A sad ending on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am, I think, as of today, finally extricating myself from a relationship that was horrible and sad, from a man I love(d) with all my heart. I feel so awful, looking around the house we just moved into, and seeing our whole life that we had built together (hanging pictures, watering the plants, meals together, etc.), and I feel like I’ve wasted so much time and tried so hard, for a man who, ultimately, was so wrong for me. I feel guilty for letting my elation and infatuation get in the way of all the alarms in my head at the beginning, and postponing the end for years(!) until we do nothing but hurt each other, and still know we love each other. Although the insurmountable reason I’m giving up is that he’s attached to another woman and can’t/won’t let go, I realize our problems were so big that she is really just the catalyst.

I’m an intelligent woman– I pride myself on being positive and optimistic– do I have to become cynical and build the walls I hate in others to someday achieve a healthy relationship? Or, will I just punish the next guys for what I’ve been through with my past relationships? AND! How does anyone ever really know someone is right for them? It seems like everyone puts their “best foot forward” and then after I’m already sucked in I find out things that would have eliminated them at the start, but by the time the “bad stuff” is evident, I’m already in love and want to try to make it work!

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No boyfriend, no cry, on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m 17 and my boyfriend of almost four months just broke up with me. The problem is, I am not very upset. I cried for about two days, but now I feel fine. I loved him and everything, but I thought I would be more upset. Is this weird?

— Sandy

Dear Sandy,

By plugging these numbers into Breakup Girl’s Supercomputer, I confirmed that 2 days is the exact right amount of time for a 17 year old to cry over a 4-month relationship. You, wisely, did the purgefest that Frantic skipped. Well done. You’re totally fine.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Picking the scab on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend of nearly 6 years broke up with me [nine months ago]…it was hard, but I’ve made good progress in putting my life back together. Except I found out a couple of days ago that he has a new serious girlfriend (they went to Antigua together). Now I can’t stop thinking about our breakup…this little bit of information has re-opened the whole emotional wound that had been healing. Do I just wait it out, knowing (somewhere in my logical brain) that the hurt will fade? I had been surfing through one of the personals sites linked to this site, but now I feel like maybe I’m not ready to meet someone new. Help!

— Just K

Dear K,

Antigua!? Of course you’re smarting. Which does NOT mean that you’re not healing. Surf on, dude.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Asked and answered on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I dated a guy for five months and spent basically 24/7 with him. We had a great relationship — in all ways that he even discussed me moving 300 miles away with him.

One day he says to me that he thinks that I want more out of this relationship (ie: marriage) and that it was over. Of course I was shocked and hurt and devestated, but I understood where he was coming from. He never got love and attention at home and wasn’t sure he could give it or even understand it. He says he would like to remain friends and could he call me. I agreed.

Now the problem. Every time we talk, the discussion seems to end up on sex. We did have a great sex life, but we haven’t been together that way in 5 months. I don’t know what he’s thinking. He talks to my friends about me and is constantly asking me if I’m dating.

I’ve told him that all of the above is none of his business but it continues. Should I just say “This is too much. You’re not acting like a friend — more like a jealous boyfriend! Which you’re not, and I can’t do this anymore!” or what? Help!!!

— Shannon

Dear Shannon,

That is exactly what you should say.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Dear Breakup Girl,

Ten years ago I had a very passionate, very wonderful relationship with a man I’ll call Rex. We were very much in love, and, being in our mid-20s, were also immature and somewhat foolish. I broke up because of something that, from my perspective, was totally his fault. I kept all his love letters (we lived on different islands) and when I re-read all of them recently, I discovered that our breakup was as much my fault as his.

Last year I found out that Rex was moving to an island near mine. Not coincidentally, I moved to the same island. I began to fantasize about him and the possibilities for a relationship with him — a more mature and committed relationship.

Well, we saw each other for the first time since the breakup a few months ago, and the meeting was … electric. The spark was still there. However, what I did not know until then was that Rex is here with a “partner.” I later found out that Rex will be asking this woman to marry him.

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not feeling the shift-key on july 13, 1998…

NOTE: BG is way too tired to go in and put in uppercase letters where they should be in the following letter.

dear breakup girl,

okay, i am not dumped. i am not suffering from low self-esteem or anything like that, or more honestly, i am not suffering any more than anyone else i know. my problem has to do with an impending dumping. well, not dumping, but an impending end to a relationship. i need help here. i met this guy about a month ago, and he’s really wonderful. not extremely god-like, but he treats me well and he has a heart of gold. he makes me laugh. i have all of the classic signs of really falling for this guy, you know, not eating and getting all giggly and stuff when he’s around as well as an insatiable urge to buy cutesy teddy- bears and sexy lingerie. sounds pretty good huh? well it isn’t. i’m moving across the country in about a month. this is truly the first guy i am beginning to trust since my last relationship… a relationship where i was abused, then terrorized and finally stalked. i feel like i am ready to open up to a guy again, and he is definitely worth it, but the fact that i am leaving so soon makes it hard. am i just kidding myself? am i really not ready and just using my leaving as an excuse for not opening up? if i am i am doing a horrible job of it. subconciously and unconciously (i talk in my sleep) i have shown this guy more of who i am than anyone else in quite some time. the question is: am i still on the rebound of a psycho stalker, and if not, what the hell am i supposed to do?! i am a firm disbeliever in long distance relationships. i know i should have fun, but sometimes that’s easier said than done where the heart is concerned. leaving hangs above me like a dagger.

— the nightingale

bg’s capitals-free response after the jump!

A cautionary tale from July 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend of a year broke up with me about a month and a half ago, but I still love him very much. I can’t seem to get over him even though he’s been a real jerk to me. All my friends and family said I should break all ties with him, but I can’t. When he broke up with me he said that it was probably only temporary and that he just needed some space. Well, two weeks later he ended up seeing another girl (Jamie) and according to him he likes her a lot. When we broke up he told me he wasn’t going to see anybody because that’s what he wanted to get away from. I’m still trying everything I can to get him back. Right now things between us are really strange. We are only friends, but he kisses me and has sex with me. Recently I asked if he was still seeing her and he said no. Well, according to my x-bestfriend they still are. I believe her because lately he’s been cancelling on me a lot. Recently I did find out from my x-bestfriend that my x-boyfriend cancelled our date just to see Jamie. He also doesn’t want me to see guys. It’s like he wants to date other people but he wants to keep me for himself. I don’t know what to do, help.

— Sarah

BG sifts through the train wreckage after the jump

The Predicament of the Week from July 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I love your column and enjoy browsing your advice. Now I’m in need of some myself.

Boy of My Dreams (BOMD) dumped me last week. Here’s the history. We’ve been together 10 months. Happy, happy, on both sides. We did well at overcoming the inevitable relationship obstacles and enjoyed the time we had together. About two months ago, a betrayal of trust occurred…but it wasn’t what you might think. BOMD lied to me, and I caught him at it. It was a whopper, but really, no serious harm occurred, except to the trust between us. I took some time away for a few days and reevaluated. I decided the relationship was worth it to me. What I didn’t do was forgive him, address why this betrayal occurred, and move on. Another month later, I was still holding this incident against him. BOMD’s frustration with this state of affairs caused him to break up with me. I panicked, realized I hadn’t done my part to get on with things, and convinced him to give it another chance. Which we both wholeheartedly did. So over the last month of the relationship, I did forgive him, I did think about why it happened, and made great efforts to improve our relationship. It worked like a charm. It was easy. We were happy and enjoying each other’s company, and life was good. BOMD admits he was as happy in our relationship as I was.

Here’s the clinker. After a fun evening out with friends, I coyly asked BOMD to come stay at my house…and kind of had to talk him into it. The next morning, I said “You know, it isn’t the end of the world, but my feelings were a little hurt that you wouldn’t want to end such a fun evening with me. But this relationship isn’t a prison — if you need to be away then I’m glad you were honest about it.” Then it all came out.

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Moving … on, July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently moved to Philly to be with my long distance boyfriend. We were “madly in love” and he was telling everyone (including me) he was ready to marry me. So I hopped in my car and moved out. All at once things changed–no big surprise–but he started pushing me away and “flexing his freedom muscles.” Eventually, the relationship could handle no more and so we broke it off. Now, almost two months later, he wants to be friends, but I am having a terrible time. I still love him dearly, but I am still hurt and I can’t stop second guessing myself. I want to move on, but I don’t want him completely out of my life–he’s just too special. How do I do this? Feel comfortable, relax and just be willing to have a good time with him on a platonic frienship level?

— Lorien

Dear Lorien,

Well, Philadelphia is the City of Brotherly Love. Which bodes better for the platonic part than the “madly” part. (Also, Conde Nast Traveler Magazine rated Philadelphia America’s FRIENDLIEST City. Uh oh. Word to the wise: try and relocate to places with slogans more like “…is for Lovers.”)

But look, if you’re not ready to hang out with him, you’re not ready. If it smarts too much now, then give yourself a little more time to keep your distance; it doesn’t mean he’ll always be “out of your life.” I mean, we’re friends with England again, but it took a while.

Speaking of which, did he really say “flexing his freedom muscles?” Euw. He may have taken the tour of Independence Hall one too many times.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Falling backward on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend and I broke up about three months ago, his choice, not mine. After the obligatory period of avoiding each other (while he hooked up with somebody else and I pined away for him), we’re finally becoming friends again. Now, he and and his new girlfriend are having problems, and he’s turning to me to both advise and comfort him with that and other issues. I consider myself mostly over him, but I know that it would take very little from him for me to fall head over heels–again. I know that some part of me is hoping that his aim is to hook up with me again, but I also know I’m only causing myself future trouble by allowing that thought at all. But the way he’s acting around me does seem to indicate some kind of more-than-friends interest. To complicate things further, we’re both going off to college in the fall. So do I allow myself to have dreams of a summer fling (the current girlfriend won’t be around much longer), or do I firmly squash them? It’s unlikely that I’ll find someone else this summer, so it’s not like I’d be putting my life on hold for him. What do I do?

— Wary and Wondering

Dear Wary,

No way should should he be turning to you for advice on your successor. Taaaa-cky, no fair. Forget the fix; you need to chill with your real friends before you go away. I am thus going to echo you and use a word that summer’s zealous overplanters and their neighbors usually wind up with way too much of:

SQUASH.

Love,
Breakup Girl