Dear Breakup Girl,

My divorce was final a year ago. I had the opportunity to take my ex to the cleaners, so to speak, in court (nude pics of him and his lover in a hotel room and information regarding his affiliation with a prostitute). However, I chose not to give all my money fighting in the courts and settled out of court. I sometimes regret my decision — only because I want him to know what I know about his affair and his affiliation with a known prostitute. He prides himself on being a “highly moral and ethical person” (he is psychologist). I still have all the documentation I had planned on using in court…and have contemplated on sending it to his new bride (he mail ordered her from Russia via the Internet). Or just giving the info to him…to let him know he may have thought he got on over on me….but there are others that now know of his less reputable side. Should I simply leave well enough alone…my head says I should….my heart says I still want to hurt him as he did me. What do you think?

— Beeja

Dear Beeja,

Don’t leave well enough alone. Leave hellish enough alone.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn counsels a girl who swears she’s Just Buddies with her guy friends but worries about cheating

I have a few male friends that I talk to once every three to six months or sometimes longer. They suggest that we hang out sometimes, and they know that I am in a serious relationship. I feel like I will be somewhat cheating if I hang out with a male friend.

Is she over thinking things? Should she let these guys go? Read the full letter and Lynn’s response at Happen Magazine, then come back here to comment below.

Paging Jerry Springer on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I urgently need some advice. You are the first person who can probably give me some kind of feedback on this very touchy subject. Last September, I was going out with a great guy, things happened and we split. Not even a week later, a friend that my ex introduced me to went into the store that my mother owns and professed his love for me. He is very good looking, treats me like a queen, owns a very successful business…..What’s the problem, you say. Well he does has one major flaw, he’s married with 2 kids. Not by choice, I can tell you that. They don’t get along, they argue all the time, she doesn’t appreciate him. I know, I know, that no one should ever get involved with a married man because he is a liar and a cheat. But he is soooo different. His wife went away last week and we were so together and so happy. We have been together since March and we have never argued. We both live in a very small town (700 people) and I’m sure people are talking. I haven’t gotten involved with any other man and believe me there have been some very close calls. He got quite upset at me last week because I kissed an ex of mine. Obviously, he gets very jealous for some reason. We have professed our love for each other. I was supposed to move away for a really good job and I pretty much had it if I would have went down. When he found out, he cried and pleaded to me not to go. Then hired me as his secretary. What is going on in his head? I don’t understand it at all. Things wouldn’t be so bad if we hadn’t made love, but we have quite a few times. I have fallen in love with him and I am so scared that I will be the one who is hurt…again. Maybe I deserve it. He puts me up on a pedestal, unfortunately, his wife is holding it. Isn’t he scared that I might be like one of those psychos like on Jerry Springer that might go tell his wife of the affair? But in my opinion, I shouldn’t be the one to say a word. I really need your help Breakup Girl! I will really appreciate it. Thanks again.

— Emotionally Hungover

BG gets real after the jump!

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m single, affectionate, smart, 25, employed (web designer), the whole nine that in theory should be dripping in women. The first part of my lunacy today is an ex I broke up with about a year ago, who I am beginning to think I cared for more than I wanted to admit. I broke up with her because she was nagging me and making me drive to her (LA to North Hollywood) but would never come to my house (she claimed I live in a bad neighborhood). I found out after the breakup that she had been cheating on me (which was stunning, in that I was at her house with her at least 5 nights a week). A year after we met, before the cheating info and after the breakup, I left a rose with no petals, an order of albacore sushi (her favorite) and a bittersweet poem on her doorstep. She claimed she didn’t understand it, we stopped talking at all. It troubled me.

Yet I wake up most mornings thinking about her. I go to sleep imagining us cuddled up together. A yearafterwards. I have dated and dealt with other people, I am actively pursuing someone very unlike her now … why can I not stop thinking about this self absorbed butterscotch bundle of infidelity? My friends almost puke every time I mention her name and hosted a celebration when I broke up with her. It’s insane.

Part 2 — I broke up with this older woman because she was conniving and hatched an elaborate plot over $5. She continued to call for … er, “visits” off and on for months, and has recently halfheartedly tried to pursue me seriously again. Remember I said my friends hate the first girl? It’s practically a jihad against this one, well known to leave 4-10 messages/day on my machine when she’s twitchy. On top of all that she has bad breath! Yet I haven’t told her to bugger off. Is it just physical? I feel so shallow just thinking that may be it.

— Bad Karma

Dear BK,

Lunacy, Part 1: You can’t stop thinking about Butterscotch Bundle because you did not get to have the last word. You tried, but as you said, she didn’t really even get the sushi-gram (so L.A.!), and plus, that all happened beforeyou got the cheating memo. That is what is driving you nuts. And fair enough.

Lunacy, Part 2: If it is just physical with Halitosa McCoy, you are hardly the first person to go there. (In the world, I mean; I don’t know about her past.) Get off your own case. And off the phone with her.

I don’t think you’re insane; I think somehow you’re getting some mileage with your buds by being The Guy with Heinous Girlfriends. It’s always good for a laugh, I’m sure, and also for … avoiding commitment. I’m just saying.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally posted on August 3, 1998.

Into the Cheating Zone on July 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I don’t think I can resist cheating on my boyfriend. Tell me what you think.

It’s a long distance thing; we’ve been together, yet apart, for over a year. But there’s someone else here who I’ve known longer and longed for since before I was with my bf. Soon I’m going to move across country to go to grad school. My bf is going to quit his job and move to the town the school is in. The plan has been for us to live together with a view towards marriage. He wanted to get engaged before we move in together, but last winter I told him the marriage idea wasn’t working for me, that I had qualms, based, mostly, on my feeling that he’s a grumpy poop far too often for me to be with forever (it had nothing to do with the other guy). Other times things are nice. So the plan is to try living together first. But now I don’t know if I should.

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Resisting the urge on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend dumped me about two weeks ago because “it wasn’t working out.” Then I found out that he cheated on me and then lied about it to my face. So why do I still miss him when he’s the one who treated me like crap? Shouldn’t I be glad that he’s out of my life? Instead, I’m on the verge of begging him to come back. WHY?????

— Karen

Dear Karen,

STOP:

1 – even considering begging him to come back

2 – thinking that you’re a freak for even considering begging him to come back.

It seems weird, but it’s normal. Wanting him back — at least in theory — is not necessarily about stooping to his level; it may also be about regaining the upper hand. It’s like, things didn’t turn out the way you’d planned; you want to be the one to call, “Uh-uh, DO-OVER!” You want the last word.

This is BG’s empowering interpretation. of your feelings. Use it instead of the one where you’re thinking “Maybe he wouldn’t cheat and lie if I do something differently next time.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

Coming clean on July 6, 1998...

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a boyfriend in Japan, and I live in Seattle. We have decided to stay together for the summer and we aren’t supposed to be seeing other people. I, however, have met someone and I don’t know if I should tell my boyfriend or not. It’s just a summer thing and I still love my boyfriend very much. It’s just hard to go from being with someone everyday and then not seeing them for three months. If I told him, I know he would be very upset and would most likely break up with me. What should I do?

— Bridgett

Dear Bridgett,

If you break up with Summer Thing now, like before you even finish reading this letter, then you don’t have to tell your boyfriend. If you let it go until just before Japan Air flight #123 hits the ground, you do have to tell him.

Okay, now that you’re back, let me elaborate. (more…)

Still suspicious on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

All right, here’s the dilly: I’ve been with my girlfriend for nigh 3 years now. Recently, we both went through major upheavels in our lives, during which we fought & came close to ending things. During that time, she started seeing another guy. I found out because I came over for Valentine’s Day and he sent her flowers saying they had started something beautiful. Anyway, I freaked, and she told me that they had just gone on a couple of dates, nothing serious. From V-Day until recently, I had always been suspicious she was still seeing him, but whenever I asked, she told me she wasn’t and that I was being paranoid. Which, I believed, because she never lies, even when it’s the easy thing. One time I tried snooping but was caught so the only thing I accomplished was ruining her trust.

Last week, one of her good friends (who isn’t the smartest person) told me (she doesn’t know it though) that I was correct. She was seeing this guy, slept with him, etc. and lied to me when I asked. Another friend of hers told me that they did have something for a while, but it was over and that she digs me again and is head over heels. So what do I do? I don’t want to ruin my gf’s friendship on account of her friend being an airhead. At the same time, I “triumphed” over the other guy, because now everything between us is wonderful. Is there a reason to bring up these past issues? On the other hand, she lied when I confronted her and made it look like I was the person that was wrong, and she managed to make me believe it. What’s to say it won’t happen again? I don’t want to be in a relationship where I can’t trust her when we aren’t getting along.

Should I leave well enough alone or do I dig until I get the truth at the probable expense of the relationship between us and between her friends?

–J

The

Doing the right thing on June 8, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here’s the thing — my boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years. He has basically treated me like gold for those two and a half years. But lately, he has been so distant and beyond mean. I told him that he was not treating me right and if he didn’t shape up, he would be shipped out. He would just get mad at me and tell me that I was overreacting and that he was just really confused. I would ask him “confused about what?” and he would never give me a straight answer. So the other day I was at his house and I decided to go on his computer on AOL. When I went on I found letters that he sent to a girl saying how she looked really good (she must have sent him pictures via e-mail) and he wanted to get to know her better. He even sent her a picture, our homecoming picture with me cut out, via email. I was furious and just left his house. I was trying to give him a chance to redeem himself by treating me right and making me trust him again. But he did no such thing. I dumped him less than an hour ago and I feel terrible. My heart feels like it is broken in half. Did I do the right thing? Or should I take him back and see if things change? I just love him so much, I don’t know what to do.

— Distraught

Dear Distraught,

After a relationship, snipping up photographs (with scissors or Photo Shop) is Arts and Crafts Therapy. During a relationship, it is an Act of War. Sorry.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Predicament of the Week from May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

One month ago my girlfriend dumped me and her reason why was that she didn’t want a relationship at this point in her life. Yeah, I could understand that, but when I was told that she’d started to date other guys I think I flipped. I was a very nice guy to her — better than most guys were. To make this long story short, I told her that I’d cheated on her when we were going out — just to hurt her — and now all it’s doing is hurting me more.

I don’t want you to think I’m nuts — only with love. I just can’t tell her the truth because everyone that knows her thinks I cheated on her and she told me she can’t trust anything I say to her anymore. Now that I screwed up I need to find some way to tell her that I was just lying to her about cheating on her. I know she will never want to speak to me again and I think I can handle it but I don’t want her to hate me for the rest of my life. If you could in some way HELP me to find a way to solve my BIG problem. I’ve never wanted to hurt her this way; I just lost my head and I can’t seem to find a way out of this mess. I’m not one to ask for anything in life but this one I really need help on.

Tearfully,
K.

P.S. If you want to post this letter on your board of guys who’ve done some really stupid things in their lives, I would understand. Maybe it wil help others like myself not to do things like this.

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