Underachieving on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Well, here you have yet another of those “I haven’t had a boyfriend in __ years, am I pathetic?” letters. Except combined with one of those “I am __ years old and haven’t ____ yet, am I pathetic?” letters. I’m 19 years old and I have never had a relationship of any kind, unless you count a disposable camp/vacation fling several years ago (which, while fun, was very brief, decidedly casual and ended badly). I am constantly surrounded by dating/engaged/even married friends, teen romance movies and TV shows like Dawson’s Creek and Buffy etc. where these decidedly younger people are far beyond my experience (I know it’s just TV but it’s still depressing) and letters in your column from an army of young lovers. Well, I haven’t had a hint of romance or even lust thus far, and I don’t understand why!

Well, OK, I do. I was one of those driven, Straight-A Activity Girl Overachievers in high school, and while that was handy in the scholarship department it did not exactly work wonders for my love life. It didn’t bother me (much…) at the time, because I figured there was plenty of time for that Later. WELL it’s Later, and still no luck! I’ve seen my college friends hook up while I stay horribly single. Now I’m feeling lonely and wondering where I went wrong. It’s not like I’m ugly (decidedly average looking to tell the truth). I get along well with people, I’m reasonably funny and interesting (so I’ve been told). But, you guessed it, I’m horribly shy. I don’t know what to do. I know things will be easier once I’ve jumped into the dating pool, but I have no idea how to do that. Please help.

— Lonely

P.S. Am I pathetic???

BG’s suggestions to be less Lonely after the jump!

Getting out on August 10, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Hmmmm…well, first it took me forever just to get up the nerve to write to a cartoon character, and then Lucy had her “not seeing any silly geekgirls” sign out at the psychiatric booth, so here I am, sending an urgent missive to Breakup Girl.

I’m Breakup List fodder for sure, I suppose. I live with my bf of 2.5 years; he likes me only marginally, sometimes, and totally ignores me the rest of the time. He won’t even have sex with me unless it’s dark and, I’m not making this up, he has a pillow over his face.

I am completely amazed that I put up with this, but here I am, snug in my routine and having a difficult time removing myself from what is a most crappy situation. What I need is something to inspire me to get out. Now. Any suggestions? What is the best Leaving Procedure? I haven’t done this before! Thanks!

— Geek Without a Clue

Dear Geek,

Lucy doesn’t know what she’s talking about, anyway. Plus I’ll save you a nickel.

You want Inspiration? Get out now, and you stand a chance of having an actual boyfriend one of these days. Or just… being content, with or without a side of Boy. What BG is guessing is that: that you have, buried in your psyche, some idea that you don’t deserve — or will never do — better. WRONG. I’m saying that not only to be perky and positive, but also because, well, it’s hard to imagine doing worse.

You want Procedure? Say: “I’m moving out. You can keep the pillows.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. I really don’t mean to be flip, but it — the actual Procedure, anyway – is that simple. You need help dealing with Aftermath, you write me back.

An international incident from June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have lived together with this girl for two years, and before that we dated for about two years. I have wanted a long time to break up, but she doesn’t want to. I have been very open and honest about what I feel, and am asking her several times a week to move out. She refuses, says she can’t move out and that she feels unsafe in this big town without me (which is a European capital — she comes from a smaller place some 300 miles from here, and moved here to be with me). Every time I bring the topic up, she thinks I’m being mean. We live in a flat which I own and that I lived alone in for 11 months before she moved in. I really want to break up. To change locks or contact the police or some other authority seems so mean, but sometimes seems like the only option. Is there a nicer way?

— Anders

BG’s answer after the jump!

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been going out with the same guy for about nine months….including the time we weren’t actually “going out,” just messing around/while I was “cheating” on my long-distance love, and so much has happened since I met him that I don’t know what to think or do or anything.

I care deeply about him, I love him, blah blah blah…but my parents hate him and want me to dump him and have for a while now. I can’t even talk to him on the phone without them turning it into a huge issue involving lectures and comparisons to various evil figures in history. My Dad insists he’s seen a pattern in many men, and that my guy is in the early stages of what is likely to become an abusive relationship.

My guy is mean to me sometimes, but we’ve been getting along better lately, even though I sometimes want to kill him….see, I’m lost! He’s so cute and I laughed my butt off at your comment, “I never want to see you again…unless you’re wearing those jeans,” because that is SO true about how I feel sometimes. I’ve broken up with him before, tried to other times, and he starts to cry and whine and make me feel awful. I hate that!

So, I guess my question is, should I break up with him, how can I do it without being mean, and what the hell am I supposed to do since I still love him? And his clothes…I don’t want to give them back! Okay, that’s all, I suppose…please help!

— Vera

(more…)

(But Sometimes I Can Leave Stuff Out)

Dear Breakup Girl,

I can’t figure out how to tell my boyfriend I want to break up without hurting his feelings. He has really bad breath, aggravates me about if I like him or not (which I did until he annoyed me with the question too much), and he wears makeup to cover acne (he thinks I can’t tell, I guess). What to do?

— Darlene

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A nice surprise on March 30, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

How and when do you know when’s “THE” time to confess your feelings for someone? I mean, it seems weird just to bring it up in a typical conversation (i.e. How’s your day? Oh BTW, I think I love you”). I also don’t want to put her under any pressure, which may be unavoidable … but one can hope, right? Thanks for listening.

— Phillip

Dear Phillip,

Correct.The reason why it seems weird to shoehorn a declaration of love into a typical conversation is that a declaration of love is not typical conversation (unless you’re a character in the movie Showgirls, where you would not believe what passes for typical conversation). So yes, time — along with place and context — is key. But Breakup Girl doesn’t have quite enough facts. From the way you describe it, it sounds like this “I love you” might come as a bit of a surprise to your intended. I mean, are you “confessing” your feelings in an existing relationship — or are you asking someone out? In the latter case, I recommend starting off with “How’s your day? I love … the Coen brothers. Want to see the Big Lebowski with me?” If you two have already got it going on, then pop the confession at a pleasant — but not overly orchestrated — moment. Not an all-out ambush; just a nice surprise.
By the way, I think you just intended it as shorthand, but one detail in your letter compels me to issue this warning: anyone who says things like “BTW” (and “LOL,” etc.) in actual verbal conversation is going straight to Breakup Jail. Especially if you’re a character in Showgirls II: Virtual Vixens.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Classic advice from April 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

When I go out with a guy, and things aren’t working out, of course, it ends. I have been dumped only once in my life, so I am usually the one who does it. But, for some reason, when I break up with a guy, a piece of me really wants him to still want me back. I am cool about when and where to do it, but I have always wondered if what I wear when it happens makes a difference. I still want him to fall for me afterward — should I just wear something regular, something that shows off my figure, dress up, or go grunge? Or does it even make a difference?

— Li’l Miss

Dear Li’l,

Listen, Missy, put your ego back in mothballs. Wanting him to want you back is human, but acting on it — especially if you dumped him — is tacky. Don’t go there. No matter what you’re wearing.

But while we’re on the subject, Breakup Girl will pause for a fashion moment. When it comes to looking marvelous (for non-nefarious purposes), believe none of what you read about cute sundresses and soft, fuzzy sweaters as boy magnets. There are those of us who know from experience how guys react to the sight of women playing hockey. Breakup Girl’s fashion advice: whenever possible, wear full equipment.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Classic advice from April 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am 18 years old, graduated from high school, and am now well on my way to completing my first year of college. I managed to graduate from high school and make it through almost an entire year of college without actually having had a boyfriend. I haven’t really gone on that many dates, either. No, I do not have low self-esteem and/or think there is something wrong with me physically or mentally. My problem is that I have never actually been kissed! I mean, how am I going to explain this to future dates? I’m really dreading this since my roommate is currently trying to fix me up with one of her boyfriend’s friends who supposedly likes me. Help!

— Blake

(more…)

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn responds to a woman aptly named Lost. She’s a woman that’s going places, stuck in a relationship that’s going nowhere:

We have fought constantly … and every time we fight we break up. He decides that he can’t handle what’s going on and tries to blame me. He is going to be 30 and yet can’t seem to get a grip on what he wants in life. I do not think that he appreciates me.

After dating for five years how can she break away? Read Lynn’s advice at Happen, then share your own stories below!

Ending things improperly on March 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I want to end my marriage, but I don’t know how to tell him. Is it fair to write him a letter or should I tell him in person?

— Kat

Dear Kat,

Rule of thumb: unseal the deal the same way that you sealed it. Choose the medium that matches and honors the relationship. If you met online — and have conducted your relationship entirely online — then (and only then) can you break up online.You may use the telephone to tell your Psychic that you just want to be Friends. But I’m guessing that you two are more than…pen pals. So, yeah, you’re going to have to do the deed face to face. BUT. If you don’t trust yourself to remain coherent, and you have some key points to get across and set in stone, definitely go ahead and write them down. Then either start the conversation with the letter, or submit it as a “handout” during or after. Good luck. And please spell-check.

Love,
Breakup Girl