Dear Breakup Girl,

I have two issues/questions. The first is about getting over the breakup of my marriage. I am in the process of getting a divorce.

It is hard for me because we have a child, and I don’t get to say see ya and move on. I have to deal with him almost daily on visitation or money issues, and he is living with his girlfriend with whom he cheated while we were together. I hate seeing the cozy little family he has created without me, but I want my son to be able to continue to see his dad. Any ideas on how to deal with all this?

The other issue is that my friends want to set me up, and I would like to get out and about again, but I have been a stay at home mom, and haven’t had much of a life lately. I don’t know if I am ready, even for Transition man. Transition man, by the way, has been defined to me as the guy you don’t take home to mom and dad or your kids as the case may be, but who keeps you company in a rough time. I am definitely not looking for anything more, it will take me awhile to get past the betrayal and history, but I would like somebody to take me to the movies, etc. Where does Breakup Girl suggest I start?

— Looking for Transition Man

BG’s advice after the jump!

Dear Breakup Girl,

Short and sweet (bitter): He broke up with me six months ago. I essentially supported him for half the relationship (which, granted, was only four months long– a personal record– and which I did very enthusiastically.) He is a writer and was extremely depressed about his lack of success. He had written a great novel which I encouraged him to keep hustling. I spoke to him recently. He sold the manuscript. To a huge major publisher. I am not aschadenfreude kind of girl. I was genuinely happy for him. However, now it seems I cannot stop crying. I mean, I’ve been pretty upset in general, hard getting over him etc., but now I’m a bit of a basket case. Also, he was going to take me on this great vacation when he finally got some money….

A friend of mine broke up with someone who then won the Pulitzer prize. But she broke up with him.

Look, I know I’m not personally fulfilled (I’m a writer too blah blah blah and not actualizing a lot of opportunities blah blah, my shrink’s away…) and that’s why I feel empty and crazy as a result of this news, however I just want to know that he is aware of the fact that it would be a nice gesture if he say, said thanks, or offered to buy me a drink (I wouldn’t go, I mean I know that wouldn’t be healthyblahblah…) but I think maybe it hasn’t occurred to him and this is what makes me very very unhappy. Very. I feel sick. And I fantasize about floating gay rumors that will forever haunt him. Not in a bad way… Help?

— Basket Case

BG’s wisdom after the jump!

Dear Breakup Girl,

My divorce was final a year ago. I had the opportunity to take my ex to the cleaners, so to speak, in court (nude pics of him and his lover in a hotel room and information regarding his affiliation with a prostitute). However, I chose not to give all my money fighting in the courts and settled out of court. I sometimes regret my decision — only because I want him to know what I know about his affair and his affiliation with a known prostitute. He prides himself on being a “highly moral and ethical person” (he is psychologist). I still have all the documentation I had planned on using in court…and have contemplated on sending it to his new bride (he mail ordered her from Russia via the Internet). Or just giving the info to him…to let him know he may have thought he got on over on me….but there are others that now know of his less reputable side. Should I simply leave well enough alone…my head says I should….my heart says I still want to hurt him as he did me. What do you think?

— Beeja

Dear Beeja,

Don’t leave well enough alone. Leave hellish enough alone.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.

Getting ugly on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am 22 years old and never had a relationship. Every guy I met has used me for money and sex. I have always been so nice and caring, the most sweetest person to men, even helping them out financially when they need it. (I don’t want to get into the amount of money I gave men, because you probably will be shocked.) From the age of 17, I started sleeping with men just for the hopes of a relationship, so they’d like me, etc., plus they told me all the things I wanted to hear. Me being very shy and unattractive, I would become very happy from hearing a compliment. I also learned that if I said no to sex, the guy would leave and I’d never see him again. However, last year one guy did not accept “no” and I was raped. The whole court ordeal lasted one year and I was not able to date anyone. Yes, I did go to rape therapy for that year. It helped, because I still didn’t give up on men after that. I basically just dealt with it and accepted it. When I was finally able to start seeing men again, my friend hooked me up with this guy. It took me a while to trust him, but finally I did and I slept with him (which was a pretty big step for me at this point). Of course, he didn’t want to be my boyfriend, but to me that was “normal.” I just blamed it on my looks. I found out he was married. This devastated me because again, I trusted someone and shame on me. I think I have heard all the lines by now. I saw another guy for two weeks right after the married one, but he didn’t want to be my boyfriend either, even though I spent every day with him. I took care of him when he was sick in bed for several days. I gave him rides all the time in my car. He told me he loved me, even though sometimes he put me down about my weight and how I looked. But I never slept with him, so he ended up leaving me. He got in a relationship with some one else within a matter of days. I could go on and on about the many other guys I’ve tried to be with, but I’ll spare you the misery. They all have practically the same scenario, same ending. I really feel that all I am good enough for is sex and my money. It hurts to think that all I did for each guy didn’t mean nothing to them. Sometimes it hurts to look in the mirror. Please help me.

–Melanie

BG’s advice after the jump!

This house is not a home on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I think I’m going insane. I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years and nine months. We’ve also lived together for about two and a half years… We still have to live together because neither of us has the money or the means to move out. We have our own rooms, so that makes the situation at least livable. I don’t want him back at all and the feeling is quite mutual; in fact I don’t know why I stuck it out in the relationship so long to begin with.

Anyway, I’m saving up so that I can move out. It’s been about a week since the breakup and I haven’t even cried yet (nor have I felt the urge to). Unfortunately loneliness is starting to hit me like a freight train and I really find myself craving male companionship and affection like some sort of psycho co-dependent weakling. But my ex seems to be taking the breakup so well– I haven’t seen even one smidge of sadness or regret in his face. Then again, one of my main problems with him was that he was about as caring, warm and romantic as a frosty bottle of liquid nitrogen.

(more…)

The party’s over on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for the last five years, and we’ve lived together for three. Before we moved in together, my mother and other family members kept objecting because “it wasn’t right” to live with someone before you were married. Of course I answered that their morals didn’t apply to me. Now I wish someone had told me the real reason, which is when you want to get out of the situation, you’re a lot more stuck than if you weren’t sharing the same house.

When we started going out, it was a fling — we both agreed that it was just one night, but kept seeing each other anyway and it sort of grew from there into the best relationship I’ve ever had. He’s one of only two guys I’ve really loved (and I’ve sown enough wild oats to know what I’m talking about); we always seemed to have a truly fantastic relationship — I really thought he was The One.

After he graduated from college (I’m a year older) we broke up for awhile while he moved to the west coast, but he came back after a few months because he decided that our relationship was more important than whatever he was going to do out there and that he was probably just going through a commitment freaking-out phase. Silly me, I thought this was OK and let him move into my new house.

(more…)

Caught in a trap on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

TRUST, OR BETRAYAL ???

My girl of 15 months went to a conference 5-6 hours drive away. She left Tuesday and was supposed to be back late Thursday night or Friday depending on how much money she had left. We were trying to sort through our problems at the time. Her ex-husband and former “soulmate” lived in the city where she was going. We talked about that. She assured me that it was completely over 4 years ago, and that their only contact would be when she dropped off (on arrival) and picked up (at departure) their 7-year-old child. She also has a 16-year-old from another man. She is in her mid 30’s.

Wednesday night she had already checked out of the hotel where the conference was at, and where she was supposed to be staying, when I called her. The hotel said she checked out at noon. I had last talked to her at 2 or 3 PM. She did not tell me that she had checked out. She did not come home Wednesday night. Thursday she called and left me a message, in reply to my worried queries to the conference coordinator, saying that she had checked into this other hotel Wednesday night. Her message also said that she loves me. She did not try to reach me at home later or set a time to chat. She did not come home Thursday night. I left her messages.

(more…)

The Predicament of the Week from August 31, 1998…

Readers will recall that Brad’s original predicament vaulted into Of the Week status the moment he recounted that the girl who wanted to hang out, hold hands, snuggle — and just be friends — went so far as to bake him a cake. (Thus serving up, for Brad, immense confusion, and for Breakup Girl, a veritable dessert tray of metaphors).A week later, the frosting thickened, and our man B. got in trouble for being nice-guy-shoulder/pastry-chef — not, say, Boyfriend — for the women he loved. And now, Brad is back, setting a BG record for number of P of the W appearances…and prompting a sugar-free response.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I really, really hate to keep bothering you. By now, though, you have realized that my life is nothing more than a soap opera — and not one of the easy-to-understand ones, either. No, my life has to be one of the most complicated soap operas around.

This time, it has nothing to do with Lynore or all those other girls that I’ve said anything about before. In fact, I still haven’t seen Lynore (that guy moved away, but she’s still living with his family and being antisocial, waiting for him to return). As for the other girls I have previously mentioned, I’ve not made any special efforts to contact them. I called a couple of them once or twice, but the conversations were filled mostly with silence. After hanging up the phone, I decided that if they REALLY want to talk to me, then they can call me themselves. Otherwise, I’m no longer a part of their lives, which is just fine with me.

Unfortunately for me, I have a lot of girls in my past, and one of them has come back to haunt me lately. No, she’s not the ex-girlfriend whose photograph I altered so that she had a huge, huge grin and enormous eyes like those of a surprised cartoon character. This girl is one that I had a huge crush on for almost three years. In fact, I had myself convinced that I was in LOVE with her for over a year of that time.

(more…)

Sh*t is about to get real on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

First I just have to say I really enjoy reading your advice and it has helped me through some tough choices. Now I had better get to the point. I am 17 y/o female who lives in Canada and I have been “dating” a 19 y/o guy from Germany. It is an online relationship. Neither of us believed in “online love” until it happened to us. First we were friends and then one thing led to another… we have been together for a year. Anyway we both really love each other, but sometimes I feel he loves me more. I know he is great– sweet, honest, loving, funny– but for some reason I find myself overlooking those things. Lately I have been stuck on “do we have a future together” and “is he the one?” You are probably wondering why I am worrying about such major issues when we only have an “online” relationship. The answer is, in fact, he has an opportunity to come visit me in about 3 months. We had began to plan a couple other trips early in our relationship but for various reasons, namely money, things didn’t work out. I am glad that they didn’t then because I wasn’t “ready” for such a big step. Now though, the latest opportunity seems great! When I have first heard about it I was so thrilled beyond belief. But now the time is approaching that he must buy a plane ticket, etc. within the next few weeks. I am now beginning to panic. A major problem is asking my parents, whom I don’t have a very open relationship with. (Maybe Breakup Mom has some tips.) Lately (in my panic state) I have been wondering more and more about if he is “the one” and if its worth us meeting. It will cost him a few grand and his holiday time, but it is costing me nothing. Still I don’t know if we should meet. Can you PLEASE help me… I need an answer ASAP and well if you can’t help then somehow I’m going to have to decide on my own. *Scary.*

Thanks a million.
— Confused in Canada

BG and her mom respond after the jump!

Separation anxiety on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost four years, and we have a very close relationship. We have even talked about marriage. Now, he is seriously considering a job that would require him to be out of the state during the week. He would still be home on weekends, and hopes to eventually work from home several days during the week. He’s in a “golden handcuffs” situation with his current job; there’ll be a big financial payoff if he sticks around a few more years, but he’s dissatisfied with the job, and feels unrewarded. This new opportunity would pay a higher salary, but the long-term successof the company is questionable, and he’s heard many negative reports about the man who would be his boss.

Anyway, I want to be the supportive girlfriend, and I truly believe that if the new job is the better opportunity, he should take it, regardless of the “sure thing” he has with his current job. Happiness is worth more than money, I say. However, the thought of being apart all week does not make me very happy. I’m not saying that it couldn’t work, but when you’re used to seeing someone every day, it’s a bitter pill to swallow!

Worse than that, though, is his lack of concern over this issue.Throughout all of his deliberations over the job, he never mentioned our relationship. Finally, noting that I hadn’t had much to say on the issue, he asked me for my opinion. I said that although the job sounds good, I couldn’t believe that he hadn’t even considered the impact this would have on our relationship. Even a “Gee, I’ll really miss you — we’ll have to make up for it on the weekends!” would have been nice! His response was that he really didn’t believe that it would have an impact on the relationship. H E L L O? Is he simply more secure and well-adjusted than I am, or do you think that his career is so important to him that it doesn’t matter whether our relationship will suffer? He’s always talked as though family and friends were his top priorities (with me falling somewhere between those two categories…) but now I wonder if that is true. I’d really love to hear your input on this, because I doubt that either of us are being totally objective at this point.

— Kathleen

BG’s response after the jump!