Dear Breakup Girl,

My fiance and I recently split. I did the deed, as he became at first distant, then emotionally abusive, then completely absent in body and soul. I’ve returned my wedding dress, sold my wedding ring (I paid for it, I can sell it), and am in therapy. So what’s my problem? He still lives in the building I’ve inhabited for nearly 14 years. We rented separate studio apartments, and when we were together, one was our bedroom, one our living area. He has no plans to leave the building. We no longer speak. I don’t know whether to leave, stay and get over him, or send hate mail. What would you do?

— Deborah

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn hears from Confused Christina, who suddenly and tragically lost her first true love at age 22 and is still struggling with the loss…

And ever since he died, I have tried rather excruciatingly to date and be happy with someone else. I’ve gone on dates over the past three years with at least 30 guys and none of them have ever had the spark or made that connection that I had with my deceased first boyfriend.

Is Christina truly ready to be back out there? Has she just not met the right guy? Read the full letter at Happen, then come back here to offer your own insight in the comments below.

Read; weep. Nothing to add.

World of Warcraft is definitely not for someone facing the end of three decades of marriage. Yet I am all of these things as well as a Darkspear Troll mage, with my home in the Barren Lands, a savanna populated with livid pink T-Rexes who wear blue necklaces and matching earrings. I am Level 21 (out of 70), just high enough to get out of the newbie playpen and die suddenly as I stray past cave bears or mega-spiders. /snip/

In many ways, “WoW” was weirdly evocative of what I faced in life. I was newly alone and, like my avatar, dependent on the skills I had, not the ones I wished for. At each turn, I seemed to be facing new dangers. Often, I died. But I rose again and again, finding within myself a bedrock strength that even this calamity did not erase.

My son and I learned “WoW” together. While he commandeered the keyboard, I sat beside him, to help him choose a path…My son has a generous, intuitive spirit. Though I’ve done my best to seem normal, like a weather vane he reads my moods. For weeks, I walked like the Undead through the routines of family life. I felt as gaping as the creatures in Undercity, a “WoW” metropolis, with their chests ripped open to expose neon-colored hearts….Then my son would invite me to play, his voice shiny with intentional cheer. I would find myself with his arm curled around my neck like the tenderest, toughest vine. His fear of what was happening to us moored me to earth. The end of love is a voyage to an unknown land, with mysteries and dangers that I had to learn to navigate…

So here are my “WoW” lessons, thanks to my son:…

Nope, sorry! Click here to behold Robin Kirk’s amazing essay in its full, gory, glory.

Cinco de Lame-o falls on April 27, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

A while ago, I was dumped, the same old excuse (“I’d just rather be friends”). Well, I’m still heartbroken, and the crappy thing is that while I’m mourning at home, he’s in Mexico having the time of his life. But back to the subject. I feel like if I go out with someone now, he will be mad at me, and he means a lot to me. What do you think I should do? I don’t want to be hated, but I don’t want to be single.

— Karen

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Getting better on April 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I lived with a guy for 6 years–in December he FINALLY asked me to marry him. In January, I had a biopsy to confirm whether or not I had cancer, and then he got REALLY weird. A week after the biopsy, and three days before the results, he dumped me. (The old “I love, but am no longer IN LOVE with you” speech!) I think that he just couldn’t deal with the fact that I’m sick, but I can’t really reconcile this, as several years ago he had helped me nurse my grandfather, who was dying of cancer. I can’t quite deal with this. I feel like if he couldn’t love and support me through this, how can I expect someone else to?

We have had little contact with each other since the breakup. He called me several times after he found out about my diagnosis, and was totally sweet–even hinted around about us getting back together. But when I came back to town a few days later to see doctors and talk to him, he acted like he never even said we should talk about getting back together, which he had. After that, I refused to speak to him, and we have divided property and settled everything via e-mail only.

The thing is, he’s obviously a jerk, but I still love him. Any advice?

— Heartbroken

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Negotiating the peace on April 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I happened upon your site the morning after my girlfriend dumped me. Your advice columns (and seeing that “I’m not the only one”) have really helped me through this. I hadn’t been in any kind of romantic relationship for four or five years before this one, and I was pretty broken up about the whole thing. But now I can almost sit back a little and think about it. One of the things my ex said in her “can I talk to you” talk was that (of course) “its not you, its me”, and “we can still be friends.” Not having had this work for me at all in the past (the friend-afterwards part) I don’t know how to try and make it work. I’d really like to be friends (and not just friendly, as a coworker mentioned most of his “let’s be friends” relationships went), but I just don’t know how to make that work.

I think my ex has done a lot to help the process, by listening to me a couple of times I’ve wanted to talk/vent, and by being very understanding of my need to talk with her at times. The result is that I don’t despise or hate her, like I have with other exes, and from what I can gather and what I feel, this is a good start to some sort of “friend”-based relationship.

So is there any thing I can do to help facilitate this friend (re)building process? I know that I’m not completely “over her” yet, and I don’t want to seem like I’m too attached. I think she may have already moved on to someone new, and I don’t want
to get in the way. So how do I go about making sure she knows that I am (will be) available for a friend, but not give her the wrong idea, or affect her current relationship (if any)?

— Chris

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Drawing it out on March 30, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

For the duration of our nine-month relationship, my ex tried to convince me that we were “meant to be.” Without warning or reason, he then dumps me citing the “I love you but am not ‘in love’ with you” excuse. Whatever. Aside from one business like letter he sent a week post break up (and an angry follow up phone call on my part), we have not spoken since and it’s been six months. I am over him and the break up was definitely for the best, but I wonder now if this was the most healthy way to handle things. Although the lack of contact helped the healing process, would it have been better to have long, painful phone conversations analyzing what went wrong just so I have a clue? Do you advocate the “cold turkey”/no contact approach even in the absence of a concrete breakup explanation?

— B.

Dear B.,

A “long, painful phone conversation” does not a “concrete breakup explanation” make. Trust me, you didn’t miss much.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Still stings on March 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My fella, who I adored, was transferred to another city. We agreed to try a long distance relationship. All I ever asked was that he tell me if he found someone else. Within a few weeks there, he was sleeping with a much younger woman who he had HIRED for his department. I found out after about a month and threw the book at him. I don’t want him back, but I so want to stop thinking about him and stop feeling so hurt. I’ve filled my life with a lot of new things…going to college, golf, country dancing, etc. I’ve met a few men, but the thought of being hurt like that again is too much…it makes my stomach turn over. It’s been almost a year and I am still feeling the sting. Any ideas?

— Linda

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Trying to deal on March 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I can’t get away from the feeling that all men are scum after a recent experience, and yet I find myself still thinking about the man concerned. What will snap me out of it other than another man? Should I start Yoga or something?

— D.P.O.W.

Dear D.P.O.W.,

The popularity of Yoga has indeed been blamed for the niceification of New York City. So yeah, it might take the edge off. And if you’re anything like Jeni (above), you might meet someone there.

But let me caution you about something else: no one gets away with the “men are scum” thing here at breakupgirl.net. If you can’t live with ’em, then live without ’em. Everyone get this straight: BREAKUPS ARE PIGS.

Love,
Breakup Girl