Caring too much on March 30, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My live-in boyfriend (who’s 30, I’m 41) of three and a half years told me he wanted to ‘just be friends’ this past September. I moved out. He got engaged New Year’s Eve to a woman (she’s 29) with whom he had a brief fling in college and has heard from or had visit him a couple times a year for the past nine years (each time they met, she was all over him like the proverbial cheap suit). They are to be married in May. I have two questions. Will this marriage work? and Why do I still care?

— Patton

Dear Patton,

Why do you care? Of course you care. Are you kidding me? Even Breakup Girl cares, and she doesn’t even know these people. Dumped you in September, engaged in December?! Yeesh. All I can say is, she may have been all over him like a cheap suit, but oddly enough — as the genuine-article fashion zombies from the 70s and 80s attest — sometimes it’s the cheap ones that last.So this thing could be a flimsy rebound, or it could be some solid perma-crease that somehow never got ironed out. Or, gulp, it could be an age thing. So I don’t know if it’s going to last or not, but I do know that you’re not allowed to obsess about it. Write to Breakup Girl, speculate with your friends — but I can trust you not to pull any “I must stop the wedding” Julia Roberts antics, right? Buy your bad self a pricey suit and find some gent who doesn’t have his past mixed up with his future.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Classic advice from April 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I did one of the worst things I could possibly ever, ever do (at least I realise that now) on the (uh-oh) rebound from a previous relationship feeling lost, wounded, alone, unloved (sob, sob) etc. I got involved with a very nice guy, lets call him Brandon. I have the sneaking suspicion I was fooling myself when I thought I loved him. Honestly, there wasn’t much about B you couldn’t love; smart, kind, honest, bla bla…sure, the type I never seem to find myself involved with, and, victim as always, I always go for someone who turns out to be some psychotic egocentric maniac. So, here is B telling me he loves me with all his soul and I find out, feeling like an absolute rat, that the love isn’t there, it just isn’t. Here is someone willing to COMMIT!! and here am I, the one who has always wanted committment, finding that I cannot love him like he wants me to, try as I might, and I cannot let it go on, the poor soul worshipping the ground I walk on. Now, Breakup Girl, please don’t think me coldhearted, I’m always the one who is dumped, it was very difficult to bring the pain upon another…but I did. And he refused to be “friends” but I really wanted to be friends, he was one of the sweetest people I’d known…he didn’t reply to me for weeks on end, and still I tried and tried to get through to him. I could understand his never wanting to see me again, but the sore point is this: he has some very expensive and very sentimental jewelry of mine. A silver pendant I have had since birth that I gave to him during our passionate little affair. So I sent him everything of his back, pleading with him, practically on my knees wanting it back…but no reply. I haven’t heard from him in months and months, I miss him dearly, and of course, I miss my beautiful pendant and that makes me harbour bitter thoughts. Breakup Girl, what can I do to get it back?

— Porcelina

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That was quick.

Going balmy on February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I dated this guy over the summer and fell in love with him. He was real nice, sweet, and caring and I didn’t think I would lose him, but I did. Ever since then I’ve felt empty and just use guys as some kind of toy to play with. I know I’ve hurt a couple of people and I feel bad about it, but I can’t help it. I still love that guy but I don’t know if he still likes me, should I keep chasing him or should I stop. And how do I quit treating guys like a toy to play with?

— Samantha

Dear Samantha,

If there were such a thing as Breakup Girl Laboratories, they would be hard at work on the Boyfriend Patch. Available in fashion colors and Hello, Kitty designs, the Patch would, in the absence of an actual or particular pined-after boyfriend, provide the fix-of-the-quickie that we so often crave.

In the meantime, though, I will tell you that toy-boys are much like Carmex lip balm and the alleged conspiracy behind it. The idea being that your lips are chapped, you apply Carmex, they feel better momentarily… but… “Mulder, are you suggesting that Carmex itself actually makes your lips feel chapped again.?

You see where Breakup Girl is going with this. You feel empty, you mess around, you feel better momentarily … but … the fling itself actually makes you feel emptier. It serves not as a statsfying replacement for your summer Mulder, but as an acute reminder that you don’t have him.

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Trying not to be tacky on February 2 1998...

Dear Breakup Girl,

I like one of my good friends. The problem is, he just broke up with his girlfriend K., who happens to also be a friend of mine. I know it’s not right for me to make a move and ask him out, especially because he’s not over K., and I don’t think it’s right to go out with a friend’s ex (even if we’re not close friends). But I like him a lot, and I know he feels the same about me, even though he loves K. too. How long I should wait before asking him out?

— Jennifer

 
Dear Jennifer,

Give it at least a few months. Not only out of respect for K., but also because you don’t want to get jiggy with him until he has safely exited the rebound zone. It might feel like forever, but if there really is something between you two, it’ll last. And at least you don’t have to wait as long as Charles and Camilla do.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Moving on from January 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I just broke up with my beau of eight years; now I am FIERCELY attracted to a co-worker. I have never asked a guy out. Should I start now, and ask this one out?

–Hopeless

Dear Hopeless,

Of course you’re fiercely attracted to a co-worker. Let me guess: is it Bob from Accounting … or Joe from Rebound? Right after the end of such a long relationship, everyone’s going to look good — especially the beaux-to-be who are the worst ideas. Breakup Girl is not saying you should never ask this guy out. I am just saying that you need to be particularly circumspect about stirring up a solution that contains not one but two combustible ingredients. My advice: let Octavio from the Piercing Parlor be your rebound. Then see how good Joe looks to you in the company cafeteria.

Love,
Breakup Girl

And now, the epic “season finale” of The New Adventures of Breakup Girl!
BG faces everyone’s greatest fear…

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Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, the advice column penned by BG’s alter ego at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). This week, we meet Torn-Up Tanya, who presents us with still another age-old dilemma: “Steve — or Mark?”

Steve: Emotionally abusive but penitent and up-for-counseling ex. Wants her back.

Mark: “Sweet,” “awesome” new guy she met, sorta by mistake, very soon after the breakup.

Whom should Tanya choose? (Hint: Maybe … Ed?) See what Lynn has to say, and then come back here to comment!

When is a rebound not a rebound? When there’s a rematch with Miss Fling…

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