If a guy is interested in you, the only thing that you can find wrong with him is his looks and on that basis you reject him, does that make you the most shallow person on Earth? Please reassure me that you have to be attracted to someone, or else it wouldn’t work…please?
— Worried
Dear Worried,
Yes, you have to be “attracted” to someone. Or at least feel the potential stirrings thereof. So answer me — and yourself — this: When you decided to take a pass, what, in essence, were your thoughts? Can you honestly say, in good conscience, that you rummaged through all of your hormones and neurons and other chemical apparati and came up with no gut-level attraction whatsoever? Or did you think, “Well, he’s not the biggest hottie in the world, I’m afraid of what people will think…” ? Breakup Girl honestly doesn’t know which it is. But you do.
You are the most level-headed and genuinely thoughtful advice heroine in all cyberspace. And so, I submit my problem to Your Superness…
I am an attractive person; I want to make it clear that my comfort level with my admittedly-rather-average-but-unique-and-therefore-desirable appearance is satisfyingly high. I also sighed right along Will Shakespeare when he wrote “My mistress eyes are nothing like the sun…”, because sometimes a lover’s so-called imperfections are her most perfect attractions.
My problem is a small one: one small mole, present since birth, on the left cheek. Now, I will normally be the first to champion the fact that beauty is in the details, that it’s the tiny unique things about each person that makes him/her desirable. And it’s not as if this is a particularly ugly feature–it’s basically just a big 3-D freckle. No ugly discolorations, no honking huge black hairs growing out of it.
I am 19 years old and have scoliosis and a cleft palate. I am not ugly but not a stud either. I have a great mind, though. But still I can’t find a girl who appreciates me for me and can accept my disabilities and have a real relationship. Why can’t girls look past appearance?
— Bobby
Dear Bobby,
Breakup Belleruth lent a hand on this one. For starters: “Yes,” she says, “it’s too bad the culture is so driven to admiring conventional appearance and rejecting all else. And it takes extra work to maintain self-esteem in the face of the barrage of shallow bulls***. But in the best case scenario, it really does build character and sensitivity to not be instantly fawned over and accepted by the superficial morons whom we desperately want to include us, for reasons that grow hazy as we age, thank God.”
And she’s right. But you’re like, “Shut up, I don’t want ‘character,’ I want a girlfriend!” I know, Bobby. But stay with us for a few more points.
Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:45 am
Guess what I found in my advice mailbox: a letter from my best friend J. from seventh grade, back before my historic rendezvous with Unreliable Man gave me the powers I now use to serve this great megalopolis. You may remember her from such entries as “How’s my love life? My CAREER is going great!” Of course, we give each other advice all the time (the kind where one of us says, “So, should I give that Bally’s trainer with the house in Steamboat who voted for Robertson and doesn’t like dogs one more chance? You’re supposed to say ‘Yes, but only one,'” and the other says, “Yes, but only one.”). I just didn’t expect her to go through such formal channels. But as always, her timing was uncannily perfect, practically clairvoyant. Little did she know I’d been searching for a fun way to introduce this week’s theme, the one where I am going to tell you to
STOP worrying so much about your
LOOKS and
LISTEN to Breakup Girl instead.
So here goes.
Dear Breakup Girl,
I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow. My dilemma: do I just trim it and keep it at the current, face-framing, bobbish length — or, do I go back to the ultra-short Winona do? (Note: my obsession with Winona’s hair began WELL BEFORE she met Matt Damon. It’s legit).
So you might ask, why am I writing Breakup Girl with this question?
a) She’s seen my hair through the years (isn’t that a 70’s song?), and can offer a personal opinion.
b) Well, duh– as with any hair dilemma, this is not about hair — it’s about life as a woman, femininity, following/resisting stereotypes, inner strength, etc. etc. See, I love how short hair feels. BUT — it brings up all my worries, namely: do I have a striking enough face to carry it off? Will men ever look at me? Do I need to be a waif with a model’s face for this haircut? Am I too fat for it? Will I look more butch than I really am at heart, or, worse yet, like a matronly housefrau with sensible hair? Do men really like long hair better?
In short, will I be cutting off my hair to spite my face?
And then, of course, the meta level: why do I care so much what men think? Why am I worried about the ramifications of looking “unfeminine?” Why am I trapped by the stereotypes even as I try to be a strong, freethinking female?
And finally: WILL I RESOLVE ALL THESE ISSUES BY 11 AM TOMORROW?
Thanks, Breakup Girl. You’ve got great hair, by the way.
Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:07 am
MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn†columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.
This week Lynn responds to Solitary Sue, a 56-year-old widow having trouble finding love on line. The first problem is the men themselves — looking for hookups not relationships — and then
My second problem is that I do have a couple of disabilities. I am on oxygen for emphysema and am somewhat limited in mobility due to a severe back injury. How do I introduce that into conversation without chasing anyone off?
How can I get guys to realize that just because I have glasses doesn’t mean I’m a geek? Without my glasses on I look really pretty, because everyone has told me that. Help me shake some sense into these boys!
— Meghan
Dear Meghan,
IF it is at all true that Men Don’t Make Passes at Girls Who Wear Glasses, then it’s not because they make you look bad, it’s because they make you look … smart. This is ridiculous on many levels. We all know that glasses do not equal brains (I mean, look at Velma. She has glasses, and that still doesn’t mean she’s smart enough to… get contacts). Also, even if this stereotype were true, you’d think these boys would be psyched to date someone smart; perhaps, however, they are needlessly intimidated. Maybe they think you read more than them and they’re afraid that you’ll make all of these witty literary references (“I thought the book ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ was better than the movie”) that will go straight over their heads. What-ever.
I’m 20 years old and have been dating a girl for about a year and a half. I know in my heart that we’re in love. My problem is that I’m not as attracted to her body. She’s overweight and my looking at other girls is distracting my focus on our relationship. She knows how I feel and I feel guilty because of this. I have a strong urge to experience the girls I’m attracted to, and not just physically. I don’t like flings. I don’t want to break up for such a superficial reason, but it is increasingly frustrating. How should I deal with this? Sometimes I feel too selfish, and other times I feel too selfless. I care about both our needs strongly.
Jeg er 22 ar og trenger noen a kose med. Kjaeresten min har forlatt meg, og jeg lurer pa hva jeg kan gjore for a bli atrakktiv igjen. Er det noe galt med meg! Gi meg noen tips. Venter spent pa svar. HJLELP MEG. Koz og nuzz fra …
— Heidi
[“I am longing for someone to be with. My beloved has left me and I am wondering what I can do to make myself attractive again. Is there something wrong with me? Give some advice. Waiting anxiously for a response. HELP ME. Kisses and hugs from Heidi.”]
Dear Heidi,
You do not stop being attractive just because someone leaves you. Well, maybe for the first day or two you look kind of hideous. But no, there is nothing to “do” to “make” yourself more attractive. And no, there is nothing wrong with you. There was — and this is very different — something wrong (who knows what) with the combination of your “beloved” and you. And also, just for the record, something a little funny about your assumption that everyone speaks Norwegian.
Filed under: books,issues — posted by Paula @ 11:06 am
Lauren Ruotolo is a gorgeous redhead with a great job–Director of Entertainment Promotions for the Hearst Corporation–a glam wardrobe, a cool boyfriend, and a hot new book about getting a leg up in life, no matter what size your legs happen to be.
In addition to being a funny (anecdotes about LL Cool J!) and moving autobiography about coping with and triumphing over her condition, Ruotolo’s book is an old-fashioned, Dale Carnegie-esque motivational work organized around themes like “Rejection can be your greatest ally,” “Being different is a gift,” and “Avoid the word ‘no’.†She encourages readers of all abilities to get over self-doubt, self-consciousness–just get over themselves, period–and create happiness on their own terms.
We spoke to the vivacious author at her office in the Hearst Tower.
So, the advice—both life- and dating-related—in your book is geared towards a mainstream audience.
Right.
I’m wondering if you have any specific dating advice for people who have physical challenges or physical differences.
I think that the first piece of advice–and it’s not just for people with physical disabilities or mental disabilities–is that you have to love yourself in order for someone to love you.That was something that I had to learn–that I had to love myself the way that I wanted to be loved by somebody, and I had to learn to be comfortable with knowing that I am different from other people, that my body looks different, that when it comes to sex or being intimate with somebody that it’s going to be a little bit different, so I think that I had to understand all those aspects and love every aspect of who I was before I could allow somebody in. Iwas always so insecure about it.
And I think that you become insecure when you’re dating, anyway–everybody is insecure! But it really becomes difficult when there’s something different about you.I hope that I teach in the book–for people to really love themselves–and, like I said, love themselves like you want to be loved.
Your experiences with online dating were not very positive.
No! (Laughs.) Not at all!Oh my god, it was such a nightmare!I hope to never have to do that again in my life. When it comes to online dating, yes, you want to put yourself out there, and put as much information about yourself up front. But as I wrote in the book, how I have always seen myselfis not really as a “handicapped†person. I knew that if I presented myself as a girl walking with crutches, that’s all anyone would see, and I would be labeled as a “Girl With Crutchesâ€â€¦
You mention in the book that you entered therapy, and the key lesson there for you was acceptance. How would you define “acceptance�
Acceptance, for me, was when I stopped hiding. I said, “I love myself, I have a family who loves me, I have friends that love me, and the next man I meet is gonna love me for me and I’m not gonna hide behind a barstool, and I’m not going to hide behind a photo online. I’m just gonna put myself out there and see what happens.â€
And I did–I met [current live-in boyfriend] Nelson on a staircase.So it was that acceptance and getting rid of that insecurity in my head that got me there.I was always so strong in so many other ways—but when it came to relationships–well, like I said, I think everyone has these fears. Because society is like, all right, you get to a certain age, girls, and you gotta find that husband, and you gotta have babies, and that’s your life! When you’re a child, you dream about your wedding–you know, there’s this idea promoted by magazines, especially here at Hearst, and at Seventeen magazine, that they’re like two of the greatest moments in a girls’ life: her prom, that she’ll always remember, and her wedding.
“Who are you gonna take to your prom?Who are you gonna marry?â€(Laughs) So it’s just always a constant conversation that makes us all nervous, but we all have to accept who we are, and that was really what I learned in therapy.
The wedding thing–is that something that has been in your mind pressuring you, or have you let that go?
I think as Nelson and I get closer, and as I get older, it’s something that I’ve thought about a lot more often than I ever did in my life–
–but, because you have the relationship–
Right, because I have the relationship–
–not because you’re thinking about the dress.
Exactly!(Laughs) Well, now that I’m in the relationship, I do think about the dress!
Ha! Tell me about Glamour Gals Foundation.
Oh, Glamour Gals is such a great organization. It’s an intergenerational organization that brings teen girls and elderly women together. The teen girls provide complimentary makeovers and facials and, more than anything, companionship to the elderly women.
My great-grandmother was in a home, so I know–when I would come visit, she would want to get dressed and she would want to put lipstick on and make herself presentable. With women, from the time we’re three years old, we want to wear lipstick ‘til the time we’re 93. We want to wear makeup!It just makes you feel good.And I think that it’s such a great opportunity for community service for girls.You know, when else are you really going to teach them that there are these wonderful older women out there, unless they have somebody in their family. And I think it really makes teens feel good about what they’re doing, and obviously the ladies feel great about themselves.So I’m really happy to be part of the organization.
The way that I found out about it was when my article in Marie Claire came out in March of 2009.The president and founder Rachel Doyle read it and contacted somebody here at Hearst called Susan Schultz who was on the advisory board and was like “Do you know this girl? I would like to nominate her for our Glammy, for most glamorous gal of the year.†And they did, and I accepted, and it was such a wonderful honor!
And now I’m on the advisory board, and I’m heading up their first gala in February.
Do you have any plans for a follow-up book?
I really want to do a children’s book.Children—at least from my understanding and the research that I’ve done on the street where children stare at me—don’t see racial differences these days because it’s everywhere.So, they have black friends, they have white friends, they have Puerto Rican friends, they have Chinese friends, and they don’t see the difference anymore, which is wonderful.But they still see the obvious physical differences of people with different abilities.And I think parents get nervous because kids are just outspoken.Not because they’re mean, because they just want to know!
They see somebody who’s different, and say, “Mommy, why is that lady so short?†or “What are those shiny things that she walks with?â€And parents get embarrassed.And I see a lot of times where the parents are like “Shh!†or they just pull them away, and they don’t wanna notice it.
And that’s not the way.I really want to help children understand those differences.
(To read more about people living with short stature, click here.)
Filed under: issues,News — posted by Breakup Girl @ 11:08 am
Cheerleaders don’t necessarily deserve that bad a rap. Contrary to popular belief (and recent judicial opinion), they are athletes doing a team sport. (You try doing a back loop spiral with a pike alone in your living room.) Some of them are willing to discover their inner gleeks. One squad has actually petitioned their school board for less revealing uniforms — and not just because it’s chilly in Connecticut. Here’s how the Connecticut Post (via Jezebel) describes the Bridgeport Central High School squad’s appeal:
“We ask with the utmost respect you do anything in your power to help us,” said Heidi Medina, a former team captain, removing oversized sweats to reveal a quarter-length top and exposed middle. “I don’t feel comfortable wearing this.”
“It really hurts our self esteem,” said Ariana Mesaros, another senior on the team, in a voice hoarse from cheering the night before. “I am embarrassed to stand up here dressed like this. Is this really how you want Bridgeport to be represented?”
It is now! You go, girlies. B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!, and etc. Especially because recent research does confirm that cheerleaders — yes, especially those who wear midriff-baring uniforms — are at high risk for eating disorders. And, related: there’s an argument to be made that not considering cheerleading a sport might actually make it more physically dangerous. So let’s continue moving past the stereotypes — in schools and on screens — and, while we’re at it, cheer those Bridgeport girls on.
e-mail to a friend in need
Keeping up appearances on June 22, 1998…
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