Smelling desperate on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

What do you do when you have been single for a long time (seven years), steadily dating the entire time, yet are begining to think that you have “REBOUND” tattooed on your forehead!!

That’s exactly how I feel. I can’t seem to attract anyone that’s semi-secure in who they are!! Just a bunch of boys looking for a mother to give them encouragement and pep-talks!!! I don’t think that I have the “stench of desperation,” as one of my friends once put it, but you can only say “it must be everyone else” so many times before you start to ask yourself “IS IT REALLY?”..

So I guess what I want to know is, How is it that now that everything else in my life is going so well and I now have the time and energy to invest into finding that someone special, that it seems I can only find guys that are messed up from previous relationships and seem to want ME to pay for their last girlfriends’ mistakes??

Help!! I refuse to think that its hopeless, but after probably eight guys in seven months (only two were sexual) I’m begining to wonder — ??

Please hurry!!

— Single and Not Willing to Give Up Hope

BG dishes out some hope after the jump!

Reunited, and if feels so good — FOR THEM — on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, I consider myself an intelligent girl. And I am not the type to kid myself over unattainable men. BUT, three years ago I was dating a man who I had been friends with for six years. He had just broken off an engagement, and I was well aware of his being on the rebound. I was newly divorced and not looking to get serious, so it seemed like a good situation for us both. I, however, fell in love . . .hard. And after six months, he left me to reunite with the ex. Well, I considered this a lesson learned: convenient mutual sexual attraction and broken hearts do not make a healthy foundation for a relationship. No more looking for a port in a storm for me. One year later I began seeing a man who I thought was a real possibility for a LTR. We were, I thought having a great time. And I still believe that I wasn’t kidding myself. He was the pursuer from the beginning. Six months into dating, and only one month after having become lovers (so, I can’t believe this was just sex for him to kill time during breakup recovery), he stands me up for a date. I was shocked. He called the next day and tells me he has been in love with his former girlfriend all this time, who he has not mentioned more than in passing in our six months of dating, I swear. Well, she had called him and wanted to talk. One thing led to another and they were reunited. Bye bye. Last month, I met a man, lots in common, great sense of humor, easy to talk to. We go out on our first date, and in the middle of dinner, he starts telling me about his ex. She had called him the previous week and he thinks they may be able to work things out. I feel like Charlie Brown trying to make a field goal! At least the wait is growing shorter with each round.

So my question is, am I completely deluded, or have I got some magical power for the reuniting of former lovers? Find myself a guide book on Reality and How to See It, or open my own business . . .

— Proprietor: Peaches and Herb Escort Service

BG’s discusses Rebound Conduct after the jump!

not feeling the shift-key on july 13, 1998…

NOTE: BG is way too tired to go in and put in uppercase letters where they should be in the following letter.

dear breakup girl,

okay, i am not dumped. i am not suffering from low self-esteem or anything like that, or more honestly, i am not suffering any more than anyone else i know. my problem has to do with an impending dumping. well, not dumping, but an impending end to a relationship. i need help here. i met this guy about a month ago, and he’s really wonderful. not extremely god-like, but he treats me well and he has a heart of gold. he makes me laugh. i have all of the classic signs of really falling for this guy, you know, not eating and getting all giggly and stuff when he’s around as well as an insatiable urge to buy cutesy teddy- bears and sexy lingerie. sounds pretty good huh? well it isn’t. i’m moving across the country in about a month. this is truly the first guy i am beginning to trust since my last relationship… a relationship where i was abused, then terrorized and finally stalked. i feel like i am ready to open up to a guy again, and he is definitely worth it, but the fact that i am leaving so soon makes it hard. am i just kidding myself? am i really not ready and just using my leaving as an excuse for not opening up? if i am i am doing a horrible job of it. subconciously and unconciously (i talk in my sleep) i have shown this guy more of who i am than anyone else in quite some time. the question is: am i still on the rebound of a psycho stalker, and if not, what the hell am i supposed to do?! i am a firm disbeliever in long distance relationships. i know i should have fun, but sometimes that’s easier said than done where the heart is concerned. leaving hangs above me like a dagger.

— the nightingale

bg’s capitals-free response after the jump!

Too much of a good thing on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

OK — I just ended a very emotionally straining relationship ( Rock On for me! ) and I have been trying to get my life back in order. So, to make this a short story, I know this guy — we are friends — he is fun, nice, good-looking….yada, yada, yada — anyway we slept together (first off, not my style — but we were SAFE, so why not ). Anyway, after I felt really weird — so we had “the talk.” The talk of: ” That was just what it was, nothing more. We can remain friends — but we are not going to be a couple. Plus I just got out of something very horrible and I am not looking. Are you cool with that??”

Anyway, he says Yes. I think the world is a grand place.

Now, he is buying me gifts and always hanging around my desk. Finding reasons to come over.

I mention that I like a certain look on a guy to other friends, and he does it. The man has totally dyed his hair, and made other changes. ( I was not saying anything to make him change, I was just saying…if I thought he was really listening I should have said “Antonio Banderas!!”)

And I know how that sounds — “Oh a great guy likes me and he is doing nice things for me…Poor me, Oh how horrible” — but my point is this, I know that he likes me more than I like him. I would never do anything to hurt him. (My ex led me on and I know how that feels, so I won’t repeat it.)

And yet at the same time — Don’t act like we are a couple. Trust me, he will make someone very happy, it just won’t ever be me !!!

(more…)

It’s all about the timing on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

So, it’s like this: Dated Mr. Steady, perfectly compatible for 6 years, lived together for 4+. We went to the same college and grad school, had every intellectual impulse in common, shared values that gave us unspoken ease together — the secret language. There were some dark spots, unfortunately and they sank us: he went from being the most successful guy in the world to having career paralysis that lasted for two years leaving him still solvent but unhappy. Our sex life was never more than tepid and got even quieter every year, but I wrote it off — what the hell, he’s my best friend, I’ll deal. Yes, that meant I suppressed all kinds of wandering/head-turning thoughts and had a series of weird dreams about standing at the altar and wanting to run away. But, being a momentum type person, I started to say it’s time to make some decisions about marriage etc….lemme know by New Year’s, two years ago. Which came and left, leaving us in ashen horror that it was time for someone to break the stasis. I booted him; he went quietly. No loss of love, just this realization that maybe this wasn’t it.

(more…)

In Webster’s dictionary, “rebound” — as in “stocks rebounded quickly from Monday’s decline” — means recovery, the connotation being that you, or the Dow Jones Industrial Average, has already made a healthy comeback. But in Breakup Girl’s dictionary, as you no doubt know, “rebound” — as in “Steve rebounded quickly from Monday’s breakup” — is a means to that end (i.e. Steve has a date/hookup on, say, Tuesday). The rebound doesn’t mean you’re “over it;” it’s part of the process. In the face of loneliness, rejection, and free time, rebounds are your basic fix. They scratch the itch, make us feel wanted and noticed; they remind us that we’ve still got it going on. They are Chicken Soup for the Loins.

At least that’s the idea.

Now, Breakup Girl is not going to get all preachy about whether the act of rebounding is Good or Evil. That all depends. I would, however, like to point out that the context of relationships, the word “rebound” is most frequently used in sentences such as, “Well, it was supposed to be just a rebound, but…” or “S/he didn’t tell me s/he was on the rebound…!”

In other words: it’s just never that simple.

But that’s exactly what Breakup Girl is here for. A few essential points:

(more…)

Trying to upgrade on July 27, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Thanks for being “all that” in the area of compassion, insight, humor, maturity and fun!

This question may be a little risque even for BG but i’m going to give it a shot because I got myself into one heck of a pickle and I need superhero insight right about now. Pleeese!

I met a guy one day who agreed to give me a ride home from work (my first day on the job) and he did. Now mind you, I at the time was just a few short months out of a 6 year marriage from hell and felt that I owed myself a little vacation from real life) and after a little conversation (very little) he and I eased quickly onto the topic of sex and went so far as to actually do it. No you didn’t miss anything, I had actually just met the guy (please don’t tell Breakup Mom. It’s was something had I been in a clearer, stronger more “myself” frame of mind I would never, ever have done), and BG it was so good that…well let’s just say I had no transportation problems for about a year after that. We started spending regular time together like at his place watching t.v. and me or him fixing us sandwiches and just normal things like that but other than a little conversation here and there about the ozone layer or something we didn’t really talk much and get to know each other. The whole time we were doing this I was realizing that if I had let nature takes its course with us in a normal working together situation that he and I could have had a very special platonic friendship.

A few months ago he broke it off with me when one of his relatives died (I had the floozie nerve to try to be there for him), a loss that he took incredibly hard and left me feeling like I’d lost: 1) a potentially good platonic friend, 2) the obvious loss of his company and 3) the loss of what “could have been” had I not just thrown it away on a one night stand that went into overtime.

(more…)

Faking it on July 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This past weekend I went on a bike trip and met two other people, who, like me, were on the rebound. We ended up in a big discussion of the Ex-Files. I told them about my ex, and how we fixed up a couple who are getting married next year. I realize it’s a little early to flip out about this wedding, but I am already way nervous about it. Both people in the couple are really good friends of ours, and they have resolved or at least found a way to live with the issue we couldn’t deal with (religious differences). So it’s going to be scary.

My new-found friends semi-jokingly suggested that if I don’t have a date I really like by the time the wedding rolls around, I should appear on the arm of a tall, cute actor who can play the role of the kind of guy he would feel really overwhelmed next to (in this case, an academic with tenure and three published books would be great).

Question: is this good advice? I have already been joking that I may need a date, a hip flask, and possibly a straitjacket to survive this one (especially as I will probably be asked to do something during the ceremony, like read or sing). I am not in a big hurry to get involved with someone, so it is quite likely I will not be bringing my own date (someone of reasonable duration) to said wedding.

Would a fake date help?

— Reenie

Dear Reenie,

Nope. Bringing a fake date is way lamer than being The Diva Who Dared Come Alone. It is a “Coach” plot waiting to happen, without the nice clean wrap-up in 30 minutes.

Anyway, all of your “faking” energy will be channeled into holding your head high. But you — you, singular — can do it.

Love,
Breakup Girl

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn advises Second Best who seems to be the first woman that boys date after they’ve been dumped:

The past three men I’ve dated have all, unbeknownst to me, been on the rebound. The first one broke my heart, and I ran as fast as I could from the next two after the rebound signs showed up early.

Now that a fourth guy is following the same pattern, should she try again, or should Second Best be the first to jump ship? Read the full letter and Lynn’s response at Happen, then add your own thoughts below!

Reading the signs on April 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m just wondering: if a girl whom you have known for a year suddenly tells you that:
a) she broke up with her boyfriend
b) you’re born under the same astrological sign (birthdays one day apart) as her ex-boyfriend, and
c) apart from that, however, you’re nothing like him,
What does this mean?

She likes you? Yes, no, maybe.

— Tiger Man

Dear Tiger,

Yes, she likes you. But if you want to be safe, I’d wait until Rebound goes into retrograde.

Love,
Breakup Girl