Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been dating the same guy for a long time. We have an exclusive relationship and have been in love since even before we started going out. We’ve always talked about getting married and we’re beginning to plan in more detail.

Now I always envisioned getting married in this huge church with all my family and all of his family there under the eyes of God and a priest and about 29 bridesmaids and the whole lot. I don’t want to be married in some banquet hall somewhere or some ugly little non denominational chapel by a Justice of Peace (or whatever the hell the alternative is.) I’m Catholic, practicing (even though my parents don’t) since high school, I do community service and the whole nine yards. I believe strongly in God and I even believe that one of my prayers is what brought me and Bill together in the first place. Most of my prayers have been answered….and I’m a happy camper. I don’t go to church EVERY week, or even as often as I used to and don’t get me wrong–I’m no religious fanatic. I just think it’d be nice to be married in a Church. (considering that I never went that often I guess I appreciate it more.)

Which comes to Bill. I always knew he wasn’t practicing ANYTHING even when I met him in high school. That never bothered me one bit (since a lot of really devout religious people in my school were driving me insane at the time…..repent your sins or else you’ll be sent to hell! God doesn’t care if you’re young he doesn’t make exceptions! You have to go to Church twice a day every day or else you’ll be shining Satan’s shoes!) (That’s not really that much of an exaggeration!) Anyway, we fell in love and everything has been wonderful ever since…but I mentioned I wanted to get married in Church, he thinks it’s impossible, and I think he’s right. And it’s breaking my heart.

(more…)

To hell and back on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

BG, I have a dilemma. I have been in a relationship since I was 16 years old for almost 8 years now. We’ve (mostly I) have been through H-E-double-you-know-what and back during the past 8 years. We’ve had a child together, been through “break-up and make-ups”, the other woman crisis (that he still to this day denies),a long separation, you name it, we’ve been through it. Even though we had a rocky relationship in the beginning, things had begun to get better and we hung on to each other. We live together now and we’ve discussed marriage several times and it’s been just that…discussions. No, rings or dates or anything. That’s not my whole problem. My problem is I feel like I’ve been taken for granted for too long. I’m expected to just sit back and go with the flow. I have grown up and matured and I had hoped that our relationship would grow up and mature too. 8 years is a long time to be with someone. I want a mate who is not afraid of commitment (the legal kind as well), someone who is affectionate, not afraid of intimacy, to show love, who knows how to communicate, who doesn’t play games, who knows what love is, all the good things that come with a good, healthy relationship. All the things I and my boyfriend seem to lack in our relationship. I feel like I want more and I deserve more than he is willing to give me. I also feel like I’m being selfish and kind of giving him an ultimatum. But I want to be happy and I can’t continue to live like this and keep waiting for him to one day get a clue! How do I end this relationship when I’ve invested so much and given so much of myself to this person? Should I end this? I’m so confused. We’ve broken up many times before and I took him back hoping that he would keep his promises, but I don’t want to continue that cycle!! Please Help!! Advice!!! I need advice!!

— Ms. Rick

BG’s advice after the jump!

Feeling the pressure on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This urgent request for advice comes to you after many, many long hours of introspection, second-guessing, bad dreams, and profesional therapy.

I have been in a relationship with Robert for over four years. We have been exclusive for that entire time, and even lived together for one year. I moved out of his apartment about 7 months ago, and we have been going through a very stressful period of almost breaking up, and then trying again since then.

Although we have some pretty basic communication problems, and do tend to push each other’s buttons a little too much, the main problem has boiled down to my wanting to get married and start a family, and his not wanting the responibility of children in his life.

I am 36 (he’s 42) and for me the ticking has suddenly become VERY loud. I do love him, and we have a special connection that I’m afraid I may not find again with someone else. But he has made it clear that his feeling about having a family are not going to change, and I am left with the choice — stay with him and give up my desire for a family, or move on, and hope that within the next four years or so, I will meet someone, who will want all the same things I do.

I have been struggling with this situation for so long, and I just can’t seem to find the answer. It is truly making me crazy, and any help, or insights you can give would be a blessing.

–Viki

BG’s take after the jump!

Feeling left out August 10, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My husband Dylan and I have been married for about a year and a half, and so far it’s been great…except when his friend Alex comes to visit. Alex lives out of town, and will occasionally spend a couple of days with us. I like Alex, and we get along fine; the problem is that when he’s here, Dylan tends to completely ignore me. The two will spend the WHOLE TIME playing video games, or watching TV shows I don’t like. Dylan will barely talk to me. Now, I can understand his wanting to do a little male bonding; I like to hang out with only my women friends sometimes. But I start to feel, well, darned lonely after a whole weekend of this. Even though our hobbies don’t completely coincide, Dylan and I are usually very interested in what the other is doing (he comes to my hockey games, I go to his wrestling matches, etc.), and it seems like he doesn’t even care what I do when Alex is here. I’ve tried suggesting things that the three of us would enjoy doing together, but no soap. I’ve been a tad reluctant to talk to Dylan about this, because I kind of feel like I’m being selfish and possessive (“You’re MY husband, and you have to spend ALL your time with ME!”). Do you have any ideas on how I could deal with this?

— ED

Dear ED,

Um, it actually kind of does sound like you’re being selfish and possessive. Unless there’s something you’re not telling me, you guys have (a) a good time together except for a weekend here and there, and (b) hobbies you enjoy on your own. Next time, grab your hockey bag, wave jauntily, and tell them you’ll see them when you see them.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Disengaging on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been reading your column for about six months now and I think it is just great! Here is my problem: I am 29 and have been dating a guy for three years. I have known him for 15 years. We were best friends since high school before we started dating. We took it real slow in the beginning as we didn’t want to ruin a great friendship. Now after 3 years I want out. I am not sure if it is just that I have the three-year itch. (I have had two other relationships that have lasted three years and then I called it off.) We talked about marriage but I no longer see it as an option. I have tried to break up with him but he cried, said he loved me and wanted to marry me, and I gave in. I really don’t want to hurt him and don’t know how to ease his pain. How do I get out before we wind up engaged? There is noone else; I am just not in love with him anymore.

— Lise

Dear Lise,

“Before we wind up engaged?” Again with the word choice that makes it sound like engagement is something that happens to you by chance, as in, “Let’s clean up the picnic before we wind up getting rained on!” Similarly, you “tried” to break up with him? That has about the same logic as, in the age of voice mail and beepers and communications satellites, saying “I TRIED to call you.” What, you “tried” to call, but your cell phone wound up getting rained on? In breakups, as in telephones, and telekinetically levitating X-Wing fighters out of swamps, there is no “try.” Now, I don’t mean to ignore the fact that getting out is going to SUCK, given especially how long you’ve been close (and we can talk about that in another letter). For more about HOW — and especially how NOT to, see the Predicament of the Week. But if you need resolve-strengthening, remember what I said to Wishy Washy: no mercy marriages. You wanna “ease his pain?” Then cut the cord before you tie the knot.

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. Thanks for the compliment.

Still waiting on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been with my fiance for over eight years. We have been living together for about five years in a jointly purchased house. The problem seems to be that we have been engaged for over five years now, and we still don’t have a wedding date. We have discussed this on numerous occasions throughout the years, but we still remain engaged without a “date” to wed. He says that he has been ready to marry me since he asked. He says that I am the one dragging my feet. I have told him recently that I am ready now, but this topic always seems to stay the same…dateless. I know that he loves me, and there is no doubt in my mind about spending the rest of my life with him. I am beginning to wonder if I should give him an ultimatum at this point, or should I just move on???

— Constant Confusion

You don’t have to wait for BG’s answer, just click here.

A long one from June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met my fiance two years ago on the internet. I was sort of involved/on my way out of the relationship door when I met him and I explained that I would need some time to get over bad boyfriend before trying to date, have a relationship, etc. This worked fairly well since we lived across the country from one another anyway.

As my bad breakup wounds healed, my fiance and I became more involved (we were already more than friends despite my best intentions to keep it buddy/buddy only during the healing process). Oops. We became a couple, and later in the year, we started talking marriage. I felt it was too soon and bailed on the idea — Ye Olde Romantic Boy decided to go forward anyway and surprised me with the ring after Christmas. I said “yes” despite not being 100% sure, though my confidence that it was the right decision grew daily. We started living together over a year ago, and much to the surprise of my solo-time-lovin’ self, we make great roommates.

My fiance is unlike anyone I have ever dated. I am used to angsty, arty, intense boys. My fiance is mellow and sweet and stable. And extremely marriage and family oriented. The only thing that really gets his occasionally self-righteous knickers in a twist is his raging jealousy. Because he is so different from anyone else I have ever dated or been interested in, my love for him came as kind of a shock to me. And as I fell happier, healthier and more optimistic than I have in other relationships, the difference between my fiance and others I have dated sometimes disturbs me. I really love him — I am just wondering if it’s enough. Sometimes it feels like being rich and depressed at the same time — “Oh, filet mignon again? Sigh.”

(more…)

Going with the flow on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

How would you advise someone who simply would sacrifice his own happiness for that of another? I am about to enter into a long and rather binding committment to a beautiful, loving, wonderful woman. Problem is, I’m not certain if this relationship is exactly what I want…but it certainly is what she desires.

I cannot stand the thought of ever causing this woman pain, and as a result, will likely end up sooner or later in this committment.

Any advice?

Signed,
Wishing I Could Be Less Wishy Washy

Important Breakup Girl Maxim after the jump!

Breaking bad habits on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend and I live together in bliss. We are wonderful together and we’re both very happy. He makes me feel (your words) like the “fresh and tasty thing I am,” and we are really good at working lil’ problems out when they pop up. He’s brought up marriage. Okay, I’m getting to the problem now. He has dangerously bad habits. He smokes. He puts sugar on pie. He goes through salt, like, I don’t know what goes through a lot of salt, but you know what I’m saying. I cook for him, he doesn’t eat it. He is 50 pounds overweight. I have NEVER seen him eat a vegetable. I talk to him about my concern often. He claims that he would rather die young than live a long life of boiled tofu and squash. I can’t make him see an in between. Okay, my final point: I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, and I don’t want to be a widow at 40. I’ve heard you can’t change a person, but you can change their behavior. Is this a behavior problem, or a deeply ingrained personality flaw?

— Worry Wart

BG’s advice after the jump!

It’s wedding season! But from the letters it sounds like most of you are planning a destination wedding — on the fence. That is, when faced with the marriage question, you say:

I Do…Or Do I?

And in general, Breakup Girl’s totally unsatisfying answer is: that depends. I mean, even a severe case of the jitters does not a jilter make. Of course the idea of a wedding gives you the willies. The prospect of that major a commitment is bound to trip some major wires. Marriage is, for all intents, purposes, and people who are not Anna Nicole Smith, is forever. And that’s a mighty long time. In other words, YIKES.

But there are doubts, and there are doubts. Sometimes you consider popping the question because you can’t think of what else to do. But the truth is, you’re not so sure. And now the stakes are higher in all ways: you all think a garden variety breakup is hard, try breaking off an [near-] engagement. And then you wonder: are these just cold feet, or boots that should be walking? Or some overlapping, vicious-circling, crazy-making combination of the two? And then you sink into the Second-Guessing My Feelings Spiral. And then you are such hell to live with that your squeeze kicks you out. Which doesn’t help, because that, if anything, will make you Sure. Also, Single.

So how the hell do you “know?”

Or, as Waffle so aptly wrote:

Dear Breakup Girl,

When contemplating marriage to your girlfriend of several years, how do you tell the difference between cold feet, fear of commitment, and “she’s just not the one for me?”

Let me answer that with a little anecdote. (more…)