No way out on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been with the same person for 2 and a half years now, and things have been really good–the best I’ve ever had. However, since I’m 25, and most of my friends are around that age too, the big topic/issue/event of this past summer should be obvious–yup, weddings. Goin’ to ’em, bein’ in ’em, bridal showers, engagement parties, flowers, dresses everything. Luckily, it’s mainly “other” people, not close friends. (A co-worker; my best friend’s old high school chum; the son of some of my parents’ friends, etc.)

But—and this is an important but—it is driving me absolutely insane. Normally a reasonable and logical person, I am finding myself alternating between renting movies or surfing web sites or talking to engaged people, basically doing having to do with weddings OR feeling the urge to dump my boyfriend, quit my job, and flee the country. Hike around Europe by myself, work in a coffee shop, basically pretend I’m still 19. Or pick up guys in some random bar. Something. Anything but wearing white. All of which would be fine if it weren’t for the dreams. Yup. Normally sane me has been having terrible anxiety dreams where I get married but I don’t want to, where my boyfriend catches me kissing other guys, everything. I want to marry this guy, eventually. Maybe even in a year or two. I just want to stop being bombarded by this whole mudslide of marriage details while I’m trying to figure out my own life. (And yes, I know, the magazines/movies/stores have always been there, I just never noticed.)

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Remember Sweaty Steve, he of the socially-crippling clammy-palmed hyperhidrosis? I’ve got a fantastic update for you, plus an equally fantastic shout-out we just received from a former super-perspirator. I offer both here with two caveats: (1) (spoiler!) finding a partner does not in itself equal success or happiness; in these cases, however, it was something these fellas both wanted and thought they could never have, and (2) as Wendy Shanker describes so eloquently in Are You My Guru?, while medical conditions may have psychological or psychosomatic components, that does not mean that all afflictions can be healed with some nice long walks and a change of attitude.

OK? First, from a fella named K., this spectacular portrait of HOPErhidrosis:

“I suffered the cranial version of this condition for about six years and let it turn me into an asexual recluse for most of my twenties, even leaving two jobs due to my supervisor’s apprehension over what impression it might give the people I interacted with (understandable, as I was a phlebotomist at the time and was told patients simply would not be comfortable having someone with sweat pouring down his face drawing their blood).  Just about every decision I made in those years was influenced by the sweating more than any other factor.  And I never found any correlation between the heavy sweating attacks and my activity level, temperature, liquid intake, etc. The only regular trigger was, the more social exposure, more sweat, but beyond that it would happen in any random setting, even walking alone on a cold night.

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We use a lot of offhand shorthand about being “crazy” for someone or, on a not so good day, about a “psycho” ex. But figures of speech aside, what — as Jezebel (and, earlier, BG) have asked — is it like to date while you yourself are struggling with actual mental health issues? (Related: or with autism?) Sheesh. Obvious but necessary thing to say: Dating is hard enough when you don’t have (say) an eating disorder. You know? What do you do on dates when just the thought of just “grabbing a bite” is a source of unbearable stress? When (as with disability issues) do you disclose: soon enough to be honest, but not so early that you scare them off? How do you even get out there in the first place when — as one woman interviewed told Jezebel — you walk around with “this core self-belief that, basically, [you] suck”? Read the whole piece for some insight and perspective, but perhaps the key message therein is this (from Dr. Sarah Ravin):

Choose a partner who brings you joy and pleasure and fun. Try to view dating as an opportunity to grow emotionally, meet new people, practice new skills, and take healthy risks. If dating seems very stressful or boring or anxiety-provoking, you’re either not ready to date yet or you’re dating the wrong person.

“Sounds,” as Jezebel notes, “like good advice for anyone.”