Making things right on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am in a very complicated situation involving my ex-girlfriend. We are both college students; I’m 20 and a junior, she’s 19 and a sophomore. We were dating for about a year and a half and monogamous for about a year or so. I broke up with her six weeks ago for many reasons, but mainly because I felt unwanted and unappreciated… I had almost always treated her with love, respect and dignity and felt that she was not reciprocating. In the cases in which I made a mistake, I always attempted to understand her concerns and apologize when appropriate. Although I initiated the break-up, it was not something I wanted to do; I felt compelled by the situation to save my self-esteem.

About a week after we broke up, I found out that she was pregnant. I went to be with her for the ensuing abortion which was obviously exceptionally difficult for both of us.

A few days after the abortion, I heard about some things that had happened in that week. My ex had tried to hook up with a friend of mine two days after we broke up and had hooked up with three other guys in a short period of time. This hurt me intensely… she was my first love, and I hers; I thought it unbelievable that she would treat my feelings for her in such a disrespectful manner. We have tried to talk about things the past few weeks, but about 10 days ago I finally blew up. She was trying to have it both ways… the alternative experiences that she thought she needed with other guys combined with my support and romance. I basically told her to get out of my life because she was being so unfair and cruel to me. She has never apologized for trying to hook up with my friend, and she continues to maintain that she loves me even though she needs these other experiences. I cannot understand that, and it was that insistence of her love for me that drove me over the edge. It felt like she was completely playing with me.

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Impatient on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My girlfriend of one year recently broke up with me, then decided it was a mistake and wrote me an e-mail saying she thought she still loved me, but couldn’t deal with the distance (she graduated last year and moved two hours away, hence the breakup, which was entirely one-sided). I told her I couldn’t really deal with e-mails saying she thought she still loved me and asked her to take some time to figure out if she did or didn’t and to get back to me.

The problem is, now I’m starting to get a little upset that it is taking her so long to decide if she still cares for me. Should I rush her, or just sit and be frustrated?

— Brett

Dear Brett,

She’s totally allowed to be confused, but she’s totally not allowed to send you confusing emails. If there’s something specific that you two need to work through together, then fine, you should talk; but writing, “hi, might still love u, but not sure, bye! : ) <SEND>” doesn’t count. You need to <REPLY> with, “ok, let me know by [specific deadline].”

Love,
Breakup Girl

A long dry spell around November 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

First of all, please allow me pay homage to your site. It rocks, really.

Okay… where to start? Well, I am a 19 year-old male college freshman and I have a problem — I don’t drink. Doesn’t sound like a problem yet? Ah, but read on… I go to a school where it would be the understatement of the year (perhaps of the decade) to say, “lots of people drink.” EVERYBODY here drinks (except me, it seems). There are huge parties every weekend, beer flows in the streets, people sleep on the lawns, etc… Typical college campus.

This isn’t normally a problem for me. I study a lot, I juggle, I play ping-pong, I do lots of stuff that doesn’t require drinking. The problem arises in my relations with the opposite sex. Now, I hope it’s not too weird not to “want” a girl who smells like beer and/or who just threw up on herself from drinking way too much.

This is why it’s been difficult for me to do anything relationship-wise, because I am afraid that anybody I ask out will be a drinker, and everything we do will end up being based on that activity, which I abhor. I also fear that when/if I start dating a girl and I tell her that I don’t drink, she will drop me like yesterday’s Bud and go find herself a brand new Jack Daniels to party with.

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Waiting by the computer on September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here’s my quandary– my boyfriend “Sardahki” and I were the best of friends, extremely close, saw each other for 7 months, and embarked on most of our emotional and sexual journeys together for the first time. Well, 3 months ago we broke up, for he was leaving for college. He said he’d email me when he got to school, which he did, and I responded. However, it’s been 3 weeks, and I’ve not heard from him. I don’t know that he got the letter because things happen and perhaps it got deleted, or something. (Besides, it was kind of hardcore, so I expected SOME kind of a response…). So, my question: Do I resend the email, assuming he never got it? Or, assume that he got it and didn’t care to respond? and if I do send it and he has already read it, what do I say, because that could be potentially humiliating. Any input would be helpful.

–Nahmi

Dear Nahmi,

As bad as it is to break up with someone via email, it’s worse to break up with someone via not answering their email. I know you guys were already broken up; I’m just saying. Nahmi, I have to tell you that I have a feeling he did get your mail. He wasn’t sure how to respond to something “hardcore” given that you guys had broken up, and on top of it all, he’s distracted and consumed by starting college. Then, the longer he goes without writing you back, the more he employs that twisted human logic, “Well, it’s been so long now, I can’t write her back…” So, big big big OUCH. I suggest that you send hin one more light email, saying, “Hey, hadn’t heard from you, wondering how you are.” That kind of thing. Give him a chance to catch up. And if he doesn’t — or even if he does — give yourself a chance to move on.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Second thoughts on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend left for college and I’m a senior in high school….and quite honestly I don’t know what to do. We agreed to stay together because (if I get accepted…and who wouldn’t accept the 4.129 on the ACT student that I am?) chances are I’ll go to the same school as he next year (been interested in it since WAY before we ever met…and he isn’t going there because of me…) and we’ll graduate at the same time (cause I’m taking 4 AP classes and will earn a bunch of college credits from them!) Anyway, problem is, now I’m really lonely and having second thoughts.

I can’t really get out and do that much anyway, I’m spending lots of time studying (because of those four AP classes. And he’s going to school about 12 hours away! So it’s not like I’m going to cheat on him…even though my friends want me to (A**holes.) I really really really love him and swears the same to me. He’s always been good to me, so good to me, he’s so perfect and we think alike and…sigh* But I’m so lonely and unhappy here now. I don’t know if I can live like this for a whole nine months (give or take about two weeks.) It’s just too hard and this IS my senior year. He even told me I could see other people if nothing came of it (does this mean he might do the same? I’m not going to and I really don’t want him to do it. It’s not fair for the other person…leading them on and all, and I don’t think it’s fair for me if he does it either.) (oh yeah, and what if he falls in love with somebody else? What happens to me then?) Truthfully, the only guys I was even slightly interested in ever in the past four years have all either joined the Navy or left for college now. I don’t have that many friends at all…and I just feel like crap. Why’d he have to go to school so far away? I already don’t like this LDR thing, I’ve felt like crying for weeks. Everybody I know says to break up with him–but I’ll even be more alone then. And I need and want his parents help next year when I leave for school (my parents aren’t willing to make that long trip.) He told me not to be sad, so I don’t want to tell him how I feel! But I AM sad, I can’t help it, I don’t know that there is anything else I can ever be! I don’t know if breaking up would help or not, I think not. But I need something! Oh what should I do?

— LDR Gurl

BG goes the distance after the jump!

Dear Breakup Girl,

I know that second guessing is futile, so I do hope that your advice might end my own obsessive practice.

The Story:

Last fall one of the professors in my department began making overtures: inviting me to lunch, inviting me to dinner, writing me constant e-mails, giving me small gifts. Perhaps I am a more naive graduate student than most, but I remained uncertain of his professor’s intentions, questioning why someone so accomplished (and sixteen years older) would be interested in me, so not accomplished (and sixteen years younger). Well, of course, he was ‘Rebound Man,’ going through a divorce with his equally accomplished wife of fifteen years, who is, rather unfortunately, in the same field as I (at another university, thankfully).

Our ‘relationship’ continued until the end of the semester, when it was apparent that I was not going to end my relationship with my long-distance boyfriend of five years (it’s true, I behaved horribly, I know), nor was I going to have children. Two things that were obviously important to this professor.

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Christmas wishing on December 14, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met this really amazing guy three years ago, when I was dating another really amazing guy. AG#1 and I became fairly good friends, saw each other at school frequently and ended up on the one hour bus ride to and from school together fairly often. Sometime in the year that followed, I split with AG#2 (just our lived heading in different directions) at which point I went into dating overdrive. Being young and immature (18) but thinking I knew it all, there was a string of guys which I saw for a few weeks and then tossed aside, none of them were amazing. Meanwhile, AG#1 and I are spending more and more time together, going out for dinner, seeing movies, drinking at the bar after class together and having wonderfully stimulating (intellectually) discussions.

About a year and a half after our first meeting, we get quite inebriated and end up kissing on my front step and discussing the possibility of us getting together. I knew then that he felt more about me than I felt about him, but I went ahead anyway thinking, I should like him, he’s amazing! So what happens? The next day I flip out and tell him it’s not going to work, I can’t deal etc. etc. Being the AG that he is, he is totally cool about the whole thing. A few days later, he goes home for the summer, and the next fall, I leave to go away to school halfway across the country.

Well, it’s been a year and a half now since the whole kissing thing happened between us and we have still never talked about it. Things haven’t been quite the same between us since then either, and I feel totally terrible about my behaviour. Well, after an amazing dinner with him this summer, right before I again left to come back to school, I started to think about him in a different way, seriously this time. And since I’ve been back I sometimes miss him so much that it physically hurts me. The problem, there is no one else in my life right now, but there is someone in his. We talk on the phone and he doesn’t talk about her much, I get the feeling it’s not serious. And recently he totally hinted that he was still thinking about me as more that just his friend. I would like nothing more than to explore this possibility when I get home for Christmas, but am very unsure about whether or not he is on the same page as me. Plus, I want to be sure this time that I want a relationship with him, he’s so amazing that the thought of me hurting him again scares me. I more than anything don’t want to lose him as a friend. Any thoughts?

— Hoping to Change His Mind

BG doesn’t exactly break out the mistletoe after the jump

Love and loss on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Today my girlfriend got an abortion. We had talked about it and both agreed that it was the lesser of two evils, the other being pregnancy. We are both young and I will be going away to college in the fall. I went to the clinic and sat with my g/f in the OR while the procedure was going on. Then on the drive home I began to feel a sense of loss, despair. I thought that I had prepared myself, I was more worried about my g/f’s emotions. But I had forgotten about myself.

I want to be strong but it’s very hard for me especially with the added stress of my leaving and being 2 hours away.

The questions are:

1) How have male partners dealt with abortion in the past?

2) Would I be a bastard to break up with my g/f after she has had time to get over the abortion?

Thank you.

— James

BG’s advice after the jump

Playing it smart on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This is going to be kind of long, since I have several questions for you. First, it would be easiest if I set up some background. I am 14 years old, I will be 15 in September. I am heading to college this fall in Florida. I currently live in Maryland. Back in November, I was on Yahoo chat and I met this guy. I’ll call him John. He is 16. (Yeah, I know, here it comes! He and I seemed to get along, and– you probably won’t believe this– we spent 9 hours on a chat room reciting movie lines from “Pure Country.” OK. That was fun, and all that kind of thing. I put him on my email list, to get all the junk and stuff I sent out. Back in February, we both got ICQ and started chatting. On February 12, he asked me to be his netgirl. I accepted. (Just wait, it gets better.) Well, for a while there we were talking almost every night for about 3 hours, until his and my work interfered. Also, during that time period (Feb.-April) he was emailing me 2-5 times a day. (BTW, he lives in Iowa) Now, we chat about once every 2 weeks (if that often) and I have gotten two, count ’em, emails from him since June 17. I know I am starting to sound a bit obsessive….forgive me, it’s late. He and I have the same interests, but we are different enough to not be clones. I feel totally comfortable talking with him, and I consider him my best friend as well as my boyfriend (which is what our relationship has been upped to). We share the same morals and views on most things, he respects my parents’ views, and wants to consider us engaged. (All of this I am relaying as of 2 weeks ago, our last chat.) He also listens to me, takes my opinions seriously, and has a great sense of humor. (Did I mention that he is cute too???) So, from every standpoint, he is “Mr. Right.”

Well, except for a few things.

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Downshifting on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Recently, my boyfriend and I broke up because I am going away to school in the fall and it would be too hard to wait until the end of the summer to break up because we will only get more attached. It is one of those situations where love isn’t enough to stay together … we both knew that we are just at very different places in our lives, and it isn’t our time. When we broke up, we knew we had to stay friends, but we don’t really seem to be communicating at all, and everything is weird between us. How can we make going from a long-term relationship to a friendship any easier?

–Lindsey

Dear Lindsey,

Ah, the preemptive breakup. If it works for you, it works for me. But listen, it’s not weird that things are weird between you. Things are weird after a breakup no matter what; add to that the fact that you’re going away — you’ve left yourselves, unavoidably, in a “if she’s going away from here, where do we go from here?” limbo. Besides, no relationship transishes naturally from more-than- to just-friends. I’d say this: don’t sit around waiting for him to call, wondering if you should, making it all “mean” something in your overactive post-breakup imaginations. Limit your interactions, for now, to occasional planned activities that you both enjoy (perhaps even some, like movies, that don’t require communicating at all). That way you may be able to go through the motions of the friendship without putting undue pressure on the e-motions. It will not feel “the same;” don’t expect it to — it isn’t. And it will all feel less acute when you go away, it really will. Good luck in school!

Love,
Breakup Girl