Getting desperate on November 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am a 21 year old college student. I went out with this girl for about 3- 4 months, and before she went back to school she had broken up with me. We had planned on staying together for the summer, but much to my disappointment that didn’t happen. Things were good between us, up until about the last month, and I know that it was mostly my fault. I didn’t cheat on her or anything, but I disappointed her, and didn’t act the way I should have acted around her right before she was to go back home for the summer. She gave me her phone number back home before she went back. I talked to her a couple times, very briefly. I never brought up anything about our relationship when I talked to her, because I didn’t want to make her to get upset with me or anything. Well, time went on, and I called her a couple times and she started not to call back when she said she would. So I let it go, tried to forget about her. I have dated other people throughout the summer, and found myself not to be satisfied, and unhappy with what I was doing. I tried to forget about her as much as I could, but it just wasn’t working. So I decided to call her the other night, and she said she was on the phone long distance with her mom. True or false I dont know. She asked me if I was going to be home, and then said I’ll give you a call back. And now it has been 3 days and she hasn’t called back. So I think I get the picture — she really isn’t interested anymore. I just wish I had the chance to talk with her and let her know how I really feel about her. It has been a while since we have broke up, and I try and try to forget about her, and to date other girls, and that just doesn’t work. I cannot get her out of my heart, I really love her. And the thing was I never told her that, and i don’t know why. I just don’t know what to do anymore, now that she doesn’t call back or anything. I wish I could just let her know how I feel. My options are running on low, I really have no options but to try and forget about her. I just wish there could be some way I could get to have a conversation with her. And make it up to her if at all possible. I guess I should take the hint, but I love her and don’t know what to do. My last and final idea that I was pondering was just to send her a nice card, and just explain to her how I feel and all that kind of thing. And after that, if I get no response, then I guess I have to give up. If you can help me as to what to do I would appreciate it. All I ask for is another chance. I know that you will probably suggest that I give up, and take a hint as to what is going on. But any other advice would be very helpful. Thanks.

— Sean O.

Dear Sean,

Send the card, kiddo. But first read my letters to you guys about what not to expect.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Getting a second opinion on October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

It started about four months ago. I met a wonderful guy who I thought would be the ONE. I wasn’t really looking at the time for anyone serious. Things started out fast and furious. Spent all of our time together and never fought. Two months into the relationship I mysteriously contract the Herpes virus. He tells me he doesn’t have it and also that it won’t interfere with the relationship. Soon after he starts to become distant. I really don’t think anything of it, thinking he just has some added stress. We continue on a healthy path for another month. Then 4 days ago he breaks up with me because (1) he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. He just wants to be “alone”. He had been alone for 2 years before meeting me. And (2) he isn’t sure that he can handle the Herpes thing anymore. I know that I am better off without someone who can’t deal with the virus, but don’t you think he owes me an explanation about why he suddenly changed his mind. I also would really like to know if he lied to me all along about whether or not he had the virus. I think he owes me that.

— Suzi

Dear Suzi,

Yep, he kinda does owe you. More data about the virus, not about the breakup. It’s an important health issue, simple as that. Ask him point-blank. But nicely, non-accusingly. What does he have to lose? You’re already broken up. He may not offer much, but you’re totally allowed — encouraged — to ask. Also, I recommend you find a support or social group for like-virused people. You’d thought of that already, right? Please take care of yourself.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Sorting it out on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend and I broke up five weeks ago, after a little over a year. Mostly he broke up with me, but I sort of put myself in the way of it, too.

Tensions had been building for a few months. I was really in love, and it was pretty painful to be “too serious” with an otherwise wonderful, lovable guy who would every now and then begin talking about his fantasy around-the-world solo adventure, complete with sex and the exotic, unknown foreign woman. You can see how that might bother me.

He was a great guy in most ways, but when they talk about the “Seinfeld phenomenon” of men who don’t want to grow up…well, that was this guy, I think. Really nice, really smart, really sensitive and sensual…and really afraid of settling down and being in love with a great, gainfully employed, attractive, healthy woman who wants a life with someone. Why, he might miss out on a one-night stand with another one of the addictive-personality emotional train wrecks he dated before he met me…OK, I’m a little bitter.

Now, I miss him like hell.

(more…)

Needing to talk on August 10, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

First of all, I am only 15. Which might make my problem less significant, but I am going to go ahead and tell you anyway.

My boyfriend of 6 months (who is 17 years old) just broke up with me. Needless to say, my heart is shattered. The fact that he proposed to me makes it even worse. I think he broke up with me because other things became more important. I don’t know what to do. Shortly after we broke up I discovered that I was pregnant. I miscarried. But now I can’t seem to get in touch with him. My question is, should I tell him that I was pregnant? Also when I saw him one day shortly after the breakup he told me he still loved me but he wanted to wait till I turned sixteen before we got back together. I think that is an influence from his Mom. The thing is I still love him so much. I have had offers from other guys but I feel if I go out with some one else I am betraying him in some odd way. Why? I am so confused. I want to contact him but is it wrong to make contact with him before he even tries to get in touch with me? I feel like I can’t put this whole thing to rest unless I discuss my feelings with him in private. We haven’t had a discussion more than 5 minutes long in the whole time since we broke up.

I hope I didn’t confuse you too bad, Breakup Girl. Please help me!

— Confused

BG’s response after the jump!

Resisting the urge on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend dumped me about two weeks ago because “it wasn’t working out.” Then I found out that he cheated on me and then lied about it to my face. So why do I still miss him when he’s the one who treated me like crap? Shouldn’t I be glad that he’s out of my life? Instead, I’m on the verge of begging him to come back. WHY?????

— Karen

Dear Karen,

STOP:

1 – even considering begging him to come back

2 – thinking that you’re a freak for even considering begging him to come back.

It seems weird, but it’s normal. Wanting him back — at least in theory — is not necessarily about stooping to his level; it may also be about regaining the upper hand. It’s like, things didn’t turn out the way you’d planned; you want to be the one to call, “Uh-uh, DO-OVER!” You want the last word.

This is BG’s empowering interpretation. of your feelings. Use it instead of the one where you’re thinking “Maybe he wouldn’t cheat and lie if I do something differently next time.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

Predicament of the Week from June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

After three years together and two years of friendship my girlfriend broke up with me…over the phone. She informed me that she did not want a relationship and then refused to talk to me about it because she was late for a movie! I tried calling her later that evening and once more she refused to talk about the breakup, only saying she enjoyed being single, and hung up on me. A few days later she sent me an e-mail saying that she never said goodbye and that she needed time; our time together, she went on, was important to her, and she would never give up all the gifts and stuffed toys I had given her over the years. She told me she would call me on Thursday — well, Thursday came and went and she did not call. I worried, so I called her and her first words were, “I’m going out with someone else now and there is no chance of us getting back together.”

It only gets worse after the jump…

Offering “hjlelp” on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Jeg er 22 ar og trenger noen a kose med. Kjaeresten min har forlatt meg, og jeg lurer pa hva jeg kan gjore for a bli atrakktiv igjen. Er det noe galt med meg! Gi meg noen tips. Venter spent pa svar. HJLELP MEG. Koz og nuzz fra …

— Heidi

[“I am longing for someone to be with. My beloved has left me and I am wondering what I can do to make myself attractive again. Is there something wrong with me? Give some advice. Waiting anxiously for a response. HELP ME. Kisses and hugs from Heidi.”]

Dear Heidi,

You do not stop being attractive just because someone leaves you. Well, maybe for the first day or two you look kind of hideous. But no, there is nothing to “do” to “make” yourself more attractive. And no, there is nothing wrong with you. There was — and this is very different — something wrong (who knows what) with the combination of your “beloved” and you. And also, just for the record, something a little funny about your assumption that everyone speaks Norwegian.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Eternal questions from May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My “boyfriend.” who is/was 32, whereas I am 44, has essentially broken up with me. I, however, find that subsequently, his attractiveness and desirability are increasing exponentially with his condescending and sarcastic behavior. How sick am I? How can I get well?

–Catherine

Dear Catherine,

How many cliches do you want? The grass is always greener, you want what you can’t have, yadda, yadda, yadda. Or, to give it a more highfalutin psychological spin, it’s all about avoiding cognitive dissonance: the more Gingrichian his disposition, the more firmly and desperately you cling — at least in your imagination/memory — to days gone by, when he actually was attractive and desirable. No matter what, it’s a normal breakup response, not a symptom of illness. The secret to “getting well,” such as it is, is to not act on these seemingly sick feelings. Take a chill and call me — not him! — in the morning.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Cinco de Lame-o falls on April 27, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

A while ago, I was dumped, the same old excuse (“I’d just rather be friends”). Well, I’m still heartbroken, and the crappy thing is that while I’m mourning at home, he’s in Mexico having the time of his life. But back to the subject. I feel like if I go out with someone now, he will be mad at me, and he means a lot to me. What do you think I should do? I don’t want to be hated, but I don’t want to be single.

— Karen

(more…)

Caring too much on March 30, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My live-in boyfriend (who’s 30, I’m 41) of three and a half years told me he wanted to ‘just be friends’ this past September. I moved out. He got engaged New Year’s Eve to a woman (she’s 29) with whom he had a brief fling in college and has heard from or had visit him a couple times a year for the past nine years (each time they met, she was all over him like the proverbial cheap suit). They are to be married in May. I have two questions. Will this marriage work? and Why do I still care?

— Patton

Dear Patton,

Why do you care? Of course you care. Are you kidding me? Even Breakup Girl cares, and she doesn’t even know these people. Dumped you in September, engaged in December?! Yeesh. All I can say is, she may have been all over him like a cheap suit, but oddly enough — as the genuine-article fashion zombies from the 70s and 80s attest — sometimes it’s the cheap ones that last.So this thing could be a flimsy rebound, or it could be some solid perma-crease that somehow never got ironed out. Or, gulp, it could be an age thing. So I don’t know if it’s going to last or not, but I do know that you’re not allowed to obsess about it. Write to Breakup Girl, speculate with your friends — but I can trust you not to pull any “I must stop the wedding” Julia Roberts antics, right? Buy your bad self a pricey suit and find some gent who doesn’t have his past mixed up with his future.

Love,
Breakup Girl