In honor of Valentine’s Day, as with our past Haiku Contests and posts, we’re opening up a special page for readers to submit their best relationship-themed haikus in the comments — and now you can RATE THEM too! Fun! Slash-wistful! Plus, this year — joined by celebrity judge writer/columnist/funnyfella Joel Stein! — Team BG will select a 2010 HAIKU MASTER from the five highest rated entries. (Submissions are now closed but rating continues this weekend, and a winner announced in a special post on Monday.)

Centuries before netizens were distilling their thoughts and dreams down to 140 characters, the Japanese were doing it in 17 syllables! You are no doubt familiar with the minimalist 5-7-5 scheme:

Am I over her?
Why, did she ask about me?
Hey wait, come back here!

–– Brian Thomas, Haiku contest Grand Prize co-winner, 1998!

Now that he is gone
I can say this without fear:
I do not like jazz.

— Amy Keyishian, 1998 First Prize winner and BG super-blogger

First look through the rest of winners from  1998,  1999, 2000, 2006, and more. Then read, rate or write your own, below!

Bonus: Also making a comeback this week: our customizable candy heart eCards.

Fine print: submissions become property of BreakupGirl.net.

Over at YourTango.com’s Love Buzz, blogger Melissa Noble polled 50 men to find out how many of them know the actual date of Valentine’s Day, which is, I guess, a slightly bigger stumper than “Who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb?”. For the results, just read her post’s curiously-punctuated title:  “20% of Men Don’t Know The Date of Valentine’s Day Which means 80 percent of men DO know the date of Valentine’s Day. Whew.”

Despite being taught the necessity of buying and exchanging Valentine’s Day cards (often in bulk) from pre-school on, I have to admit…I have at times, well, forgotten Valentine’s Day. Not very ladylike behavior, I suppose, as Noble writes: “Most women we know either relish or dread February 14th.” But…really? Women are that fixated on Valentine’s Day? And same-sex couples…well, never mind them, I guess? Or, beyond all that, is it really so black and white (and red all over)?  Is there room to observe it our own way, because hey, why not, it’s here, it could be nice, without making such a giant cuckoo deal?

I mean, my college crush and I thought ourselves so evolved as to be post-Valentine’s Day. We decided no cards, presents or even candied hearts. Instead we sat in a smoky café with our friends, reading Kierkegaard out loud, dressed in black, sipping lattes. At the time, it was perfect. He loved it. I loved it. There were no false expectations. Now, the odds that I’ll observe the holiday that way today are about the same as that of Hallmark coming out with a card criticizing 19th-century Hegelianism and celebrating the priority of concrete human reality over abstract thinking, but still. It was fun.

So tell us: What are some ways you’ve observed, ignored, or something in between, Valentine’s Day? That is, assuming you even knew the date. 😉

 

Got a very specific message in mind this Valentine’s Day? Breakup Girl may have you covered; Take a look at our Flash-animated eCards!

The Predicament of the Week from October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Could you please give me advice on permanently removing a leech from my bruised skin?

I’m a 33 year-old, good looking, stable, professional, financially-secure, in-shape, blah, blah, blah, GWM. But I’m totally inexperienced in relationships. Last December I got together for coffee with a guy from the personals without a detailed telephone screening in advance (never do that — if he doesn’t have time to talk on the phone and says “let’s just meet,” run away!). He turned out to be really cute and masculine-looking, but with no job and living with a friend. So I knew that a relationship was out, but it was Friday night and I had no plans so I took him home. The sex was great. He was fun to be with. A week later he had a job so I decided to date him figuring he’d quickly find a place to live and all would be OK.

But then, I introduced him to an experienced friend who the next day told me “This guy’s stupid, shallow, a user and a manipulator. You are fated to get totally involved with him and destroy your life. Mark my words and don’t come looking for help later.”

(more…)

The IRL deal of July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’d first like to know what you think of “long-distance” relationships… how often they work out, or if they should be avoided….and secondly, what you think of “long-distance Internet” relationships.

Let me explain my situation a little bit….

I got online a little over a year ago, and shortly after doing so, I met this really funny guy in a chat room that I enjoyed talking to. It didn’t take long for us to become really good friends. We talked alot over a period of about 5-6 months before we both realized that our feelings for each other were growing into the next stages after friendship. I started falling in love with him!! We had exchanged many, many photos of each other, and started talking on the telephone a bit. We talked very regularly and frequently for the next 6 months or so… making it known to the world of our love for each other through web pages, and silly stuff like that. He made me so happy! We were “cyber-engaged,” and most of the things like talking about having an “online wedding,” being engaged, and being together forever were HIS ideas!!! I really loved them, too…and the more he told people how much he loved me and wanted to be with me, the more in love I fell with him! After over a year of talking/chatting, and getting to know each others minds and souls, we agreed it should progress to the next step of actually meeting each other! The biggest problem was that he is on the western coast of the US, and I am on the eastern coast! But he finally got a plane ticket to come see me… and after having this ticket in his possesion for weeks, and only a month and a half away from the day we would meet, (on Valentine’s Day no less!!), he broke up with me!!! I am absolutely devastated, and am having a hard time dealing with what I feel.

His excuses were that:

1.)We are too far apart, and long distance relationships don’t work. He thought it was best to end it now before he hurt me anymore!

2.) I am ten years older than him, and have a child… which is nothing new, he knew that a year ago when we met!

3.) That he is just starting his life, and won’t be able to pay me the attention I deserve because he’ll be too busy…. and that wouldn’t be fair to me…

4.) That he thinks I’m a psychotic looney because I shared the fact that stress and my over active emotions make me sick to my stomach when I’m upset! He says that isn’t normal, and I must be psychotic! But the fact is, I don’t handle rejection very well, and I am a very emotional person. (Something else he’s known for the past year!!)

5.) I am too jealous, and he thinks I am “obsessed” with him and not in love with him.

The fact is I AM in love with him!! I don’t want to lose him because he thinks it “might not” work out in the future because we are so far away… he is young, scared, confused, and allowing outside influences to tear us apart. He could be throwing away the best thing to ever happen to both of us!! I really need some help and/or advice… He says it’s best it’s over, but I can’t let go!!! All I want is for us to be like we were, and for him to come see me in a month and a half! I at least want the opportunity, and the chance to see if the sparks fly like I have been dreaming they will!!

Can you help me?

— Reptile

Dear Reptile,

Oh, dear. I hate to run down the battery on your dreams, but — brace yourself — it just doesn’t sound to Breakup Girl like this is a happening thing. I am really, really, really sorry.

I am not saying that long distance relationships don’t work, nor that cyberrelationships don’t work. But let me try and put this situation in perspective:

People who have actually laid eyes on each other and spent time together have trouble mustering the chutzpah to make an actual commitment. Never mind having to make good on a promise that — though, yes, it was very real for you — technically existed only in the ether, not IRL. And you know, there are some things that do make sense/exist only out there in cyberworld; how long would Jennicam last if the idea was for people to actually look in her window? Also, the “outside influences” you dismiss as trivial are <gulp> real-life; in fact, they — distance, phase-of-life difference, etc. — are problems that non-cyber couples face. He got the willies when he realized that he was going to have to face them. And for whatever reason, he is not willing.

Also, on a totally different point, some of the things he said to you were not very nice.

Now, I’m not going to say anything dumbass, preachy, and too-late like, “You shouldn’t have fallen so hard in the first place.” You did, and I’m sure you felt feelings — finite though they may need be — that others have indeed only dreamt of. So go ahead and save — treasure — your emails and other cyber-keepsakes. If it hurts too much, hide them for a while. BUT. You should also, when you’re ready, take this as an opportunity to consider, for yourself, exactly what drove you to fall so hard, to make such earthbound plans with someone orbiting in cyberspace. I am not saying “Bad Girl, you messed up, now go think about what you did!” I am saying if you want a real-life partner that badly — no matter where you meet him — well, some reflection into this episode will give you useful insight into the next one. Which , ultimately, is not a bad use of all that bandwith.

Hang in there.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Still suspicious on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

All right, here’s the dilly: I’ve been with my girlfriend for nigh 3 years now. Recently, we both went through major upheavels in our lives, during which we fought & came close to ending things. During that time, she started seeing another guy. I found out because I came over for Valentine’s Day and he sent her flowers saying they had started something beautiful. Anyway, I freaked, and she told me that they had just gone on a couple of dates, nothing serious. From V-Day until recently, I had always been suspicious she was still seeing him, but whenever I asked, she told me she wasn’t and that I was being paranoid. Which, I believed, because she never lies, even when it’s the easy thing. One time I tried snooping but was caught so the only thing I accomplished was ruining her trust.

Last week, one of her good friends (who isn’t the smartest person) told me (she doesn’t know it though) that I was correct. She was seeing this guy, slept with him, etc. and lied to me when I asked. Another friend of hers told me that they did have something for a while, but it was over and that she digs me again and is head over heels. So what do I do? I don’t want to ruin my gf’s friendship on account of her friend being an airhead. At the same time, I “triumphed” over the other guy, because now everything between us is wonderful. Is there a reason to bring up these past issues? On the other hand, she lied when I confronted her and made it look like I was the person that was wrong, and she managed to make me believe it. What’s to say it won’t happen again? I don’t want to be in a relationship where I can’t trust her when we aren’t getting along.

Should I leave well enough alone or do I dig until I get the truth at the probable expense of the relationship between us and between her friends?

–J

The

A really long one from June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I cannot believe that I am writing to you, but I am. So here goes. This letter will undoubtedly be long for many reasons. I talk/write a lot and there are so many things to explain concerning my present relationship.

Background info: I’m 27, a licensed attorney, have a kitty cat that I adore, and up until 7 months ago enjoyed a relatively stable and good life. In November 1997 Jonathan entered my life. On that first day, he told me that he was involved in a relationship with a woman who was in the hospital as she’d had their child only two days before. He also told me that he had 3 other children, all by different women. One of his children, his six-year-old daughter was with him as we talked. In November, BG, I had just relocated to the city where I attended college and where my best friend (Latisha) lived. We were, quite frankly, painting the town red and every other passionate color known. In short, we were living the life of two, very attractive, financially and emotionally (or so we thought) independent divas.

So, when Jonathan approached me and asked to take me out that night, my conscience was lost in the wind. I agreed. He asked if I had a problem with the fact that he had a live-in girlfriend and a new-born baby. I truthfully answered (knowing that he would be another notch on my belt) said, “Not a problem.” He called me that night. I didn’t feel up to going out. He came over. We talked. We danced. We kissed. We had sex. (I know, I know…the shame, the shame). In fact the only thing I am proud of is that I did use a condom. He stayed the night. After all, Linda (live in GF) was in the hospital. Much, much more after the jump!

We held off on this one, since we figured not that many first dates were happening on Valentine’s Day. But now here we go. OKCupid, always ready with the best questions for blog posts, asks, what are the best questions for first dates? Actually, they put it a much better way: “What questions are easy to bring up, yet correlate to the deeper, unspeakable, issues people actually care about?” Yes! Easy and deep-y. And did we mention easy? See, because what you don’t want — as with first “lines” — is something gimmicky, interviewy, or otherwise annoyingy. (“So, tell me, Sam. [Leans closer, significantly.] Would you rather be a cloud, or a grape?”) What you want, OKCupid determines, with the use of several handy bar graphs, is “the shallow stuff to ask when you want to know something deep.”

OK SO LIKE WHAT? Well, then we get into some frankly fascinating correlations (derived from their vast database and some fancy math). If you want to know if you two have long-term potential, ask if he/she likes horror movies, or would like to chuck it all and live on a sailboat. Couples who agreed on such Qs were correlated with couples who lasted. If you want to know if your date is religious, ask if she/he is annoyed by spelling and grammar mistakes; “If your date answers ‘no’—i.e. is okay with bad grammar and spelling—the odds of him or her being at least moderately religious is slightly better than 2:1.” Hooray for teh tolerance! Want to know if you have the same politics? Ask if your date prefers the people in his/her life to be simple or complex. The latter preference is correlated with liberal politics. JUST SAYING. (Also: clouds and grapes CAN get along!)

Read the whole piece for great fun and info, plus Kevin Costner in fingerless gloves. (The apocalypse kind, not the golf kind.)

AND: Since you’re going to need to get to that first date in the first place, here is BG’s definitive guide to opening lines.

Seinfeld, Schmeinfeld. Now there’s a comedy documentary featuring/involving no fewer than five beloved alums of Breakup Girl LIVE, including the magnificently talented and dare we say dashing Rob P. (alter ego of Defender Stratocaster), who wrote and performed all Breakup Girl music ever on stage and screen.  (Oh, wait! Seinfeld, in fact, also performed at Breakup Girl LIVE. True story! And a really long one.) Anyway! Kristen Schaal!

Sadly, it’s not out until June, so we can’t say it’s the perfect Valentine’s Day escape into refreshingly funny alternative jokes about why you’re alone. But in the meantime, enjoy the new trailer, and watch this space for more!

Tagline: Alternative IS the mainstream. W00t! Tell that to your high school.

More info: TellYourFriendsMovie.com.

(Meanwhile: UR FUNNY!)

Today we’re posting two more Valentines that cover unserved markets: The first is for people who want to avoid V-Day altogether, and invoke February’s OTHER holiday, Presidents Day; the second is ideal for sending to single friends who probably won’t be getting any love this year. Order now to insure delivery by Valentine’s Day!