out with this guy for three, almost four years. We started going out when we were 15, which I realize now was too young. It ended pretty badly . We have broken up and gotten back together many times before. We actually broke up, but kept dragging the relationship on before we really went our separate ways. We had a really close relationship; there was nothing I could keep from him. He was my bestfriend. I lost my virginity to him and he lost his to me. We did everything together and we were inseparable. Towards the end, I had doubts about my feelings towards him. I started to have feelings for another guy that I was friends with. Basically, I ended up telling my boyfriend that I couldn’t see him anymore because of the other guy. He wasn’t too impressed. I wanted to be the one to tell him because people in my school always talked, and I figured it was only a matter of time before he heard. He yelled and cursed at me, and I ended up hanging up on him, bawling my head off. He kept trying to call me back, but I refused to talk to him. He dropped a letter off at my house an hour later.

(Two days before this happened we slept together and it was amazing. I guess he felt more for me than I did for him though) He wrote that he would always love me, but at the same time he would never resent anyone as much as he resented me for what I did. He really lost respect for me when I did what I did, and I fully understood that.

Anyway, I never ended up with that other guy because not too long after that I found out that I was pregnant. I come from a very Catholic and very strict family. There was no way I could keep the child considering the person I needed to be there hated me, and it was my own fault he did. I had to get an abortion and I did. Only one other person knew of this.

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Faking it on July 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This past weekend I went on a bike trip and met two other people, who, like me, were on the rebound. We ended up in a big discussion of the Ex-Files. I told them about my ex, and how we fixed up a couple who are getting married next year. I realize it’s a little early to flip out about this wedding, but I am already way nervous about it. Both people in the couple are really good friends of ours, and they have resolved or at least found a way to live with the issue we couldn’t deal with (religious differences). So it’s going to be scary.

My new-found friends semi-jokingly suggested that if I don’t have a date I really like by the time the wedding rolls around, I should appear on the arm of a tall, cute actor who can play the role of the kind of guy he would feel really overwhelmed next to (in this case, an academic with tenure and three published books would be great).

Question: is this good advice? I have already been joking that I may need a date, a hip flask, and possibly a straitjacket to survive this one (especially as I will probably be asked to do something during the ceremony, like read or sing). I am not in a big hurry to get involved with someone, so it is quite likely I will not be bringing my own date (someone of reasonable duration) to said wedding.

Would a fake date help?

— Reenie

Dear Reenie,

Nope. Bringing a fake date is way lamer than being The Diva Who Dared Come Alone. It is a “Coach” plot waiting to happen, without the nice clean wrap-up in 30 minutes.

Anyway, all of your “faking” energy will be channeled into holding your head high. But you — you, singular — can do it.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Another celebration on July 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I broke up with my girlfriend almost 3 months ago. The breakup had been building, I was tired of trying to fight through all the intimacy issues that she and I both had. I felt I couldn’t go it alone so I suggested counseling for us. That request was met with an emphatic “NO” from her. I felt like there was no other choice but to break up. Unlike other breakups I’ve had, this one was distinctly non-emotional — no tears, no calling back just to “hear your voice”, no heartfelt attempts at reconciliation. Just silence. And it’s been that way for three months. Two weeks ago it was her birthday. I decided to send a card, just to show that I didn’t hate her and that I do have some class. I didn’t get a response. All I wanted was a simple acknowledgement/thank you. So now I’m pissed. I still have some things of hers, and I’m wondering, should I send them? Or keep them and continue the road to recovery? I really want to be civil, but I’m angry, so I thought of including with the package a note letting her know how completely classless I think she is.

— Dane

Dear Dane,

Now do you see the point I was making to Wondering (about expecting a particular response, not about Ziggy)?

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Reestablishing contact on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

First off I love your page. It’s been a great help to me. Well, I broke up with my boyfriend in March (right after spring break). We really haven’t talked since then and I miss our friendship. Well his birthday is coming up in July and I don’t know if I should tell him Happy Birthday. Do I call him or do I send him a birthday card in the mail or do I even do anything at all? Would it be inappropiate for me to even do this at all? Will his family think less of me if I do or don’t? Please help me make my decision by the middle of July. What do I do?

— Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Actually, sending a birthday card sounds like a perfect way to make a small but nice move toward reconnecting platonically. I wouldn’t call, because if you haven’t talked at all, it might put him on the spot, and you don’t want to hang up the phone with an awkward echo in your ear.

About the card, though: don’t expect a response. I’m not saying he won’t give you one; I’m just saying don’t expect one. Or, to put it another way, don’t make the “success” of your venture contingent upon whether or not he calls you the minute he gets it to thank you for the card and lock of hair. You send it, it’s a nice thing to do, end of story. Oh, and forget about what his parents think, either way; God forbid they should be reading his mail or tallying his birthday correspondence. Finally, when you select the card, keep it simple and pleasant — do not make it MEAN anything — by following these basic guidelines: (1) no 2-layer cards with raised script and inspirational poetry, (2) no crass jokes, and (3) no Ziggy.

Love,
Breakup Girl