According to former FBI agent and flashy author Joe Navarro –“the nonverbal expert”– two major body-language indicators can hint at whether your mate is “still into you” (Navarro’s words, not mine — can we please retire this expression? Also, “cougar”? Thanks) or whether your relationship is headed south.

As Navarro explains in a recent article in Psychology Today, the first clue that a true connection exists between you and a loved one lies in the hands — when your snookums places a full, flat palm on your body (“palmer touching,” which kind of lacks frisson), this is a sign of real bonding and trust. The longer they leave it there, the warmer the relationship.

If, on the other, uh, hand, your partner tends only to touch briefly or with the fingertips (“distal touching”), the passion may be fading.

Now I’m smacking myself on the forehead. (“Duh touching.”)

The other nonverbal clue is what body-language professionals call “ventral fronting” — when your mate approaches you, does he or she face you head-on with no obstruction to the belly area? This is a subconscious behavior that signifies trust and affection. (Think “happy puppy getting her belly rubbed.”) Couples whose trust and affection are waning tend to face their abdominal regions away from each other (“ventral denial”), or hide behind crossed arms, purses, the Sunday Times, etc. Or Spanx?

Navarro uses obvious examples from pop culture (Jon & Kate, Chuck & Di) to illustrate his point, and concludes by saying:

… when it comes to interpersonal relationships, how we touch and how we present our ventral side says so much about the health and longevity of our relationship…

No argument there — body language is visceral and immediate and can help us understand what people are thinking and feeling in the moment.

However! A couple of things are bugging me, which you might be able to tell by the way I am currently placing a large cheese sandwich between my belly and the keyboard.

For one thing, articles like this, in seemingly respectable (albeit pop-psych, not scientific) magazines, seem to play right into that women’s-magazine-of-yore myth that the only way to understand your partner is to desperately seek for clues.

If you are reduced to reading body language to determine whether someone really loves you, doesn’t that in itself indicate some basic disconnect? (I’m asking, not telling, so weigh in if you disagree!)

Secondly, while I understand and support the value of observing nonverbal behavior, I also know that individuals behave differently under different circumstances — a distal touch here and a ventral denial there may simply indicate that a person is not feeling present, is distracted or nervous. Or just got their nails done. I don’t think that Navarro does a good enough job explaining that the occasional pair of crossed arms does not a relationship fiasco make.

Opening the lines of communication on March 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

There’s a lot said about not pushing people to change and just accepting differences. Yet, good relationships are supposed to involve lots of communicating, which suggests it is for working out differences. How do you know which issues are important and which ones are simply annoying?

— Jonus

Dear Jonus,

Brilliant question. Practical answer: it’s all relative. Here’s a project for everyone wondering the same thing: make a list of all the issues in your relationship. All of them. Even the dumb stuff. Everything. From “We have different styles of handling money” to “”How can she not think that what the President does under his desk is his own business?” to “Ketchup on eggs?” Don’t worry, you’re not going to have to show it to anyone (though Breakup Girl is always curious about these things). Now put it away for a day (you may wish to encrypt it in Navajo). Take it out and add more. Put it away again for a few days. Now take it out one more time, curl up with some chamomile and a highlighter, and read. Now that you see all the issues together in one context, you tell me: which ones are important and which ones are just annoying? My sense is that since you thought to ask this question in the first place, you’ll know what’s worth highlighting.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Two ships passing on March 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am living overseas and I met a guy over the holidays who was just in town for two weeks. I met him one night and we just clicked. I didn’t want it to happen since I knew he would be leaving, but it did. I always believed that when you find that right guy you will know from the moment you meet him, and with him I got that feeling. It was amazing. Now he is gone but we do keep in touch with e-mail and when he can call he does. The problem is that I know there’s a 95% chance that I’ll never see him again. Now whenever I meet guys I just can’t get interested in them no matter how great they might be. Should I just forget my first love and move on, or should I let time take its toll. I feel so empty without him, though.

— Lonely Without Him

(more…)

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you’ll find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week’s entry is from AE, who is worried that his communication style  — lots of texting — which worked well with his last relationship, isn’t working with his new girl. Things may be over before they’ve begun, so what can he do? Read the column at Happen, check out the comments from our MSN posting, and add yours below.

Please enjoy — if not tweet — this APB about TMI from FOBG Rob Paravonian*:

* That’s him playing and singing on all the BG animation!

Dave Hamrick and Lindsey Nebeker, two people diagnosed with autism — and madly in love — are scheduled to appear on tomorrow’s Good Morning America. (Close to the top of the second hour, we hear.) From their profile (by BG’s alter ego) in this month’s Glamour:

“People like Lindsey and Dave put so much thought and dedication into making their relationship work,” says Diane Twachtman-Cullen, Ph.D., a speech-language expert who specializes in autism and knows the couple well. “Frankly, we could all take a page from their playbook.”

Ask Lynn, Breakup Girl’s alter ego’s advice column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com), is now being updated monthly rather than weekly. Now, you’ll get two new letters at the start of each month. This month’s theme seems to be communication and the weirdness thereof:

1. He Loves Me Not? writes in because when she told her boyfriend of three months “I love you” he answered her … with the sound of crickets. But does what we say — or don’t say — always reflect how we feel? Discuss…

2. Rubbed The Wrong Way has cause to be for all the mixed signals she’s getting from an ex-boyfriend who’s regretting the breakup–but only sometimes.

Ask Lynn, Breakup Girl’s alter ego’s advice column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com), is now being updated monthly rather than weekly (boo!) … but now you’ll get two new letters at a time (yay!). So, for December, take your pick of guy drama: one’s written too many texts, and the other has one woman too many…

1. AE thinks he has driven his love away with too many calls and texts

or

2. Am I Being Paranoid, who fears the worst between her long-distance boyfriend and his best gal-pal.

Read the letters along with Lynn’s advice — then come back here and comment below!

Worse for me than the sound of the morning alarm is the buzz of my boyfriend’s Wackberry vibrating on the bedside table. Seriously, dude. Since when is texting more important than spooning?

But that even louder buzz you hear is the sound of 5,655 people like me grumbling about their partners.  Men’s News Daily reports this tidbit from Sheraton Hotel’s recent survey  of 6,500 traveling executives: 87 percent of them admitted, likely propped up with pillows and a scowling spouse at their side, that they bring their Blackberries to bed. And: 35 percent of them said they’d choose their PDA over their spouse. YIKES! Of course, those couples may have issues that predate the telegraph, but still.

So yeah, my boyfriend — who is not even an executive, but clearly some sort of international man of mystery — definitely brings his phone to bed. I mean, phones. He has two Blackberries plus a third phone, which is like a Bat phone for his ex, who is the only one with the number — but that’s a different story.

According to a new poll, 77 percent of people avoid discussing politics. Which is funny, ’cause around me these days, at least 77 percent of people can’t stop. But anyway: this survey, conducted by VitalSmarts and the authors of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, suggests that they dodge the topic not because they don’t care, but because conversations about politics with friends and family can be nasty, brutish, and not short enough. Nearly half of respondents, according to a press release, “have had bad experiences in the past when sharing their political views — and rather than risk a verbal battle, they hunker down and shut up.” And: “As soon as the discussion escalates or becomes the least bit controversial, only 28 percent feel they can control their own temper and only 23 percent believe they can handle if it the other person gets upset.”

Yeah, I know. This is not good for the political conversation, small or large. “This is a tragedy for democracy,” said Joseph Grenny, co-author of Crucial Conversations. “Our founding fathers believed spirited public discourse was the crucible of democratic decision-making. And here we have evidence that dialogue has all but ceased. The result is a public whose opinions are rarely tested and challenged.” (His latter point is taken, especially since we so often hang out with our own choirs, but “dialogue” has hardly “ceased.” Um: political blogs?)

But stay with me; I’m getting to my — apolitical — question. “People no longer feel safe discussing politics,” says Grenny. “These discussions quickly turn from casual conversation into personal attacks on people’s values and interests.” Especially now, apparently, with 66 percent of people, according to this study, “believing the current political race is more controversial than in past elections.” [Supercomputer? Are we sure that’s not 166 percent? — BG]

Okay. So never mind friends and family — what about more-than friends? Promising dates? On the one hand, it does always seem advisable to avoid potentially controversial topics (politics, man skirts) during early courtship. On the other, especially these days, it really does seem unavoidable, especially if your first date is at MooseBurger King. I mean hey, it comes up.

So BG wants to know: How are you handling that little conversational dance these days? Especially that — perhaps now more than ever? — your date’s red or blue status may be a deal-breaker for you? (Of course, depending on how or where you met, like at the Ron Paul dance marathon, you’ll already know.) How do you balance the demands of getting-to-know-you with your own personal need-to-know (if any)? (And of course, even planning to vote the same way doesn’t mean you feel the same way about what’s going on.) In other words, no matter what, plenty of room for other sparks to fly. So what, in terms of political conversation, is your dating campaign strategy these days?