Justifiable matrimony from February 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My girlfriend and I are both interested in marriage and children, and find each other sufficiently attractive that we’re willing to consider pursuing those goals jointly. We’re both approaching 40. I’m very shy, so I’ve had only three serious relationships before. She is about equally shy, but has had a little more experience, because as a woman she hasn’t been required to take the first move in relationships.

The thing that worries me is that we share almost no common interests other than our common interest in making a family. Can such a relationship work? Are we just getting desperate, and trying to make a relationship work that really can’t?

— James

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Japan’s latest novelty bra (yes, there’s more than one): the Marriage Hunting Bra.

Made by Triumph International, the hardly-intimate apparel features a pen for signing marriage contracts,  a ring receptacle that plays “The Wedding March” when filled, and a timer that appears thematically relevant but whose actual purpose remains unclear.

Perhaps it’s performance art wrapped in a public service announcement inside a wardrobe malfunction. As Reuters notes: “Japan’s marriage rate is falling and the average age at which women get married is over 28 years, relatively late for a country in which single females were once considered over the hill at 25.”

…“In the past, I opposed gay marriage while supporting the idea of civil unions,” Governor Baldacci said. “I have come to believe that this is a question of fairness and of equal protection under the law, and that a civil union is not equal to civil marriage.”

“Article I in the Maine Constitution states that ‘no person shall be deprived of life, liberty or property without due process of law, nor be denied the equal protection of the laws, nor be denied the enjoyment of that person’s civil rights or be discriminated against.’”

“This new law does not force any religion to recognize a marriage that falls outside of its beliefs. It does not require the church to perform any ceremony with which it disagrees. Instead, it reaffirms the separation of Church and State,” Governor Baldacci said.

“It guarantees that Maine citizens will be treated equally under Maine’s civil marriage laws, and that is the responsibility of government.”

Dig this swoontastic photo essay of Mr. and Mrs. President of the United States. They still look as in love as they were during their first 100 days!

What’s a young Shiite Muslim to do when his religion forbids sex outside of marriage and he wants to have sex? Get married of course! Hey, if you can end the marriage with a text (technically it would take three text messages) why not wed your hookup? Actually, Betwa Sharma points out in this fascinating Daily Beast article, it is only a subset of Shiites who believe the Quran provides a loophole of temporary “pleasure marriages” called Mut’ah. Sharma profiles a twentysomething Shiite in New York who’s been “married” 25 times.

Like permanent marriages in Islam, Mut’ah marriages are only allowed with other Muslims, Christians, and Jews. His partners have been Catholic and Muslim-American, Spanish, Lebanese, Turkish, Palestinian, and Pakistani. Selman says many of the women he meets express “shock” when he explains he must marry them before he can proceed.

Yeah, I think a marriage proposal might disrupt my flirty patter. But only for a minute:

According to Selman, the woman has to say, “I marry you, myself.” The man replies, “I accept.” A token bridal gift must be given-in Selman’s case, usually tea, juice, or chocolates.

Wow. I thought I at least had to buy her a meal.

While some might say these Muslims aren’t taking marriage very seriously, I think we can all agree they seem to be taking hooking-up very seriously. As Muhsin Alidina of the Al Khoei Islamic Center in Queens explains Mut’ah:

Alidina says the crucial components of the Mut’ah marriage are the mutual acceptance of the marriage, a bridal gift to the wife paid in cash, and her obligation to stay single for two menstrual cycles after the marriage ends to ensure she is not pregnant before entering into another. The husband is responsible for a child conceived during the marriage, even if the marriage lasts only a few hours, and religious leaders recommend that the contract be put in writing so women can claim their rights in Islamic courts that recognize Mut’ah marriages.

Ugh. Forget it. I’m just gonna stay home Friday night and watch Dollhouse instead.

Check out the full must-read article here.

So I’m on my second marriage. My third, if you count the eight-year relationship between the two. So I know from divorce, splitups and breakups, and I say basta. So anytime someone has constructive advice about how to make my marriage go the distance, I sit up and take notice. Immediately followed, usually, by slumping back down and putting my head between my legs, because omfg, I just can’t.

The New York Times has trotted out the old “date-night” advice: making time for each other to reconnect sans kids is good for your union. Well, duh. Is the New York Times going to pay Barnard Babysitting? Anyway, the newest research says that even if I manage to find a sitter, find enough energy, and tear myself away from my child — is there an opposite of dayenu? It’s not enough for us. If we do all that and then just sit at our favorite sushi place, staring at each other — we’re still in mortal danger of becoming a statistic. Turns out we have to do more than go on a date — we have to go on an exciting date!

Novelty is the goal — it’s supposed to re-up our supply of dopamine and mimic the headiness of our early love. You know what else would reignite my dopamine? My husband throwing out those heinous maroon sweatpants. But I digress. The studies indicate that we’ll feel more connected and satisfied if we do stuff we don’t usually do, like “attending concerts or plays, skiing, hiking and dancing.” That, my friends, is quite an evening.

Look, I’d love to. I’d love to hike and dance and hang-glide. (That’s not true. I would hate to hang-glide.) But I already feel so much pressure to plan a night out. And at this point, believe me, sitting at a table that someone else is going to clean up counts as a novel experience. I’m going to have to hope that’s enough for now.

The “Predicament of the Week” from February 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My wife and I have been married for six years. She rapidly became unaffectionate and irritated-seeming. We have had numerous “relationship talks” which take the form of “I know, I act cool toward you. I need time alone.” She is reading A Room of One’s Own. I try to give her space, but she seems to need a lot of space. I am a very low-maintenance type, but I would like to be touched, hugged good-night or told I am wanted at least weekly. She says she does not want to end the relationship, but I think I that’s because I am a good babysitter for her 13- and 17-year-olds, a good companion for going to the movies or Europe, and a good maintenance man for the house. She says we have a good “business” relationship; I want to feel appreciated. Should I cut my losses and look for someone who clearly loves me, or is distand friends a fair deal in this world?

— Norm!

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Now coming to a close is Psychology Today’s three-part Q&A between author/interviewer Bella DePaulo and author/interviewee Jaclyn Geller about the singles stigma. And here’s our final rundown of this quite illuminating discussion.

— I swear I did not know that DePaulo was gonna name-check that same baby-shower “SATC” ep as I linked to in my most recent post. All the same, I will take this opportunity to remind you what great minds do.

— In other tried-but-true cliches (including the use of “tried and true,” shame on me), Geller eloquently discusses how those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. (Translation: She recommends all those entering marriage to read up on its history.)

— If a Mormon can decide to take the Sarandon-Robbins alternate route to happiness, then change is inevitable.

Last we left our whatevs-to-marriage heroines — authors Bella DePaulo and Jaclyn Geller; the former is running a three-part Q&A with the latter on the Psychology Today blogs — the discussion dwelled on the inequities of wedding registries, “single” v.”married” vocab and the notion that spouses trump friends any day of the week (and, I’m guessing, twice on your anniversary).

And now, our teasers for part deux:

— Singles supplementing couples’ life choices via endless streams of showers should basically just start registering for stuff the day they turn 25.

— Earning one’s M.R.S. degree is, sadly, still a popular college-major choice among coeds.

— Something I’ve never said/written before (not even when I actually was, speaking of, in college): ZOMG I have *GOT* to read me some Plato!

— Double ZOMG: They had road trips in the first century?!?

This is only the first installment of up-with-singles author* Bella DePaulo’s Q&A trifecta with author Jaclyn Geller, author of Here Comes the Bride: Women, Weddings, and the Marriage Mystique, and already I’ve got releases of hundreds of white doves mini-explosions of consciousness-raising going off in my head. To wit:

1. What’s up with all the wedding presents when — now that folks are marrying later — most spouses-to-be already have two of everything anyway? (Shouldn’t all-Freecycle weddings already be the wave of…right now?)

2. “Matrimaniacs” is the new “bridezillas.” Pass it on.

3. If we are going to reclaim the word “spinster” — Geller notes that it wasn’t always an insult — I vote for “noun: a female DJ.”

There’s much more: linguistics (“I don’t like the “single”/ “married” binary. It implies that any unmarried person is a fragmentary half-self awaiting completion in a spouse”), history (prehistoric prenups!), homosocial poetry!

Cliffhanger: In one of the next installments, Geller tells us what she writes on those medical forms that ask whether we’re single or married. (Perhaps she’ll also tell us how not to feel lame when it asks for “emergency contact” and we have to write in our parents?)

* See: Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After