He’s probably single, ladies … February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating a girl for two and a half years now. We are unofficially engaged, I guess. I bought her a small diamond ring last year as a gift and she like to tell people it is an engagement ring. We have been living together for about five months now. I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to marry, much less be with her anymore. But due to the lease, I am not sure on how to go about breaking up with her? Any suggestions?

— Torn

 
Dear Torn,

You do realize that the lease is the least of your worries. Couples don’t consult each other about the best time for a breakup, much less their landlords. (Though Breakup Girl’s landlord does threaten to reclaim her apartment if he and his wife ever split up. But that’s another story for another day.)

Anyway, that ring’s the thing I’m worried about. Guys, even in this funky day and age, where women propose and men take their wives’ names, you just don’t just give your girlfriend a “small diamond ring” and think to yourself, “Well, she knows it’s not THAT kind of ring!” You just don’t. So if you want to break up with her, you need to break up with her the way anyone does. Gently, firmly, clearly. I don’t want you — either of you — writing back to me saying, “We are unofficially broken up, I guess.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

The esteemed Onion News Network reports that the nation’s girlfriends have put foward an economic plan that could save the country over $200 billion — let’s move in together!

Nation’s Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: ‘Let’s Move In Together’

The dog days of February 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I lived with Dave for three years. Asked him to move out two months ago. He is gone, but his stuff (most of it) is still here (and his dog — I want the dog). He refuses to give me back his key to my house because he wants to be able to “see” the dog when ever he wants to. How do I flush him (he’s a plumber), get rid of his stuff, keep the dog, and get my key? Thus going on with my life?

— Margie

Dear Margie,

Sorry, sistah. If visitation isn’t working, all items — canine and otherwise — must go back to their original owner. Get your own dog.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Ask Lynn, Breakup Girl’s alter ego’s advice column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com), is now being updated monthly rather than weekly, so now you’ll get two new letters each month…

1. Warhammer Widow feels like she comes in second to her beau’s gaming — but then, so does paying his car insurance. Eeep!

2. Confused and Hurt, who is not a virgin herself, has a boyfriend who said he was. That is, until he finally admitted that she wasn’t his first. This is both confusing (why lie?) and hurtful (the lies!).

Living in sin on January 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend and I are engaged to be married this fall. We recently decided to move in together to help cut down on the costs of living separately. We both looked forward to the idea of saving money until we approached his parents with the idea. Needless to say, we took them by surprise. His parents are very much against the idea of us moving in together before we are married. They have said that if we do go through with moving in together, we need to get married first. My boyfriend and I are really unsure as to how to handle his parents’ actions. There is no way for us to get married before our set date in the fall; my boyfriend is finishing up college and I still need to save up a little more money for our wedding. What is the polite way to tell my boyfriend’s parents to leave us alone, and that we plan to move in together with or without their blessing? And should we just tell them to butt out since they aren’t helping to pay for any of the wedding? This conflict with his parents is taking its toll on my boyfriend and me.

— Unsure in Missouri

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A foreign occupation landing January 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met a girl 10 years younger than me about three weeks before being sent to Bosnia with the military. She moved into my apartment and is taking care of all my affairs. I have found that she drives me up the wall and I know for a fact that she isn’t the one for me. However, she has our marriage and life all planned out. I have tried to get her to understand that she doesn’t even know who I am, but she says she will change her whole life just to please me. I hate this and I really would like to hear what you — as a super-female — would do?

— GI John

 
Dear GI John,

Gals, just a tip: if your man would rather be in Bosnia than at home with you, you two need to talk.

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Today’s NYT: Father, son, and father’s ex (son’s mother) — not to mention father’s parents, plus bonus parrot — with names like Phoenix, Mercury, and Coke Wisdom, live in super-quirky aggro-boho splendor in a vast spread in the Upper West Side’s fabled Ansonia.

“Sunny is not the first ex-girlfriend of Coke’s who has lived with us,” [Coke’s mother] said. She later added, “I think she’s quite resentful that Coke brings girlfriends home,” she said. (Dude!) “What he needs to do, in my opinion, is get a studio and sometimes have girls over there.”

But Coke’s hookups aren’t the only folks who wind up spending the night. “They take in strays,” said [a friend]. “When I say that, I mean that — dogs, cats, people. It’s just they’re totally open.”

Example:

Georgia O’Neal [Coke’s sister], now an organic farmer in Loudoun County, Va., recalled coming home after college to find a handsome, guitar-playing friend of Coke’s camped out on the living room floor. She wound up dating him for two years. “People would ask me, ‘Where did you meet your boyfriend?’ ” she said. “And I was like, ‘I met him sleeping on the floor of my parents’ living room.’”

So if you’re looking to meet someone, perhaps knock on their door? According to the Times, they’re in 11L.

You’re never too old to have a cool roommate! Dig the shared digs of these hip “spinsters”*.

* Hey, that’s what the younger one calls herself. Reclaim on!

Last month I remarked in my post about status-starved Japanese girls that I’d love to be “New York-married” (my friend Kristyn’s phrase for having a live-in boy/girlfriend) so that I could go halfsies on the rent for my one-bedroom flat.

But I’d better never find myself New York-divorced, lest I wind up having to reconfigure that 1br into a “cozy 2br share!” like some no-longer-couples are being forced to do, says this AP story from last week. It’s the economy, snookums!

“With the recession and the collapse of the housing market, more and more couples who have broken up are continuing to live under the same roof, according to judges and divorce lawyers. Some are waiting for housing prices to rebound; some are trying to get back on their feet financially.”

And some, I suppose, are Netflixing a movie or two to help find a thread of black humor in the whole sucky sitch. And watching them from their half of the couch.

Wondering if you should take the plunge and move in together? Sounds daunting enough as it is. Now try this: you and your beloved are in a spiritual partnership rooted in a commitment to always stay within 15 feet of each other — and your love nest is a 22-foot-wide yurt in the middle of the Arizona desert.

Oh, and you’ve both taken a vow of celibacy.

According to a recent feature in the New York Times, the relationship between acclaimed Buddhist teachers Michael Roach (also a monk) and Christie McNally — which includes eating off the same plate (to allow for a smaller drying rack, I’m guessing) and non-sexual touching (some don’t buy it) — has aroused both praise from their followers and fury from the Tibetan Buddhist community (wherein monks are prohibited from having partners). Their “insistence that they share both purity and intimacy drives traditionalists to distraction,” according to the Times. The Dalai Lama himself: not a fan.

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