Dear Breakup Girl,

My live-in boyfriend of nearly two years dumped two days ago. To add to the joy and pleasure, I am studying for a semester a 20-hour drive away from my home and from anyone I can set up a coffee date with to b*tch and moan. Yesterday, I told my mom that we were “reassessing our relationship.” You know what her response was? “Whose idea was it?” I told her, “I don’t think I need to share that information.”

Let me also point out that the woman has a history of giving me love advice with the basic theme of “If only you (were more assertive, plucked your eyebrows, took a step aerobics class), you wouldn’t be having these problems, you would be having the time of your life on your honeymoon and then you’d provide me with some grandchildren already!” I once went out with a guy who drank *while he was driving*, and you know what her response was? Not, “I’m so glad that you were so smart and take such good care of yourself that you realize you don’t need an addict in your life,” but “Why aren’t you still going out with Al?”

I can see what’s going to happen — I’m going to cut off communications on the subject, and she’s going to get all hurt and ask me why I don’t confide in her anymore. (Or — and this shows you what a marvelously healthy family *I* come from — she’ll ask my sister why I’m not willing to confide in her.) What to do?

— SC

P.S. I’m 33 and this is the first long-term relationship I’ve had, which means there was mucho pressure from her to formalize and get started on the next generation. Her sister, with whom she is intensely competitive, has 4 lovely granddaughters already. And a son-in-law who’s an investment banker.

BG’s response after the jump!

Coded messages from October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I don’t know what to do. My girlfriend of a year and a half has just abruptly left me. I had not been able to contact her in about 4 days due to conflicts with my work and school. Finally I get a hold of her, and she just drops a bomb on me. “I want to see other people” and “I need to find myself;” furthermore, she is already dating someone else without even contacting me to initiate a breakup. This just came from nowhere! I broke down at work, my life was shattered. I begged her for explanations, and none were offered. I don’t know why she has done this.

We met when she was a junior and I was a senior in high school. I helped pull her out of a deep depression created two years prior by a previous boyfriend who date raped her. She had dated no one since, and she reclaimed her virginity for those two years. Yet she was always downcast, antisocial, and she wrote the darkest poetry, which she shared with me. One day in our Physics class, I sensed her pain and all I did was extend my hand. I’ve never understood why, but she responded by placing hers in mind. We later spent many nights talking and crying. I felt her every emotion, I could truly empathize. We entered a relationship, and soon we fell in love. I have always feared that as I’ve watched her heal, grow, recover, and mature, that she would one day be strong enough to move on. I feared that I was just some kind of tool to get her out of depression and to a point in her life that she no longer needed my help and companionship. This past Sunday has seemed to confirm my most haunting thought.

But everything seemed so perfect with her. We shared so much and bonded in so many ways. The only thing that ever strained our love was distance. I went away to a college about 2 hours away (which isn’t so far that things should just end). We survived a whole year of commuting and staying committed, and staying in love. She graduated and enrolled in a college near her home so she could keep her job and live at home. With me still going to school 2 hours away, it seemed understood that we would continue the long distance relationship.

But something has happened, and I haven’t a clue what that something might be. (more…)

Blindsided on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently ended a relationship with my girlfriend of four years. Things were always pretty damned good and I was happy with us, and she told me she was always happy with us. I mean I knew this girl inside and out, I always knew what she was thinking. I thought, “Hey cool. She’s the one for me. I found her. I’m a lucky one.” A couple of weeks ago we spent some time apart. She went off to the beach with three of her friends. Before she left we kissed and hugged and told each other how much we loved one another. When she got back, I was oh so excited to see her, but instead I got, “Ummm… we gotta talk.”

Yada yada yada. She broke up with me, and she took it pretty damn well. Didn’t even shed a tear. I was crushed. I vomited for days. Couldn’t eat a thing. Couldn’t sleep. My girl that went down to the beach was a complete 180 from the girl that came back. I still haven’t gotten any closure to the whole thing. Her reasons for the break-up were pretty vague. And this isn’t one of your “let’s separate and in the future who knows.” kind of break-ups. It was a “We will never be together ever again but we can still be good friends” kind of break-up.

I’ve been going through all the stages. The desperate “why oh why” stage. Then the denial stage. Then the anger stage, and so on and so forth. Now I’m just plainly at the “Huh?” stage. I have at least three friends who have had a similar experience and they have friends with the same experiences. To this day they are all still dumbfounded.

My questions are:

1) What is this “phenomonon” where the girl wakes up one day and her mind is completely changed without any warning? You’re a girl. Explain this to me.

2) Just as an aside, FOUR YEARS! I know, I know, “Better four than ten.” But what if I get into another relationship like this and I waste another four-plus years of my life?

— Totally Bewildered

BG’s answers after the jump!

Better off on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Im 13 and probably about 10 pounds over weight. I was going out with this guy when i gained the weight, than he dumped me because he said I was too fat! But like the next week he started dating this other girl who (no offense) is a lot “bigger” than me. So when ( and if ) i lose the weight should I try to make up with him or just drop it?

— A Little Over the Top

Dear Little,

Drop it. The boy, not the weight.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Motherly advice on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a son that has been dumped after a 3 1/2 year relationship. He is a total basket case, almost suicidal and drinking HEAVILY. If he continues trying to drown his sorrow, he’ll turn into an alcoholic. How, as a mother, can I help him????

— Polly

Dear Polly,

Go, Mom! Excellent question. Over to you, Belleruth: “What you should do depends on whether he lives at home or not and how long this is going on and how bad the drinking really is. If he’s at home and it’s been going on for a long time, then it’s definitely your business, cause if he’s with you, his moods, habits and behavior affect you directly. It might even be useful to him for you to tell him to shape up and get a grip, cause he’s driving you nuts and you’re tired of tripping over beer cans and trying to keep your mood up in the face of such perpetual, unmitigated anguish. If the drinking is out of control and he lives at home you can tell him to stop, get help or get out. If it’s only been a few weeks, you can listen, make encouraging little noises, occasionally suggest something helpful, like “Why not go out and make believe you’re not miserable for a coupla hours… maybe you’ll even wind up having a halfway decent time…” etc etc., and when his friends call, you could even occasionally intervene, as in: ‘Yo, Bob, take him out, will ya? He’s turning into eggplant parmesan on that sofa.’ And if it’s been a really long time and nothing is changing, you might want to suggest AA, therapy, a support group, etc. for him, or try Al-Anon for yourself — or at least see a drug/alcohol counselor and get a professional evaluation on how bad it is and what you can do. Otherwise the best — and most difficult — thing a mom can do is take deep breaths and try not to die a thousand deaths while watching the kid suffer, wish him well, and know that this too will pass.”

Love,
BG/BR

Resisting the urge on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend dumped me about two weeks ago because “it wasn’t working out.” Then I found out that he cheated on me and then lied about it to my face. So why do I still miss him when he’s the one who treated me like crap? Shouldn’t I be glad that he’s out of my life? Instead, I’m on the verge of begging him to come back. WHY?????

— Karen

Dear Karen,

STOP:

1 – even considering begging him to come back

2 – thinking that you’re a freak for even considering begging him to come back.

It seems weird, but it’s normal. Wanting him back — at least in theory — is not necessarily about stooping to his level; it may also be about regaining the upper hand. It’s like, things didn’t turn out the way you’d planned; you want to be the one to call, “Uh-uh, DO-OVER!” You want the last word.

This is BG’s empowering interpretation. of your feelings. Use it instead of the one where you’re thinking “Maybe he wouldn’t cheat and lie if I do something differently next time.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

The Predicament of the Week from July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl (I do believe that is the traditional way of starting these letters),

I’m in a bit of a fix. While it may not be anything new to you, it’s still causing me emotional distress on levels I didn’t know existed. Here’s the setup:

I’m 16 years old, give or take a month or two. 5 months ago, I entered into my first relationship–an odd thing in this state of society (waiting until my age, that is), but i’ve always been waiting for the right person. Anyhow, five months ago, I asked this person (let’s just call her “Sherry,” since that sounds clever if you know her real name) if she would care to be with me. Remarkably enough, she accepted. And even more remarkably, things were almost perfect…we grew very close, very fast, and were practically inseparable. I recall meeting a new friend about a month and a half into this relationship, and her shock at how long we had been together…she figured we were at least at the 18 month mark. We even lived together for a brief period, and that worked out magically. About two months into the relationship (in fact, exactly two months) I came to the informed decision that this was truly something special, and that I was now willing to take our relationship one level higher…thus, I let her take my virginity away. Realize that this was a conscious decision that I made before the relationship began, and that she would have been more than willing to do this earlier on…I just wanted it to be something special. And it was.

(more…)

Still smarting on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been in a state of depression for the past year. It has been just over a year since my girlfriend walked out on me in a restaurant, never to be seen again. I found lots of your advice helpful; and I even couldn’t resist sending your “Wish You Were Here” card.

I was very much in love, and then nothing. I thought of marrying her, and looked forward to having children. I guess I’m better off in the long run, but as you know, it still hurts.

Around Christmas last year, she sent me a letter telling me how wonderful I am. I took this as a sign that she might want to get back together, but she just responded that no, that wasn’t her intention, she just wanted to “wish me the best” and “by the way, I’ve met this really nice guy.”

I’m very hurt, sad, and angry. I know I should move on, but it scares me so. When you give someone your heart and soul, and they reject it after a 2+ year relationship, one hesitates to get involved again. I’ll visit your pages for more inspiration from time to time. You’ve made me feel a bit better, but there’s still a long way to go to regain my self-esteem. Thanks for listening.

— Michael

Read BG’s reply after the jump…

The ex returns on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I don’t know where to start. I started seeing this guy last fall. We liked the same things, and had fun when we went out. Things were good. Everyone at work saw us as a couple … and we were!! Okay, I knew there was an EX-GIRLFRIEND — and that he was still in contact with her. (I just did not know that they were in C-O-N-T-A-C-T.) Anyway, he brought her to our work the other day — like it was nothing. Like we had not been seeing each other since last October. They were holding hands and looking like the normal couple. I was crushed! He basically said, “We are back together” — nothing else!

I know that he is in the wrong, but why do I feel like it was my fault? My fault for not seeing any kind of sign. My fault for believing this guy was for real. My fault for falling for such an idiot. I know that it is not, but it sure feels like it.

How do I begin to repair this? My self-esteem, my pride, my dignity? How do I recognize the signs of a jerk before something like this happens? I just wish people had some sort of tattoo or something on them, so you could see whom they were right for, and therefore stop wasting time with STUPID people!! I need a Loser 12-Step Program. I need to stop the madness.

— Whatever

BG’s response after the jump!

Doing unto others on May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I went out with this guy for a few days, then all of a sudden, he breaks up with me for this slut who just dumped her boyfriend. These two aren’t even going out and the worst part is that he told my best friend that I hated her and she didn’t talk to me for three days. I want to know, how I can get revenge while remaining anonymous?

— Miss Pissed

Dear Miss Pissed,

When Careers Day rolls around, don’t bother visiting the CIA booth. Given that it would come right on the heels of the incident(s) you describe, there is no covert operation you could run that wouldn’t have your fingers all over it. Plus, Breakup Girl is not at all convinced that these folks are worth it. That was a lame-ass, pointless move on his part — and frankly, it was even lamer for your so-called best friend to believe him without checking with you first. Revenge — especially given the elaborate effort it would take you to avoid suspicion — is so not worth it here. Your mission, and you should choose to accept it: quit calling other girls “sluts.” That doesn’t help.

Love,
Breakup Girl