Dear Breakup Girl,

You published a letter of mine a few months back about remaining friends with the ex. After that I took a few months of a breather away from him, minimal contact, no phone calls etc. This was fine for both of us. But it couldn’t last forever, as his friends are also mine, and they’re really good about not letting him have custody even though he lives in their town and I live an hour away.

Anyway, by the time we saw each other again, we had each lost about 60 pounds. He got this great haircut that totally changed his look. Basically we each looked completely different and much better, and we were both much happier overall as well. (Singlehood has been sitting well with both of us). So needless to say, we both got really, um, curious.

Making a long story very short, we ended up sleeping together. A couple of times. It was SO much better than it was during the relationship, except for maybe at the very beginning when it was still all new. I know what a bad idea this is. What I just wanted to say, and to pass on to your readers, is this:

The reason it’s a bad idea to sleep with your ex is NOT that you will despise yourself the next day or hate yourself for being so weak or anything like that. The reason is that you will remember what it was about him/her that you fell in love with in the first place (that smile! that sense of humor!) and it will reopen old wounds that you thought were well healed. In other words, you will basically have to go through all the emotional work of breaking up all over again. That, as well as resisting the siren song of possible reconciliation and trying again. Don’t do it! It’s not worth it! Unless you’re the kind of person who also likes to hit him/herself over the head with large heavy objects repeatedly. Being over someone is a precious, and precarious, thing that should hopefully last forever. Even the greatest sex only lasts for a night or a day or whatever.

BG, keep up the good work. Hope your own love life is a bit more sane, or stable, or whatever, than my own and those of some of your other readers.

— A Somewhat Wiser Susan

Dear Susan,

THANKS. Couldn’t have said/not done it better myself.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.

Dear Breakup Girl,

Eight weeks ago I wrote you a letter regarding my recent breakup with a wonderful guy. I was feeling guilty because I broke up with him for financial reasons. I’m a single mom and was going broke (half) supporting my ex. When I tried to submit the letter, it wouldn’t go. As I was trying the 2nd time, the phone rang. Yep, it was him. He said he’d been working the last 6 months to get in better financial shape for our future. He was so sincere, and had made so many changes, that I went back to him. Now we share the bills equally, and are getting ahead already. We are engaged to be married, and I wonder if it had to do with the letter that never got sent. Well, thanks anyway.

— Not Guilty Anymore

Dear NGA,

1. Who-HOOO! Congratulations.

2. All other second-timer wannabes: heads up! Don’t just tell your re-intended that you’ve changed — or, worse, that you will. Hint: proof helps. This gentleman may still lapse back into [in this case, financial] problems here and there, but he demonstrated a clear willingness to acknowledge and take them on. That’s the difference.

3. You guys should still actually send your letters.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have an almost ridiculous problem. Although I am sixteen and have never dated, I have fallen in love a few times. And no, not the kind of two-week-obsession we teens are vulnerable to, but fawning over boys for up to three years. And while I am kind of big (and beautiful, thankyouverymuch), I am not shy or unpopular. In fact, I’ve become friends with these guys most of the time. The reason I have not dated is this (and I am 100% not kidding): Every guy I’ve loved has turned out to be homosexual. They are open about it and comfortable with it, and I guess I would be, too, if I hadn’t fallen head-over-heels for ’em.

I guess my questions are these: Am I wrong in expecting a nice guy to be straight? Are the only gentlemen left in the world not interested in women? And how can I know when I’m falling for someone who can love me back?

— Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Okay, let’s don’t slip into the “all of the good ones are taken or gay!” lament. I know TONS of nice straight gentlemen who are totally interested in, um, my friends! What’s really going on here, I think, is that you think you’re going out on some high-drama limb, but you’re really playing it safe. That is: if these guys don’t go for you, you have a really good reason. Hey, Frustrated, that’s excellent Rejection Protection. Sure, maybe these boys have some innate qualities that you really do dig. Identify them in these guys, and then look for them in someone straight.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I know that second guessing is futile, so I do hope that your advice might end my own obsessive practice.

The Story:

Last fall one of the professors in my department began making overtures: inviting me to lunch, inviting me to dinner, writing me constant e-mails, giving me small gifts. Perhaps I am a more naive graduate student than most, but I remained uncertain of his professor’s intentions, questioning why someone so accomplished (and sixteen years older) would be interested in me, so not accomplished (and sixteen years younger). Well, of course, he was ‘Rebound Man,’ going through a divorce with his equally accomplished wife of fifteen years, who is, rather unfortunately, in the same field as I (at another university, thankfully).

Our ‘relationship’ continued until the end of the semester, when it was apparent that I was not going to end my relationship with my long-distance boyfriend of five years (it’s true, I behaved horribly, I know), nor was I going to have children. Two things that were obviously important to this professor.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have two issues/questions. The first is about getting over the breakup of my marriage. I am in the process of getting a divorce.

It is hard for me because we have a child, and I don’t get to say see ya and move on. I have to deal with him almost daily on visitation or money issues, and he is living with his girlfriend with whom he cheated while we were together. I hate seeing the cozy little family he has created without me, but I want my son to be able to continue to see his dad. Any ideas on how to deal with all this?

The other issue is that my friends want to set me up, and I would like to get out and about again, but I have been a stay at home mom, and haven’t had much of a life lately. I don’t know if I am ready, even for Transition man. Transition man, by the way, has been defined to me as the guy you don’t take home to mom and dad or your kids as the case may be, but who keeps you company in a rough time. I am definitely not looking for anything more, it will take me awhile to get past the betrayal and history, but I would like somebody to take me to the movies, etc. Where does Breakup Girl suggest I start?

— Looking for Transition Man

BG’s advice after the jump!

Dear Breakup Girl,

Your column is great!! I’ve read and learned so much from your advice given to others, and now I need your help. Here’s the scoop: I’m 26, and 4 years ago I met a special guy who was my first. We dated for 3 years, moved in, and after 10 months I broke up with him. I realized that after living together, he was not the man to spend the rest of my life with…a lot of it was the little things, but there were some other issues as well. We moved out (apart) last Sept. I dated a few people after that, but nothing serious. Come march, my ex sent me an email (it was approaching our anniversary).

We ended up meeting, and well, I’m sure you know the rest. Also at that time I was feeling very lonely and was ecstatic to be with him again (although still unsure about the future thing). We started going out again. As exes, he had changed, for the better. After a while though, it just got too comfortable. He was settling in nicely into my 1 bedroom apartment. It was all too familiar. A couple weeks ago though, I met someone, we hit it off. After one night, we fooled around and I ended up spending the night. So, I was unfaithful to my ex, who had become not-so-much my ex anymore. I told him, of course, and now I feel like crap. He was extremely angry with me, called me every name under the sun, and also sent his friend an email with horrible things written about me, and copied me on it. (This is not like him at all!) Yes, I am sorry, he was a great guy…he loved me so much. Now I’ve thrown it away. The question is, I don’t know why! Was I afraid of commitment, or did I just need to have fun? I don’t know, but I wish I hadn’t now. I’ve wrecked my ex’s life twice, why? This new guy doesn’t even mean anything to me!!! What do you think is wrong with me??

— Sorry

Dear Sorry,

Nothing is wrong with you. You’re allowed (vs. recommended) one rebound; you’re allowed (vs. recommended) one relapse. It’s just in your case, these two incidents happened to, um, overlap. Tell your ex you’re truly sorry (let’s hope he apologizes for the little e-mail incident), and give yourself some serious space. Also, a break.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have just recently discovered your column…and I love it! However, I have an issue that I need to get a second opinion on. I have this boyfriend that I’ve been seeing for only a couple of months now. But we’ve known each other for 4 years and had crushes on each other all that time. Well everything’s good I suppose but there’s some things I have a problem with. OK, he’s the same age as me (21) but he has a 14 month old child. He rarely gets to see it but he does pay child support. I’m not sure why it bothers me so much…perhaps because he was a virgin until this girl came along and “seduced” him. He claims she “tricked” him and told him that she couldn’t get pregnant and that she was on the pill. And you know how dumb and gullible some men can be. Well he believed it and they slept together for the next three or four months. He even had the nerve to tell me how many times a day they had sex!! Well, needless to say she got pregnant and he realized what a huge mistake he had made. Now this whole situation really disturbs me sometimes. I don’t know if I just feel threatened by her…I mean I know he doesn’t want her back. There’s no doubt in my mind about that. It’s just that he has all this excess baggage that I have to deal with.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have recently found out that I WAS (is the key word) dating a recently married man for 4 months. I can’t help but entertain the thought of somehow letting the cat out of the bag and exposing this jerk. I noticed that this subject was just addressed on another site), and was wondering what your take would be on the following advise that was guaranteed to shrink the libido of the married ex? It stated that one should call the guy at work and tell him that you’ve written a 3 page tell-all letter to his lovely wife and then invite him to convince you not to send it. After he’s sputtered, pleaded and wet himself, sigh and say,”That was moving, but I have to get to the post office. Take care.” Then, sit back and know that this guy’s every move would be fraught with panic. He would end up crying,”Why me?” instead of the one who was lied to. I always value your advice and am interested in what you think.

–GingerAil

Dear Ginger,

Here’s what I think: don’t even think about it. No, scratch that. Do think about it. Just don’t do it.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am totally confused by my ex-boyfriend. I dated this guy for only a couple months, but fell head over heels for him almost immediately! He and I had everything in common, or so it seemed.

One of the greatest things about him was that every day when he got home from work, the first thing he would do was call me. I could practically set my watch- half an hour after he was scheduled to finish,he’d call me. It didn’t matter if it was 5pm or 11pm (he worked anywhere from 40-80 hours a week between two jobs).

He was also very affectionate, telling me how much he cared about me, etc. The only problem was, he would occasionally say things like “Some day I’ll meet a really great girl and get married.” Now, I’m a college student, and a realist, and I know that guys aren’t looking to marry someone they date at age 20. Even so, it bothered me to here him say that. It made me feel like I was just an amusement before the feature presentation or something.

Well, I went away on vacation for a week, and spoke with him on the phone a couple times while I was gone. The night that I got back we spent the whole evening snuggling and watching South Park episodes. Then, the next day, we went to his cabin and while we were sitting around, he made another one of his “Someday…” comments. I was so frustrated that I said “I don’t even know why I bother with this. I should just go meet someone else.” Well, I immediately regretted it and apologized, but he started in on this whole “As long as we know this relationship isn’t going anywhere, its fine for both of us right?” I said that under normal circumstances it might work out, but I told him that I hated knowing that as soon as he met someone even slightly more interesting than me he’d toss me out like yesterday’s underwear.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

Short and sweet (bitter): He broke up with me six months ago. I essentially supported him for half the relationship (which, granted, was only four months long– a personal record– and which I did very enthusiastically.) He is a writer and was extremely depressed about his lack of success. He had written a great novel which I encouraged him to keep hustling. I spoke to him recently. He sold the manuscript. To a huge major publisher. I am not aschadenfreude kind of girl. I was genuinely happy for him. However, now it seems I cannot stop crying. I mean, I’ve been pretty upset in general, hard getting over him etc., but now I’m a bit of a basket case. Also, he was going to take me on this great vacation when he finally got some money….

A friend of mine broke up with someone who then won the Pulitzer prize. But she broke up with him.

Look, I know I’m not personally fulfilled (I’m a writer too blah blah blah and not actualizing a lot of opportunities blah blah, my shrink’s away…) and that’s why I feel empty and crazy as a result of this news, however I just want to know that he is aware of the fact that it would be a nice gesture if he say, said thanks, or offered to buy me a drink (I wouldn’t go, I mean I know that wouldn’t be healthyblahblah…) but I think maybe it hasn’t occurred to him and this is what makes me very very unhappy. Very. I feel sick. And I fantasize about floating gay rumors that will forever haunt him. Not in a bad way… Help?

— Basket Case

BG’s wisdom after the jump!