Cohabits die hard on February 23, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I live with my boyfriend of three years and something happened two months ago that he totally misread and now he won’t even talk to me. He told me it is over but has made no plans to move out. He sleeps on the couch, I got the bed. He won’t have anything to do with me and I just don’t get it. I have done everything humanly possible to make him see that I love him and want this to work out for the long haul. He says it is over. I feel that if he wants it over so bad he should be the one to leave. You figure he would be sick of sleeping on the couch. I want to get on with my life. I want to date. If he does not want me I feel that I should be able to find someone who does. How so I make him see that he has got to go so that I may actually have a shot of getting over him and moving on?

— Confused in Bethesda

Dear Bethesda,

Um, it’s going to be kind of hard to “date” with your ex-boyfriend on the couch. Start packing. Your stuff.

Love,
Breakup Girl

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that sometimes you’ll find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego, who is not the one in the picture — over at Happen.

1. Like today! Here, we read the plea of Just Want to Move On, who … well, you know. Trick is, the ex in question was not exactly a catch. So why is she still hooked? Read her Q and Lynn’s A, and then come back here to comment.

2. Also new: double trouble. My boyfriend hates my twin! As always, then dish about it here.

Climbing the corporate lad, from February 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Now that I’m over my ex (although there are still a few of his belongings in my garage; I think I’ll create some metal art), I’m ready to move on. There is a fellow at my workplace whom I’ve recently met; he works in another department in another building, is friendly and has a photograph of he and his daughter on his desk (no wife). I would like to get to know more about him. Well, in this world of appropriate workplace behaviour, how do I get the two of us together outside of the office in order to find out more about him? In my position at work I am confident and can tackle the unknown, but in my personal life I can’t seem to initiate that first step. What’s a professional woman to do?

— Tired of Following the Rules

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So lost without you, on January 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been in love with my girlfriend for the past four years and am still very much in love with her. Unfortunately, she has decided she is no longer in love with me. We have lived together for the entire time; now we are apart for the first time. She is my whole life. How in the heck am I supposed to fall out of love with her?

— Rich, Lost in Love

Dear Lost in Love,

Oh, Rich. If Breakup Girl had to answer only one letter this week — this month, this year — it might well be yours. Your question speaks for all dumpees, ever.

On the other hand, Breakup Girl secretly wishes she could yell at her intern for losing your letter. That’s because (a) she wishes she had an intern, and (b) now that you’ve raised the eternal question, she hesitates to say that she has no easy answers.

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From BG’s GO GIRL! File, dated January 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I just wanted to say that I was in a very destructive relationship about two years ago. It was hard for me, but I realized I deserved better than that. About year ago I met someone. At the time a relationship was the last thing on my mind. But he waited, and was very understanding about my fears. Later I realized he was the one for me all along. It’s been a year since then, and hes the best thing that has ever happened to me. For all of those girls out there who think there will never be anyone else, Wake up! You’re all far to beautiful to be wasting your time on someone who doesn’t respect you.

–Helplessly in Love

Dear Helplessly,

Go, girl. And listen, y’all: “Go, girl!” is a figure of speech. This is co-ed advice. This is not a Boys are Bad thing. This is a Bad Relationships are Bad thing. Okay? Enough said.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Moving on circa January 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

After reading these letters I was impressed how you handled the situations with great level-headedness. So I’ll give it a whirl with my story.

I went out with this girl for nine months and let me tell you I was the happiest I’ve ever been. Everything about her was amazing to me. I knew we were going to break up because of our likes and dislikes. Our personalities were right on but we couldn’t decide on chocolate or vanilla ice cream. Sad. So here I am writing to Breakup Girl more than ONE YEAR later asking for someone to hit me on the head so I’ll forget this girl. Each of the few times that I talk to her she has always been so nice to me but I know she doesn’t want me anymore. I wish she would be mean. Anyway, If I can reason with myself like this, why haven’t I moved on?

–In Need of a Lobotomy

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Getting over … yourself on January 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

A long time ago I went out with this boy. It wasn’t a bad relationship, it wasn’t a good relationship…it was an ugly breakup. After the breakup he actually slept with my best friend (whom I also no longer speak to).

Well, while we were dating he introduced me to many people. One of which I married (less than one year after we broke up). I have been deliriously happy for a number of years and want to put the horrible relationship behind me. I want to contact this old boyfriend and thank him for introducing me to the most wonderful man in the world and apologize for being a bit “bitchy” during the breakup. Is this the stupidest idea I have ever had? Am I looking for closure? Or rubbing it in?

— Katrina

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Moving on, on January 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

It’s New Year’s Eve and my ex-boyfriend and I are now 1,000 miles apart physically and emotionally. We have been apart for about a year now, but he was my first love, and I am finding it extremely difficult to get over him, especially with all the fond memories of the good times we had together. He really was awful to me — he lied just about every day and probably always had at least one girl on the side, and I know I didn’t and don’t deserve that, but I just can’t seem to get him out of my heart and mind. Do I crawl into bed and pull the covers all the way up over my head until I finally feel over him? Or do I catapult myself into the very frightening world of dating? I guess I just need someone to get me out of this awful funk. What should I do to move on once and for all?

–Funked-up in CT

Dear CT,

Some people say, “I just worry that I’ll never find anyone who treats me as well as he does.” You don’t have that problem. Crawl under the covers for one day. Then get out that catapult.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Are you haunted by the ghost of relationships past? In honor of Halloween, we revive a classic comic featuring Breakup Girl Friday…

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Moving on from January 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I just broke up with my beau of eight years; now I am FIERCELY attracted to a co-worker. I have never asked a guy out. Should I start now, and ask this one out?

–Hopeless

Dear Hopeless,

Of course you’re fiercely attracted to a co-worker. Let me guess: is it Bob from Accounting … or Joe from Rebound? Right after the end of such a long relationship, everyone’s going to look good — especially the beaux-to-be who are the worst ideas. Breakup Girl is not saying you should never ask this guy out. I am just saying that you need to be particularly circumspect about stirring up a solution that contains not one but two combustible ingredients. My advice: let Octavio from the Piercing Parlor be your rebound. Then see how good Joe looks to you in the company cafeteria.

Love,
Breakup Girl