Coming home on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I dated this guy for a year and a half, and for months he has not been speaking to me, I finally blew him off in a letter (no other way when I’m at school, he’s never home, and of course won’t call me back), saying that I never wanted to hear from him again, not that I ever thought I would. Well, someone had to cut the cord.

All well and good, right? Well, it’s summer, and I’m dreading coming home (I’m going to summer school here partly to avoid him — but I’ll be home half the summer anyway) because I know I’ll run into him (we live in one of those towns where you run into everyone eventually). My mother just told me that she’d run into him a few days ago (he looked embarrassed — he should).

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Counting the ways on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Just love your website!

I too have been recently inducted into the “jilted” club. My ex and I were together for over five years. I have a couple of questions for you.

1. What kind of guy asks you to relocate over 1,000 miles (to start a new life), does nothing with it when we get there (I did) and then three months into this new start decides he’s not happy and wants out and — here’s the kicker — has not been happy for over three years? Are his expectations too high? Is he looking for perfection? Is he chasing rainbows? Is he depressed?

2. So I left because I was not feeling loved, wanted, or needed. Did I leave in haste? How can I read the signs for the next relationship? To know when to quit?

3. He has corresponded a couple of times since I left him. He’s slightly off the mark with some of his comments/statements. Should I try to set him straight or just file the letters and forget I never knew him?

Three more points and all the answers after the jump

Still smarting on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been in a state of depression for the past year. It has been just over a year since my girlfriend walked out on me in a restaurant, never to be seen again. I found lots of your advice helpful; and I even couldn’t resist sending your “Wish You Were Here” card.

I was very much in love, and then nothing. I thought of marrying her, and looked forward to having children. I guess I’m better off in the long run, but as you know, it still hurts.

Around Christmas last year, she sent me a letter telling me how wonderful I am. I took this as a sign that she might want to get back together, but she just responded that no, that wasn’t her intention, she just wanted to “wish me the best” and “by the way, I’ve met this really nice guy.”

I’m very hurt, sad, and angry. I know I should move on, but it scares me so. When you give someone your heart and soul, and they reject it after a 2+ year relationship, one hesitates to get involved again. I’ll visit your pages for more inspiration from time to time. You’ve made me feel a bit better, but there’s still a long way to go to regain my self-esteem. Thanks for listening.

— Michael

Read BG’s reply after the jump…

Moving on on June 1, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend broke up with me about three months ago for (at the time not much of a reason other than “I love you but I need to do this right now” and “I am bored”). Quite contradictory, I know, but anyway…we have remained close friends throughout this and now we are going to the prom. Then he drops the bomb that he is seeing someone and is that OK? I feel heart-broken again because I didn’t think he was moving on quite yet. I feel like we are extremely compatible and are meant for each other, I truly believe that. It seems that nobody (not even me) understands our relationship. Here is the question: If I am “supposed” to move on and am not, then does that mean that this love that I have fallen into is meant to be? I am not obsessed or anything, I just want to know if there is anything left to do!

— Jolene

BG schools Jolene after the jump …

Keeping up appearances on June 1, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend has been really busy lately and things haven’t been going well. (Busy with soccer, work, scouts, church, etc.) I still love him a lot but I think he is uncertain of his feelings for me and broke up with me. I have been trying really hard to be cheery around him (it’s working quite well) so that he won’t feel powerful over me and I’m trying to make him like me again and realize what he’s missing out on. If you could help me find ways to get him back, I’d appreciate it a lot. I smiled at him and said “hi” in the halls today at school and he’s looking about how I feel (he looked upset — sad/angry/depressed — I couldn’t really tell but he was surely upset). Also, I’m a freshman and he’s a junior and he asked me to prom about a month ago. I’ve got the dress, the shoes, the hair appointment, and when he broke up with me he said he still wanted to go but I don’t know if I should or not. Do I go with him as friends? I am not sure he even wants to go — maybe he’s just being nice. And what if I end up going and have a terrible time or realize how much I miss him and start crying? Please help. Thanks.

— Lisa

BG thinks outside the corsage box after the jump

Special shoutout from June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Just discovered your website and it’s lovely. Congrats on great design and good common-sense advice. I also wanted to share a breakup story with others. I was involved for years (off-and-on) with someone who I came to believe was my soulmate. Unfortunately, he had a teensy little problem–he didn’t want to be with me, although he said he loved me. Not being the most pathetic person on the face of the planet (only the second-most pathetic), I finally broke it off. A year later, I was still in pain. Then, I met a man through an internet personal service. The day I met him, I stopped thinking about my lost love. My internet man and I are now living together and I’m as sure as one can be that this is for life.

Now, I believe that we have to heal ourselves and can’t look to another person to do it. I was starting to heal when I met my current man, but falling in love again sure helped. And I also realized that, problematic as my earlier relationship had been, it also got me in touch with my need for love and passion so that I was ready when a real love came along. It’s been said many times, but it’s true. First you gotta love yourself. Then love will always follow. Good luck to you and your website.

— Redsonja

Breakup Girl responds: Did everyone get that part about not holding out for a healer — and doing it ourselves? Yep. It’s like what I told MixMasterMama/Scab Picker last week: make the breakup tape; don’t send it. Don’t make your Moving On contingent on some hoped-for re/action by the other person. Just wanted to highlight that.

Mixing it up on June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I seem to be riding the breakup wave — mildly okay with the whole thing one minute, wanting to do damage to myself the rest of the time. In an effort to try and feel better, I’ve been listening to all the music that might not make me feel better, but that makes me feel like someone else “knows my pain.” My dilemma is this: do I send my ex a mix tape of all the songs that express what I was never able to say? I think that 90 minutes of Ani, Jim Croce, Mary J. Blige, etc. would be a nice little purging. What do you think?

— Scab Picker, or Mix Master Mama?

Dear, well, Scab Picker,

Here’s the problem. 90 minutes of Ani, Jim, and Mary means at least three weeks of SP/MMM waiting by the phone/mailbox/computer for His Response. Which is not guaranteed to be satisfying, or, in fact, to come. And where does that get you? The term “loop” — as opposed to “fast forward” — springs to mind.

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Summer leavin’ from June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Love you, love your column! THE love of my life destroyed me last summer and I still haven’t gotten over him. I have dated a whole bunch of men, tried to keep busy etc….but can’t stop feeling that I have lost the best thing I ever had. I just keep thinking I don’t want him to be happy because I am not. I thought I was doing well for a long time but lately it has all come back to me. Help me! I want my ex out of my head.

— Hopeful to Heal

Dear Hopeful,

You did lose the best thing you ever had. Until that point. And at this point, it’s all coming back to you because, well, you still know what you did last summer. I mean, really, the teeniest things — the whiff of a scent, the note of a song — remind us of loves and losses; how ’bout when that reminder is … the sun ?! And so, even at this time of increased slothitude, you’ve got to do more than “keep busy.” You’ve gone past the statute of limitations for “distractions.” You are still just treading water, gulping brine into your empty heart and lungs. You said it yourself: you do not want him to be happy because you are not happy. This is the problem: not getting over him, but changing what’s around you. What will make you happy (no fair saying “him”)? Grad school, a road trip, new curtains? Figure it out. For real. And at the risk of sounding glib, DO THAT.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Getting un-stuck on June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

You may remember me as the one whose boyfriend dumped me by cassette tape last year [that’s another story for another column — BG]. Since then we have broken up and gotten back together probably five or six times. After the last breakup we decided to be “friends” but started having four-hour-long online conversations that revolved mostly around cybersex. Perhaps I can be forgiven for thinking that this was going to be the beginning of the NEXT phase of our relationship … until last week when I forced the issue and flat-out asked him if he’d already found someone else that he was seeing…and he said yes. When I said, “You’ve been having those conversations with ME and seeing someone else?” he told me to stop giving him my “self-righteous bullsh*t.” (Keep in mind we’ve been seeing each other on and off for four years.) Anyway, my question — yes, what IS my question, you are asking — is, even though the guy is a louse, and seems incapable of being honest with me, and clearly doesn’t care much about me…WHY CAN I NOT SEEM TO GET HIM OUT OF MY SYSTEM? Thanks for any insight you might have: your website, Jonathan Kellerman books, and Haagen-Dazs “Dulce de Leche” ice cream are the only things keeping me going right now.

— PerpetuaG

Breakup Girl’s response after the jump

Trying to move on on June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, I can’t believe I’m doing this, because I know the answer. The answer is to get over him, but I guess my question is how. I’ve been in love for four years with someone. He’s been unreliable, I’ve sworn never to see him, then he appears all lovable, etc. Old story. Two nights ago he told me on the phone that he’s getting back together with his ex-girlfriend, one of the two women he’s ever loved (no, the other is not Mom; however, it’s not me, either).

Okay, so get over him, move on. But I miss him. And everything I like to do reminds me of him (or her — every time I see a redhead now, I want to spit). And Breakup Girl, I’m so tired. I could take a class, I could go out with friends, I could this, I could that, and it all feels like just filling up time until either he comes to his senses or I die of old age in my studio apartment with my cat. I think I need chicken soup for the soul, or a good old-fashioned spring tonic. Any recipes?

— Christine

Read BG’s answer after the jump