Too much of a good thing on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

OK — I just ended a very emotionally straining relationship ( Rock On for me! ) and I have been trying to get my life back in order. So, to make this a short story, I know this guy — we are friends — he is fun, nice, good-looking….yada, yada, yada — anyway we slept together (first off, not my style — but we were SAFE, so why not ). Anyway, after I felt really weird — so we had “the talk.” The talk of: ” That was just what it was, nothing more. We can remain friends — but we are not going to be a couple. Plus I just got out of something very horrible and I am not looking. Are you cool with that??”

Anyway, he says Yes. I think the world is a grand place.

Now, he is buying me gifts and always hanging around my desk. Finding reasons to come over.

I mention that I like a certain look on a guy to other friends, and he does it. The man has totally dyed his hair, and made other changes. ( I was not saying anything to make him change, I was just saying…if I thought he was really listening I should have said “Antonio Banderas!!”)

And I know how that sounds — “Oh a great guy likes me and he is doing nice things for me…Poor me, Oh how horrible” — but my point is this, I know that he likes me more than I like him. I would never do anything to hurt him. (My ex led me on and I know how that feels, so I won’t repeat it.)

And yet at the same time — Don’t act like we are a couple. Trust me, he will make someone very happy, it just won’t ever be me !!!

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A happy ending on June 8, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Just something to add to your great Prom series. When I was at the age of worrying about prom dates, I found myself in the situation of having no steady guy to ask. I also knew that if I didn’t do something soon, I would probably end up going alone.

What did I do?
I took my future into my own hands (something that took a lot of nerve) and walked up to this guy i was fairly interested in. And amazing things happened! He was a friend of mine, but not one of those really close friends. I asked him if he hade a date for the prom (even though I knew full well that he didn’t). When he said he didn’t, I asked him if he would like to go with me. He said yes. What happened next is the truly amazing stuff. He suddenly started paying a lot more attention to me than he previously had, joining the backstage team I was on, sending me letters, and just generally being a nice FRIEND. At some point between the date of asking and the prom, we started going out together. We actually went out for FIVE years. The moral of the story? Just go for it. You never know what might happen.

— Sam

BG responds: Who-hoooo!

Truer words were never spoken than on June 1, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have known this girl for a long time and she’s become like an older sister to me (she is a bit older than me) and I have developed feelings for her — not just her looks, but the way she moves, the way she talks, the way she acts, etc. What do I say to her that will make her like me without letting her know that I like her?

— Arson

Dear Arson,

Probably something like “I never want to see you again.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

Not taking things to the next level on May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Hi. I know you’ve written about Friend Boys, but so far no one has seemed to share my curse, so my variation on the theme hasn’t been addressed. I hope you can help.

My problem is this: I believe a solid romantic relationship is built on a solid friendship. The main reason I feel this is that when you date, pretense and airs are, well, up in the air. When you get to know someone as a friend, you get to know the real them, because they have no reason to put on airs. Also, while I’ll check out the hottie in the tight red dress, I could never find myself attracted to someone on any level beyond the physical unless I really know her. Unfortunately, this has left me on the business end of a bad Catch-22.

See, whenever I get to know a woman well enough to develop feelings for her and try to bring the friendship to a “new level,” she says that I can’t because I “know her too well,” and vice versa.

WHAT GIVES?

Women are constantly complaining about never knowing what their man is thinking, or that he never knows what they are feeling, or that he is just too confusing, and yet, when presented with someone whom they are very close to, and who knows them so well (and again, vice versa), they say, “Uh-uh, no way.” Sigh.

–The Shadow Knows

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Working it on April 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

First off, YOU ROCK!!! OK, now to business. There is this guy at work who is a Major BABE. (I rarely use that word but in this case, it fits). We have recently become Great Friends. We hang out all the time and are constantly doing things together. I have to say that he is not only beautiful on the outside, but on the inside!!!! Anyway, everyone at work is in love with him, and he is hanging out with me. My problem is, I am starting to really feel for him. And I don’t know what to do.

On one hand I think, Yeah I should be happy being his Friend (I hate that word). And on the other: He is the one I have been looking for. He is the greatest guy. Any woman would be very lucky to have him…. It needs to be me !!

Should I do anything?? At the worst, we will be life long friends, at the best we will grow old together. Breakup Girl, I need your words of wisdom. Do I tell this guy what he means to me, and risk the chance of messing up the friendship?

Or keep my mouth shut and drool every time we are together?

— Margaritaville

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A nice surprise on March 30, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

How and when do you know when’s “THE” time to confess your feelings for someone? I mean, it seems weird just to bring it up in a typical conversation (i.e. How’s your day? Oh BTW, I think I love you”). I also don’t want to put her under any pressure, which may be unavoidable … but one can hope, right? Thanks for listening.

— Phillip

Dear Phillip,

Correct.The reason why it seems weird to shoehorn a declaration of love into a typical conversation is that a declaration of love is not typical conversation (unless you’re a character in the movie Showgirls, where you would not believe what passes for typical conversation). So yes, time — along with place and context — is key. But Breakup Girl doesn’t have quite enough facts. From the way you describe it, it sounds like this “I love you” might come as a bit of a surprise to your intended. I mean, are you “confessing” your feelings in an existing relationship — or are you asking someone out? In the latter case, I recommend starting off with “How’s your day? I love … the Coen brothers. Want to see the Big Lebowski with me?” If you two have already got it going on, then pop the confession at a pleasant — but not overly orchestrated — moment. Not an all-out ambush; just a nice surprise.
By the way, I think you just intended it as shorthand, but one detail in your letter compels me to issue this warning: anyone who says things like “BTW” (and “LOL,” etc.) in actual verbal conversation is going straight to Breakup Jail. Especially if you’re a character in Showgirls II: Virtual Vixens.

Love,
Breakup Girl

The curse of the friend-girl strikes March 23, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m sure you’ve probably heard this one before, but here goes. All of my better friends happen to be men. I don’t mind — love ’em to death, flaws and all. Besides, all of the best relationships start with the couple being friends, right? I figure with all these guy buds, you’d think the odds of that happening would be in my favor. In a word, wrong. If I hear myself referred to as “one of the guys” again, I’m going to puke. This isn’t exactly a recent development, either — one of my friends refers to my situation as “terminal buddy syndrome” and I’ve been afflicted since high school. (I’m 27 now.) Now, it’s not like I wax romantic over every single one of my friends, but I can think of a couple of them — both now married — that I would have been more than willing to take a shot at “jeopardizing our friendship” with, if you get my drift. It feels like it’s beyond me to get a man to think of me romantically. I know it’s not the “end-all, be-all,” but it’d be nice for a change. Suggestions?

— Everyone’s Kid Sister

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Second thoughts from March 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

For the past three months I have been dating this guy. We started out as friends working together and things developed from there. Well, now that I have spent a lot of time with him I realize that maybe we should have remained just friends. Now the problem is that he is in love with me and wants a long-term relationship. I want to concentrate on my career right now and have no time for such a serious relationship. I really care for him but I don’t want to stay in this relationship but I don’t want to hurt him either. Help!

— Raven

Dear Raven,

My best friend and I have this joke where if someone asks one of us, “How’s your love life?” we always say, “My CAREER is going GREAT!” Even after like six years, we still find this side-splitting. Usually.

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you’ll find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn helps KA who was recently spurned by a friend-boy and is feeling like a mutant because she’s never had a boyfriend at the ripe old age of 22. Check out Lynn’s advice-slash-pep-talk at Happen, then come back here to add your own thoughts below!

Love moves in on March 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently had a new roommate move into my house. What had recently been a household of girls has now undergone some testosterone revamping. When this guy moved in I thought nothing of him, but now I’m finding myself oddly attracted and I think he’s into me to. What should I do, four months to go and I don’t know if I should tell him or keep it to myself and forget him. Help me!

— Romancing Roomie

Dear Romancing,

Living together is generally something people do after they’ve made a commitment. In your case, play it safe. I wouldn’t want something to be over before it even begins; when your ex is your roommate, all of a sudden those toothpaste trails s/he leaves aren’t so “adorable” anymore. Savor the crush — four months isn’t that long — and when he moves out, then you can consider how to move in.

Love,
Breakup Girl