Growing apart on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Damn it. I can’t believe I’m writing this.

I am currently married to a person I have been with for five years. We have an almost two-year old son whom we both adore. My husband is not a jerk. He’s not abusive. He’s not distant or cold or boring or loveless. He even gets my jokes, for god’s sake. My mother thinks he’s Mr. All Time Wonderful (“the son she never had”, only she likes my brother a lot as well).

When we met he was an economics major and heading to do his masters in pure math. I had messed about in high school and so had to do “time” in college before I was even able to get into a University program. Things have turned out rather well for me. I’m finishing up my degree (in English lit and Religious Studies) this year — I took time off to have our son — and will probably begin my masters next fall. I’ve also ‘fallen in’ with the literary crowd round here and there is pressure to publish from other published people (I write poetry so we aren’t talking big bucks here). My husband now has a fairly good job as an accountant and rather than taking a masters he’s gone the route of professional designations — which is no bad thing in and of itself.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have two issues/questions. The first is about getting over the breakup of my marriage. I am in the process of getting a divorce.

It is hard for me because we have a child, and I don’t get to say see ya and move on. I have to deal with him almost daily on visitation or money issues, and he is living with his girlfriend with whom he cheated while we were together. I hate seeing the cozy little family he has created without me, but I want my son to be able to continue to see his dad. Any ideas on how to deal with all this?

The other issue is that my friends want to set me up, and I would like to get out and about again, but I have been a stay at home mom, and haven’t had much of a life lately. I don’t know if I am ready, even for Transition man. Transition man, by the way, has been defined to me as the guy you don’t take home to mom and dad or your kids as the case may be, but who keeps you company in a rough time. I am definitely not looking for anything more, it will take me awhile to get past the betrayal and history, but I would like somebody to take me to the movies, etc. Where does Breakup Girl suggest I start?

— Looking for Transition Man

BG’s advice after the jump!

To hell and back on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

BG, I have a dilemma. I have been in a relationship since I was 16 years old for almost 8 years now. We’ve (mostly I) have been through H-E-double-you-know-what and back during the past 8 years. We’ve had a child together, been through “break-up and make-ups”, the other woman crisis (that he still to this day denies),a long separation, you name it, we’ve been through it. Even though we had a rocky relationship in the beginning, things had begun to get better and we hung on to each other. We live together now and we’ve discussed marriage several times and it’s been just that…discussions. No, rings or dates or anything. That’s not my whole problem. My problem is I feel like I’ve been taken for granted for too long. I’m expected to just sit back and go with the flow. I have grown up and matured and I had hoped that our relationship would grow up and mature too. 8 years is a long time to be with someone. I want a mate who is not afraid of commitment (the legal kind as well), someone who is affectionate, not afraid of intimacy, to show love, who knows how to communicate, who doesn’t play games, who knows what love is, all the good things that come with a good, healthy relationship. All the things I and my boyfriend seem to lack in our relationship. I feel like I want more and I deserve more than he is willing to give me. I also feel like I’m being selfish and kind of giving him an ultimatum. But I want to be happy and I can’t continue to live like this and keep waiting for him to one day get a clue! How do I end this relationship when I’ve invested so much and given so much of myself to this person? Should I end this? I’m so confused. We’ve broken up many times before and I took him back hoping that he would keep his promises, but I don’t want to continue that cycle!! Please Help!! Advice!!! I need advice!!

— Ms. Rick

BG’s advice after the jump!

Caught in a trap on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

TRUST, OR BETRAYAL ???

My girl of 15 months went to a conference 5-6 hours drive away. She left Tuesday and was supposed to be back late Thursday night or Friday depending on how much money she had left. We were trying to sort through our problems at the time. Her ex-husband and former “soulmate” lived in the city where she was going. We talked about that. She assured me that it was completely over 4 years ago, and that their only contact would be when she dropped off (on arrival) and picked up (at departure) their 7-year-old child. She also has a 16-year-old from another man. She is in her mid 30’s.

Wednesday night she had already checked out of the hotel where the conference was at, and where she was supposed to be staying, when I called her. The hotel said she checked out at noon. I had last talked to her at 2 or 3 PM. She did not tell me that she had checked out. She did not come home Wednesday night. Thursday she called and left me a message, in reply to my worried queries to the conference coordinator, saying that she had checked into this other hotel Wednesday night. Her message also said that she loves me. She did not try to reach me at home later or set a time to chat. She did not come home Thursday night. I left her messages.

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Lacking mom genes on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m stuck so I thought I’d write…I’ve been with the same guy (my first love) for 13 years and married for ten of them. I’m 30, he’s 37 and we met when I was 17. He’s considerate, kind, caring, funny, intelligent, a hard worker and throughout the whole period we’ve been together we’ve rarely argued. He’s my best friend, a wonderful lover and my family think he’s great.

Unfortunately though, there’s a problem…He comes from a *large* family and has often mentioned the idea of having kids. I, however, have never had a maternal streak, have a successful career and a huge desire to travel extensively. I NEVER misled him about this…..I always made it perfectly clear right from the start that I wasn’t “motherly” and at the very least couldn’t begin to contemplate starting a family without having travelled and achieved what I wanted to do in life first. Things have become increasingly rutlike over the past year and it’s reached a point of stalemate. He’s not content with the childless life and won’t travel because he wants kids, and I don’t want family (if at all) until I’ve done everything I want to do in life and in my career. He’s mentioned that he thought I would change as I grew older but I haven’t (at least not in the way he would have preferred.)

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Today’s New York Times featured a lengthy article about how today’s mix-and-rematch post-divorce parents with kids make it work: not by marrying and moving everyone, and Ann B. Davis as Alice, into the same ranch house at 1164 Morning Glory Circle, but…close. As a means of preserving their own semi-independence, and sparing the kids an extra intrusion, they’re moving — well, into different ranches on the same circle, say. Or even: same house; different floors, different doors.

In the articles first example, the triple-hyphenate Curtis-Hetfield-Petrini household (two divorced parents, now each others’ partners; three kids among them), for instance, lucked into a two-family town house in Brooklyn. My initial crabby thought: “Well, of course it works great for them. They have a ‘sleek bamboo kitchen.'”

But (a) no fair, as we all know that when it comes to discord, creature comforts are more often cause than antidote, and (b)  the article goes on to describe many types of blendy families in many shapes, forms, places, and real estates. And the broadest points are well-taken. First, the economic reality of a post-Carol world:

…What’s really driving the practice of committed couples with children living in separate abodes, [said Susan Stewart, a sociologist at Iowa State University who studies how families form and change over time], “is that middle- and upper-income women have their own money and independence. They are working, and can live on their own.”

And — most important — this, also from Stewart:

“The complexity of families is the real story. Family life is not what it was. The divorce rate” — roughly half of all first marriages still end in divorce — “has been high and stable since the 1980s. The majority of these people go on to marry or cohabit. Then there’s the change in custody patterns, with more and more fathers desiring more time with their children, if not full or shared custody. The traditional family — the married-couple-biological-children family — is in the minority.”

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. This Ask Lynn column is being promoted at Match on Yahoo this week…

This week Lynn advises Searching in New Hampshire — a 50-ish single mom looking for a man who is willing to date a woman with small children.

I have been online and have dated some but the minute I share that I have a nine-year-old, I don’t really hear back from the men that I’m corresponding with. I understand that most men my age have older children and have moved on from the kid thing.

Where should she look without moving to a bigger town? Read Lynn’s suggestions then come back here to comment!

Using kid gloves on March 23, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been dating a woman for nine months. I have three kids that live with me and she has a daughter who is eight years old. We get along well and have a lot in common, except her daughter drives me crazy. She is the “typical only child,” constantly demanding everyone’s attention when she is in a room and ruling her mother’s life. I’m not sure how far I want this to go…but if I want it to go further, how do I handle the eight-year-old tyrant? Thanks.

— Gonzo Dadio

Dear Gonzo,

Other way around. Decide if you want it to go further; then worry about Curly Sue. Only if you think you’re able to make a commitment to this woman will you have some say in the daughter’s behavior — and some confirmation that you’re not using it as an let’s-keep-one-foot-out excuse. If you want to, you can work it out. I mean, I’m a typical only child, and my dad seems fine so far.

Love,
Breakup Girl

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn helps Edgy in Erie, a gal living with, and raising her kids with, a guy who has not fully extricated himself from his unhappy marriage. Namely:

1. He hasn’t followed through with the divorce.
2. He has cheated on me with her.
3. He talks to her often and seems overly concerned with the goings-on of her life (beyond kid-related things).

After three years, does this guy need understanding, or a kick in the pants? Read the full letter — and Lynn’s response — at Happen, then comment below!

How soon can we get the world into the hands of this generation?

“It doesn’t bother me to tell kids my parents are gay. It does bother me to say they aren’t married. It makes me feel that our family is less than their family.” — Kasey Nicholson-McFadden, 10

Question #2: Why was this article in the Styles section?