News flash: boys are icky, dateline March 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have recently moved into a new apartment with a guy, we’ll call him “Brutus,” who I hardly knew. Then the first night we moved in together Brutus and I messed around. Three months have passed since then and I feel like I am pretty much “in love” with him or something quite like it. Problem is, I am quickly falling OUT of love with him due to all of the gross little bodily things that you see everyday when you live with someone. I don’t know how to cool things off with him without going through some big, torrid fiasco and someone moving out — I mean I like being his roommate…but not his girlfriend. I just want to quit messing around with him. Oh yeah, also he always tells me he loves me….uh OH!!!! How can I not hurt him??? Please Advise!!!

–Grossed Out By Bodily Function Brutus

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Have you ever lied that you have cancer to get out of a relationship? What if the relationship is already pretty out-there, as in the case of the 19-year-old lad dating the wife of Northern Ireland’s First Minister? Young Kirk McCambley told Mrs. Robinson (yep, that’s her name!) he had testicular cancer to end the affair.

In honor of Ireland’s sex scandal, The Globe And Mail‘s Dave McGinn susses out what lies might be okay to tell when breaking up. And when Ireland calls, BG answers:

“A white lie that is okay to tell is one where what you are really doing is trying to preserve the other person’s feelings. A whopper is where you’re just trying to not even deal with this at all. You’re trying to save yourself,” says Lynn Harris, co-founder of the relationship advice website BreakupGirl.net.

Read the article here and tell us your own breakup whoppers!

Second thoughts from March 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

For the past three months I have been dating this guy. We started out as friends working together and things developed from there. Well, now that I have spent a lot of time with him I realize that maybe we should have remained just friends. Now the problem is that he is in love with me and wants a long-term relationship. I want to concentrate on my career right now and have no time for such a serious relationship. I really care for him but I don’t want to stay in this relationship but I don’t want to hurt him either. Help!

— Raven

Dear Raven,

My best friend and I have this joke where if someone asks one of us, “How’s your love life?” we always say, “My CAREER is going GREAT!” Even after like six years, we still find this side-splitting. Usually.

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Classic wisdom from March 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a friend who wants to break up with her boyfriend. Unfortunately, he got laid off the day she wanted to “do the deed.” She (politely) opted not to tell him and has continued to go on with the relationship until she can find a more “suitable” time to let him go. My question is, what’s the holdover time on breaking up after a lay-off?

— Shady

Dear Shady,

When Breakup Girl was 13, Breakup Mom had a routine checkup with a doctor who, it turned out, wasn’t quite convinced that she was getting enough rest or taking kind enough care of Numero Uno. Mom dismissed the concern, saying, “Well, I’m sure it’s just because my daughter’s bat mitzvah is coming up.” The doctor raised an eybrow. “Mrs. Breakup,” he said wisely, “there’s always a bat mitzvah.”

Meaning what? That there’s always some intervening concern, some source of angst that can conveniently explain away why we haven’t quite joined the gym or spent more quality time with our families or … gone through with a breakup. So. Your friend (“friend?”) was right to spare him the brush-off the very day of the lay-off, but really only a few days after that would be sufficient. Don’t let her let the lay-off become an excuse, a stalling chip.

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Taking the leap on February 23, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am a perfectly attractive, intelligent, successful, and talented young lady in my early 20s. I am also incredibly shy and so, I never got into the whole dating/relationship scene (yes, I am for real!). So I have a couple of questions: 1) Is it too late for me now, since everyone else has at least 7 or 8 years on me of experience? And does my delay mean there is something inherently wrong with me? 2) How do I go about it now that I’m out of the high school/college scene and working? I’ve just moved to a new city and know absolutely no one! and 3) is it even worth it after all the horror stories I keep hearing in your advice columns? These are three mysteries of life I’ve been pondering for a while now and can’t seem to find anyone else who can answer them.

— A Basket Case in C

Dear Basket Case,

You do realize, of course, that the people with all this “experience” are the same people with all the “horror stories.”

You’ll be fine.

Love,
Breakup Girl

He’s probably single, ladies … February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating a girl for two and a half years now. We are unofficially engaged, I guess. I bought her a small diamond ring last year as a gift and she like to tell people it is an engagement ring. We have been living together for about five months now. I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to marry, much less be with her anymore. But due to the lease, I am not sure on how to go about breaking up with her? Any suggestions?

— Torn

 
Dear Torn,

You do realize that the lease is the least of your worries. Couples don’t consult each other about the best time for a breakup, much less their landlords. (Though Breakup Girl’s landlord does threaten to reclaim her apartment if he and his wife ever split up. But that’s another story for another day.)

Anyway, that ring’s the thing I’m worried about. Guys, even in this funky day and age, where women propose and men take their wives’ names, you just don’t just give your girlfriend a “small diamond ring” and think to yourself, “Well, she knows it’s not THAT kind of ring!” You just don’t. So if you want to break up with her, you need to break up with her the way anyone does. Gently, firmly, clearly. I don’t want you — either of you — writing back to me saying, “We are unofficially broken up, I guess.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

Not paying attention on January 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
How do you know if a guy likes you or not?
–Julie

Dear Julie,
Who remembers?
Oh, you mean “likes you.”
Love, 
Breakup Girl

Getting down to basics on January 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

How do I french-kiss a girl? I need exact steps on how to do it because I’m going out with this girl I met and I don’t want to act stupid not knowing how to french-kiss her. Can you please help me?

— Jason

Dear Jason,

Not really, but there’s someone I think you ought to meet.

Love,
Breakup Girl

A rough outline from January 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I want to break up with my boyfriend of 5 years, because we are not compatible long-term (read: marriage). I should have done this many years ago, but I loved him and couldn’t. Now although I still love him, I think I finally have the courage to tell him I want out, but I don’t know how to broach the subject. I have thought of an approach where I discuss:

1) The current situation (i.e. everything that’s going wrong)
2) His future plans and mine (i.e. that they’re incompatible)
3) Therefore, we need to split.

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Breaking free on January 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

How do I tell the man that I’m engaged to that I don’t want to marry him anymore and that I want to move out?

— Heather

Dear Heather,

I would mumble.

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. Other than that — Breakup Girl has said this before, and she will no doubt say it again — just tell the plain old icky truth. Sugar-coating or BSing will only make it worse. Also, if you truly do want out, mumble — I mean, speak up — soon. The closer you get to your wedding date, the harder it will get for you to do what you need to, and the more nuclear the fallout will be.