Looking for more on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating the same man for 1 and 1/2 years now and he is totally content with the way the relationship is right now. I am ready for some sort of commitment and he likes his time alone. He says he loves me, but I am not getting the attention I need from him. We see each other only when he’s not busy. I am very frustrated with this relationship. I am 37 and he is 47.

— Lisa

Dear Lisa,

What sort of commitment? Like, engagement? Exclusivity? The reasonable expectation that you mean more to him than plan B? All of the above are fine, but you need to be more specific with him than you’ve been with me. Not that he’s, like, a Dumb Man who needs things spelled out for him. But how can you define your relationship without defining your terms? To wit: what kind of attention do you need? How often would you like to see him? How much time alone does he want (this is something you should both have, by the way)? There are no right answers to these questions. Which is exactly the point: concepts like “content,” “commitment,” “attention” “time” are often in the eye, heart, watch, etc. of the beholder. So: do spell it out. And if he’s not content to try and meet you halfway, well yeah, that spells O-U-T.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Sucking it up on November 20, 1998...

Dear Breakup Girl,

My ex-girlfriend is getting married. This upset me, BG. When I heard it, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Seriously.

Since we broke up about 1 1/2 years ago, I’ve been in touch with my ex in a very lite sense of the word. We had a little post-breakup flirtation that nearly destroyed me since I fell for her again and she didn’t fall for me. She never really gave a reason for our breaking up other than “a lack of a gut feeling…” which drove me crazy. So for the last year or so when we’ve chatted it’s been about my family and her job and things like that, not about whether we were dating or not. So the first I hear of this new guy in her life is that she’s marrying him.

She’s been seeing this guy 7 months and all I know about him is that his name and his age. She’s my age (34) and she’s marrying someone twenty years her senior. I use the word Senior intentionally. She’s moving in with the guy in a house they bought together (this was the girl who wouldn’t let me keep underwear at her place after a 2 1/2 year relationship–who says it’s just men who can’t commit)? It’s a lot to process and I’m not sure what to say other than I’m happy for her (which I’m not) and I wish them the best (which I don’t). Someday I’m sure I’ll grow into a mature state of acceptance but right now I feel like Dustin Hoffman at the end of the Graduate. Except I don’t have a convertible or attractive older women hitting on me.

What does one do in this situation? Help me, Breakup Girl Kenobi. You’re my only hope.

–Bummed Out Boy

BG’s solution after the jump!

The Predicament of the Week from October 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was rather honored to have been the elected The Predicament of The Week the last time I wrote. I write again to update you on the latest development. I’m sorry to take up so much of your time.

I don’t know if it was a coincidence or a divine intervention of your Superhero-ness, but after I last wrote, I met this incredibly interesting woman who is in many ways similar to Golden Girl (scary thought, isn’t it?) except that she’s Japanese.

I have a very tight-knit group of friends who are acerbic, iconoclastic, with oh-so strange senses of humor and she fits right in, like fresh cod in steamed spring rolls. She can take it and she can dish it, so to speak. She can drink all of us under the table, and yet, look so damn elegant at the same time. This is a woman with “passion and intelligence born of living and the ability to move or be moved by the subtleties of mind and spirit.” This is a woman to whom the difference between a pasture and meadow seemed important. Words just flow out of her lips like “the silver apples of the moon/the golden apples of the sun.” This I describe with the utmost objectivity I can muster, I swear.

Here’s the catch. She is relocating away, for economic reasons. What seems inevitable is a choice of pursuing a long distance relationship or “fogeddaboudit.” I have a feeling that she had been understandably holding back on her feelings because of the impending move. I too did not pressure her to say anything for or against a possible relationship. What’s the point, really? You can’t give an answer when you don’t have it, right?

(more…)

Changing his tuna on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been seeing a woman for quite some time (>4 years), but we’ve always had a long distance relationship. We’ve always been up and down, but now that she has followed me to a new city, things have been more down than up. I’ve given her a 2 month “adjustment period,” but I’m still confused. At times I think she’s the one, and at other times I want to check out the rest of the fish in the pool. To make things more confusing, my new job combined with being new-meat-in-town has made me a chick magnet (not trying to brag– this is new to me).

Other hang-ups include: We’ve decided that I’m the one who needs to commit, ’cause she feels completely commited. We’re both very busy professionals who value our own time and have little free time. I’ve always thought (and my friends agree) that she’s the type you marry. She was a rebound-chick that kept going and going and going… There were times that I nibbled at other fish when we were apart, and once I got baited. There’s a part of me that’s a mako and another that’s a white baby seal. Positives include that she may be the nicest girl I’ll ever meet, and she really is the type that I should marry. We also have some very good times together. I’d like some insight of yours.

— Don’t Stand So Close to Me

Dear Don’t Stand,

When it comes to the question of marriage, using terms like “type,” “should” and “positives include” has all the romance of Arthur Treacher. Hey, Mr. Meat, cut bait (gently), and go fish on Friday.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Getting serious on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m 25 and when I was 9 I was molested for over a year by my babysitter. Obviously this was a pretty traumatic experience. But since my family doesn’t seem to like dealing with any sort of unpleasantness, it was never talked about within my family and I have never gone through any therapy.

Fast forward to the present: I’m a fairly well-adjusted kickass kind of chick who feels fairly normal compared to some of her emotionally unstable friends. There is one problem though; I can’t seem to date anyone for longer than two weeks. Most of the time the guys are losers who can’t commit and so they ditch me pretty quickly. Also up until recently I wasn’t sure I wanted to date anyone seriously.

Well, now I want to and it feels like I can’t.

So here’s the big question: Can someone who’s suffered a trauma that shattered her confidence in herself and others when she was a child ever have a healthy relationship? I don’t really feel like I need therapy cause I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me emotionally. But I’ve been dating for 7 years and have never had a long term, committed relationship.

If you have an opinion, please share it.

–Jeze

BG’s opinion after the jump!

Feeling the pressure on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This urgent request for advice comes to you after many, many long hours of introspection, second-guessing, bad dreams, and profesional therapy.

I have been in a relationship with Robert for over four years. We have been exclusive for that entire time, and even lived together for one year. I moved out of his apartment about 7 months ago, and we have been going through a very stressful period of almost breaking up, and then trying again since then.

Although we have some pretty basic communication problems, and do tend to push each other’s buttons a little too much, the main problem has boiled down to my wanting to get married and start a family, and his not wanting the responibility of children in his life.

I am 36 (he’s 42) and for me the ticking has suddenly become VERY loud. I do love him, and we have a special connection that I’m afraid I may not find again with someone else. But he has made it clear that his feeling about having a family are not going to change, and I am left with the choice — stay with him and give up my desire for a family, or move on, and hope that within the next four years or so, I will meet someone, who will want all the same things I do.

I have been struggling with this situation for so long, and I just can’t seem to find the answer. It is truly making me crazy, and any help, or insights you can give would be a blessing.

–Viki

BG’s take after the jump!

Cold feet, warm mouse on July 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

OK, BG. I’m taking the plunge. I’ve never done this before. I’m an advice lady virgin. But I’m so confused, I’m about to start eating with my elbows.

My boyfriend has as all the basics, the ones that matter. He’s kind, caring, giving, sensitive, mad about me. And he’s moving far, far away. He wants me to follow him. The living with him part sounds good and relaxing and safe to me, it feels like it would take the long distance pressure off us. Part of me really wants to give this relationship that chance. I’ve been toying seriously with the idea of following him.

Now, suddenly, I’ve started flirting with someone else, let’s call him Mike, via email. I know I’m flirting, although I did mention to Mike that I have a boyfriend. I have never met Mike. Repeat: Never met. This pathetic schoolgirl crush is entirely intellectual and virtual. But, at this point, I get more actual reality butterflies in my stomach from seeing this other person’s email address in my Inbox than from seeing my boyfriend show up on my doorstep. We’ve only been dating a year. I do love him. But shouldn’t we still be in the mooshy, if not butterfly, stage?

(more…)

Still waiting on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been with my fiance for over eight years. We have been living together for about five years in a jointly purchased house. The problem seems to be that we have been engaged for over five years now, and we still don’t have a wedding date. We have discussed this on numerous occasions throughout the years, but we still remain engaged without a “date” to wed. He says that he has been ready to marry me since he asked. He says that I am the one dragging my feet. I have told him recently that I am ready now, but this topic always seems to stay the same…dateless. I know that he loves me, and there is no doubt in my mind about spending the rest of my life with him. I am beginning to wonder if I should give him an ultimatum at this point, or should I just move on???

— Constant Confusion

You don’t have to wait for BG’s answer, just click here.

Two new movies starring four very attractive people pose the questions: (1) Can “friends with benefits” arrangements work? and (2) Natalie Portman?! On (1) I’m leaning no, if only on the grounds that I would definitely fall for Justin Timberlake.

But Tracy Clark-Flory of Salon.com gives the matter deeper consideration. But her bottom line is basically this: “When you talk to people who have been there and done that — and even those who are continuing to do that — the response is overwhelmingly negative. As my own former ‘friend with benefits’ put it, ‘I’ve been in so many of these situations and, basically, they work until they don’t.'”

Read the rest (Tracy does a bunch of reporting and covers a lot of thoughtful ground) and let us know what you think: Does FWB ever benefit anyone? Under what particular circumstances? Share away, ’cause don’t worry; we won’t expect anything more from you than a good time. 😉

Nothing to fear but April 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend of two and a half years dumped me last week because he is afraid of commitment (that’s what he says anyway). I know he feels bad because he cannot even look at me without getting tears to his eyes. I also know that we were very happy together. He never mentioned the fear to me before then and I kept saying to him “I saw a really pretty ring today.” I am so confused because I know he loves me and I know this is tearing us both apart. I can’t even call him because I want to give him his space. I gave him a book yesterday about fear of commitment and how to overcome it. My question is should I even have any hope that he will be able to face this fear and possible come back to me? One of his biggest fears is kids. He does not want any kids but he thinks I do. I have tried to tell him that all I really want is him. I am so confused. HELP!

— Desperately In Love

(more…)