Yule regret staying with him on December 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend seems to get mad when I talk to other guys, but when I try to talk to him he kinda ignores me for his other friends and the only time he talks to me is when no one else is around. He can never go anywhere with me, but I am always the one to ask. I just wanna be free from him. Do you think I should break up with him? I was gonna dump him, but thought I would wait until after Christmas because otherwise both of our holidays will be bad. I don’t even want a present from him because then I’ll feel bad. What should I do? I’m so confused! Please help!

— Nicole

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Chickening out on January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
What if you know you need to break up with him, but you really don’t want to?
–Lyna

Dear Lyna,
Is everybody listening? Thanks, Lyna — Breakup Girl couldn’t have put the Dumper’s Dilemma better herself.

IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: “Because he’s there” is not a good enough reason to stay with a boyfriend (especially, you long-distance people, when he’s not). Nor is “because breaking up sucks.”

Breaking up does suck, you guys. That’s why I’m here. But trust me, feeling sad and yucky is better than feeling confused and stuck. The latter destroys brain cells, permanently. The former — unpleasant though it may be — is the first step of the heart’s healing process. But the longer you wait once you realize you need to do the deed, the longer that process is going to take.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Getting practical on January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
What about a long-distance breakup? Should you meet one last time to do it, or do it over the phone?
— Johan

Dear Johan,
How long is long? If you’re talking about, say, the distance between Minneapolis and St. Paul, face-to-face is kinder and gentler, allowing for meaningful handholding, forlorn looks, etc. But if she’s going to spend big bucks to jet from Chicago to Madagascar only to get dumped — or if you’re going to show up on her doorstep after an overnight journey, dump her, and then need a place to stay — I say dial those digits. Unless, of course, you think that the resulting phone bill will be roughtly equivalent to transatlantic airfare (first-class).
Love,
Breakup Girl

Having second thoughts on January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
If you do dump him, then realize it was a bad idea, how do you ask him back out without letting him think that he has you wrapped arounnd his finger?
— Just Curious

Dear Just Curious,
Here’s how: pick up the phone, dial all but one digit of his number, hang up the phone, and wait two weeks. Why? IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: having lingering feelings for an ex does not necessarily mean the breakup was a “bad idea.” It just means you kinda sorta miss someone that you had some good times with. If you really, rationally think that you want another chance (and you have at least two friends who endorse this decision), then after two weeks, you may actually call him and ask him out. Once. Casually. If he says no, let him go.
Love,
Breakup Girl

Broken up about breaking up from December 16, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
What do you suggest for someone who is dealing with the guilt of being the dumper, so they don’t go back to heal the broken heart?
— Scott

Dear Scott,
Splendid question. Breakup Girl has always fought for dump-ers’ rights — to make known the fact that while dumpees have to deal with rejection, loneliness, hurt, etc., dumpers have to deal with the fact that they started it. It’s a rotten feeling, especially in the case of those hideous gray-area, gut-feeling breakups where just because you don’t see yourselves together in forty years doesn’t mean you don’t care.

IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: No matter how much you care, you cannot be the one to help your ex through the breakup you caused.

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