Let’s wrap on December 29, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,

What should I get my boyfriend for Christmas? We have been only going out for a month but we are serious.

— Michelle

Dear Michelle,

Well, missy, if you’ve been going out for only a month, then Breakup Girl knows this guy about as well as you do. But your letter does highlight a common problem: meeting someone just before a major gift-giving holiday. There’s also the less common (but perhaps more serious) problem of meeting someone just before a non-gift-giving holiday, and giving him something anyway — planting a tree in his honor on Arbor Day, for example.

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Questioning loyalty from January 9, 1998… 

Dear Breakup Girl,
How can you make your boyfriend stay and love you forever and ever? How can you convey to him the value of loyalty, avid affection and obsession? Answer me! Very important! You can get a reward or even a trophy if you answer these questions.
— Sky

Dear Sky,
If Breakup Girl knew that, she’d be out of a job (or rich, or in prison). Seriously, though, I printed your letter because I like your style — but you don’t know how many people have asked me that question with no hint of irony whatsoever.

So listen up, everyone, to this IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: You can’t make anyone do anything. Think about it: did your parents ever really make you do anything? Even if they did, did you want to when they did? Was your heart in it? The more they made you eat your rutabagas, the more you hated rutabagas, right?

So, you guys: do not, repeat, DO NOT do the rutabaga thing on your intended. Find someone who — without needing your help — treats you as the fresh and tasty thing that you are!

Love,
Breakup Girl