Chickening out on January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
What if you know you need to break up with him, but you really don’t want to?
–Lyna

Dear Lyna,
Is everybody listening? Thanks, Lyna — Breakup Girl couldn’t have put the Dumper’s Dilemma better herself.

IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: “Because he’s there” is not a good enough reason to stay with a boyfriend (especially, you long-distance people, when he’s not). Nor is “because breaking up sucks.”

Breaking up does suck, you guys. That’s why I’m here. But trust me, feeling sad and yucky is better than feeling confused and stuck. The latter destroys brain cells, permanently. The former — unpleasant though it may be — is the first step of the heart’s healing process. But the longer you wait once you realize you need to do the deed, the longer that process is going to take.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Before Paul can shake off Jackie, he may have to dodge a few bullets…

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Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). This week, we meet Hopelessly Heartbroken, who’s head over heels for his best friend. There’s just one thing they don’t have in common, and given his pen-name, you can guess it’s not a passion for film noir. To make matters worse, she has unceremoniously introduced HH to her swell new boyfriend. Should he stay friends with her? More to the point, can he … without, he asks, being “that jealous guy” in her life? Read Lynn’s advice to find out, and then come back here to comment!

Bonus: for more on the tricky — but often doable — friends-to-lovers upgrade, click here!

Remember that Seinfeld ep wherein Jerry gets shunned by his buildingmates for refusing to engage in the “kiss hello?” Likewise, I have long been made uncomfy by physical gestures of affection absent any underlying, genuine, time-tested personal connection. (In fact, I finally had to make myself stop with the rebound-b.f. crap a few years back, because it was too much new-hands-feel, new-person-smell too soon.)

But am I in the minority? I first heard about cuddle parties — group events featuring PJ-clad guests and consensual, non-sexual hugging, hand-holding, nuzzling, spooning, and so on — about five years ago, and at least according to this report from Philadelphia’s CBS affiliate, they are still going strong. Clearly, they have touched, non-sexually, a nerve.

I dunno. Call me posh, but when I get the need for physical contact, I’d much rather shell out for a massage. Anybody with me? Who’s been to one of these things? Am I just being a prude?

Apparently the heart is more resilient than we all give it credit for. At least that’s according to a new study from Northwestern University.

Eli Finkel, assistant professor of psychology, studied college students over a nine-month period and discovered that on average people who are anticipating what their breakup will be like grossly overestimate their level of distress. He says that is especially true of those who are strongly in love when they make their forecasts.

“So those people are especially wrong,” said Finkel. “They think they are going to be devastated, and they are much less devastated than they thought.”

It turns out, in most cases it only takes a few days for us — men and women alike (the study revealed no difference in sex) — to start focusing on all the bad things that annoyed us about our partners. And in our minds we start exaggerating how terrible those things were. (Like how much he hated your cat. There’s something seriously wrong with a man who can hate a little tiny, sweet kitty THAT much. Seriously. No really, you’re better off without him.)

Though to be fair, the study does go on to say that the same is true of many dreaded human experiences. We anticipate that many things — surgery, a trip to the DMV — will be much worse than they actually are.

No, wait, sorry. The DMV will actually be worse than you imagined.

Check out what our neighbors to the north have discovered: men are about twice as likely to report depression stemming from divorce than women.

According to the AFP news agency, men aged 20 to 64 who had divorced or separated were six times more likely to report an episode of depression than those who remained married, according to Statistics Canada. Women, however, were only 3.5 times more likely to have had a bout of depression after a marital breakup than those still in a relationship.

Neither the study nor the news report on it gave any real indication of why this was. What would have been interesting is if they paired these statistics with ones on who initiates divorce and reasons cited for the split. I wonder, for example, if women are initiating the divorces more because of cheating spouses and the like. In which case they are probably six times more likely to be pissed off after divorce than men. Or hey, vice versa.

But do check out that little happy nugget of news at the bottom. Turns out it takes only four years to get over the complete and utter devastation of losing the person you love. Well sheesh, if they can solve that one, now can they tell us how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?

Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). This week, we meet Mandy, who — just like we always tell you guys — totally met a guy in her dance class! Everything went great until … it didn’t. Caramba! Now what? Can Mandy — who now feels dancing-foolish — still show her face in salsa? Or is she doomed to a life of long romantic nights at home with Bruno Tonioli? Read her letter and Lynn’s answer to find out, and then come back here to chat!

Having second thoughts on January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
If you do dump him, then realize it was a bad idea, how do you ask him back out without letting him think that he has you wrapped arounnd his finger?
— Just Curious

Dear Just Curious,
Here’s how: pick up the phone, dial all but one digit of his number, hang up the phone, and wait two weeks. Why? IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: having lingering feelings for an ex does not necessarily mean the breakup was a “bad idea.” It just means you kinda sorta miss someone that you had some good times with. If you really, rationally think that you want another chance (and you have at least two friends who endorse this decision), then after two weeks, you may actually call him and ask him out. Once. Casually. If he says no, let him go.
Love,
Breakup Girl

You’ve got a friend on January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
How do you comfort your best friend when her live-in boyfriend dumped her after seven years?
–Confused

Dear Confused,
Bless your heart for asking. But you should really ask her: What do you need? What can I get for you? Do you want to talk about it, or do you want some distraction? When should I just leave you alone? Would you like a spoon for that? Don’t tell her you know what she’s going through; don’t offer unsolicited analyses of “what went wrong;” don’t go out with her boyfriend. Let her call the shots — just do your best to let her know that you, unlike certain people, will always be there for her.
Love,
Breakup Girl

When is a rebound not a rebound? When there’s a rematch with Miss Fling…

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